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Schema therapy
Nonameanymore:
Hi Dr G.,
Please can you share your views on schema therapy as treatment for children of Ns?
Thanks
Rania
Nonameanymore:
(hi all - if anyone has tried it, please do share - thanks)
Dr. Richard Grossman:
Hi Hountini,
First, for those unfamiliar with Schema Therapy, here’s the Wikipedia link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_Therapy
Second, and not surprisingly, I have (at this point in my life and professional career) very strong opinions about therapy for adult children of narcissistic parents. For me the critical factors are:
1) The quality of the attachment between therapist and patient (note the 2-way street!) which is based on:
2) The capacity of the therapist for genuine empathy (not the rote kind)
3) The willingness of the therapist to admit suffering in everyone’s life, including their own – and the capacity, on the part of the therapist, to have grown from that suffering
4) A high degree of a particular kind of (and likely inborn) emotional intelligence on the part of the therapist—such that one “gets” and “feels” almost everything the patient is saying (see number 2).
5) A minimum amount of defensiveness on the part of the therapist (this, in my experience is very hard to come by!).
One part of Schema Therapy in particular addresses/utilizes these factors: “Limited Reparenting”. The other parts, IMO, may well get in the way. In my view, therapy for children of narcissistic parents involves building a whole new relationship from scratch—something different from what the patient has ever had. It is a slow process (some might say excruciatingly slow!). If the patient is ever to love her or himself, and to escape the fundamental existential guilt and emptiness that narcissistic parents engender, they have to first experience the genuine love of another person. That love comes from a 2-way attachment with a therapist.
All comments are, of course, welcome!
Richard
finding peace:
Dear Hountini and Dr. G,
I can only describe what I went through. Now at 40, well +, I was raised by 2 N parents. I had 10 years of therapy, and discovered during that time that I was lovable (through my therapist).
I did not finish my therapy with him (my fault not his). And now wish I had. Nonetheless, Dr. G, he was all that you listed.
I think I was very lucky to find such a therapist. I once asked him how he could do what he did, and he told me that for every patient he had, it was like diving into a boiling vat of acid to pull that person (who did not deserve to be in that acid), out of the acid. And while it hurt him everytime, the outcome was more than worth the pain he felt.
Without him, I believe I would have followed in my father's path and become an N. In a lot of ways, this is why I do have some sympathy for Ns. Their early life (at least IME) was not easy, and they did not have the wherewithal to learn a better way.
While I do feel sympathy, I in no way condone how they behave.
My story ... hope I haven't offended anyone.
FP
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote --- In my view, therapy for children of narcissistic parents involves building a whole new relationship from scratch—something different from what the patient has ever had.
It is a slow process (some might say excruciatingly slow!). If the patient is ever to love her or himself, and to escape the fundamental existential guilt and emptiness that narcissistic parents engender, they have to first experience the genuine love of another person. That love comes from a 2-way attachment with a therapist.
--- End quote ---
I completely agree! To me, the important parts of any healing process are precisely the two bolded items.
Rania... I read through the description on the page Dr G provided and recognized a lot of the work I did, but sort of rearranged in importance... different things were important (during my T process) than overcoming a schema. Those things were more what Dr. G described above. In fact, it was pretty clear when I "graduated" from therapy that my T wanted me to realize I had all the new skills - and better understanding of myself - to be able tackle that on my own. Of course - I didn't want to! ;)
I wanted one of those core needs fulfilled - I wanted to be able to be completely, helplessly dependent on some "other" who wouldn't fail to accurately assess my needs and provide them - and still retain my autonomy. (And I think she would've ended the therapy if I gave in to my Woody Allen type of desire to be a professional therapy patient.) In all kinds of unconscious (and semi-conscious) ways this "want" permeated my relationships with people. Probably still does! But there won't be any real benefit to me to role-play a baby at 55; I'll be that feeble and helpless again, soon enough! It won't cure that longing. But helping that part of me "grow up" more healthy - reparenting myself - does cure it and remains a "work in progress".
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