Question for child rape survivors (A little bit graphic)

[Redhead Erin]

Does anybody else here have body memories in the form of shooting, stabbing vaginal pains? I have had them as far as I can remember, sometimes so bad they make me yell out or double over.  No medical cause, of course.

They become more frequent when I have to deal with my mother (big surprise) or when I am spending a lot of time on this board. I just had one that started in the vagina and radiated all the way up into my side, just above my right hip.  Made me shout out a few words I would not want my son to hear!

So the question was, if you have these, do you know how to make them stop?

[sKePTiKal]

Jeez, not quite like that I don't!! Didn't even in the midst of the first flood of memories. (Blacking out; dissociation; whatever is a certain mercy)

What I do have, is a tendency to flinch, raise & tighten one shoulder and some sciatica.

Certain things do trigger those body memories... but they've faded over time, with healing. Tell that scared inner child, that everything is OK now... that what's happening now isn't the same as then because now you're a strong, smart woman and you'll protect her. It'll help! And you might even hear just what specifically she's afraid of - that stuff always helps, too.

[Redhead Erin]

There is no doubt what my body is remembering--these pains feel EXACTLY like intercourse with a partner who is far bigger than me. I dont feel fear with these pains; I used to feel ashamed of them.  It took me a long time and a lot of therapy before I could ask my gynecologist about them.

[sKePTiKal]

Well... for me... when the body memories come up... it means that a) something in my present circumstances has triggered the old feelings. That's the "bad news" part.

The good news part, is that I have a chance to deal with those feelings in the here & now - even when the circumstances are radically different in the now. Like I'm older, we hope I'm wiser, and even if it came down to it... physically stronger in some ways and less so in others. The real good news, is that if I do take a time-out to figure out what's going on.... why I feel this now, in these circumstances... then I'm just one short step or choice away from finally getting past the old thought-emotion-reaction cycle that caused the body memory to come up in the first place. There's an opportunity in all this -- to let another of chunk of my past go, once and for all.

And sometimes, all it takes, is that short "time out" -- to let things settle and give myself a chance to collect myself and process a few things.

[KayZee]

Wow, this board never stops surprising me when it comes to shared experiences and things I can relate to...

Erin, I totally experience something similar to this.  Coincidentally, just before reading this, I referenced it in a personal post.  For the past few years, every time I visit my parents' house my uterus/nether regions burn.  I've had those shooting pains too, though not for a while.  Usually, my 'body memories' range from feeling like IBS, to period cramps (sans period), to labor pains.  Once on the ride back home after visiting NM, I had to pull over and let my husband drive I was in so much womanly pain.

I wish I had advice for making them stop!  P.R.'s advice about a time out seems like a good one.

Anyway, I wish I could be more helpful.  But I just wanted to let you know you have my solidarity.

sending lots of love your way, Kay

[Redhead Erin]

Oh, ((Kay,)) Thank you for telling me that. I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone.....and then also rather distressed somebody else has to go through it.

I really thought I was the only one.   

[Twoapenny]

Hi Erin,

Yes, I get the same as you do, although, thankfully, I haven't experienced anything like this for about a year now.  I re-experience the whole thing in different bits - sometimes I get clear memory but it's like watching a film, there's no emotion, feeling or sensation there at all.  Other times I get the sensation - I can feel him in the room, I can sense him in the air, I can smell him standing next to my bed.  I get the physical stuff in different bits - the sharp, stabbing pains that you describe, a weight on my chest that stops me from breathing, hands on my mouth, hands on my throat.  I get a choking sensation sometimes, like something is being forced into my mouth.  Sometimes I just experience sheer terror - so frightened I genuinely can't do anything and all my mind keeps saying is "don't let him get me, don't let him get me".

I don't know why I haven't had it for a while.  Maybe I've processed some of it, I don't know.  I've written about it a lot, talked about it, I suppose I've kind of accepted it as a way for my body to get things out that are trapped in there.  I don't know if that makes any sense?  I use a lot of things like flower remedies and homeopathy - I'm very into that kind of natural healing.  It seems to help me.

Sorry I haven't any sure fire cures for you.  Twoapenny ((()))

[Redhead Erin]

I think the best cure is jsut staying away form her.  I have heard from her only twice since the Great Furnace Debacle, and strangely I hae not had any pains.  The last episode was right in the middle of the last fight.

I sort of envy you your memories.  I think I know who my abuser was (my grandfather) and I think he also abused my mother and my aunt. But having all the symptoms of abuse but very limited memories of abuse leaves me feeling a little bit delusional whenever I think about it too much.

[river]

I'd be interested to know, Erin, do you think that sharing here, and the responses you got could also have made a difference?   

Because I think sometimes some things really are just screaming to be recognised and validated.... ~ how does that sit with you? 

I have had - and for many years, a physical  reaction to when I get caught in dysfunctional relational dynamics, and when I feel helpless about it.   I was not a victim of physical sexual abuse, but I ended up living a life that was derailed around issues about abuse.  I think it was to do with implicit relational abuse.   

But I do believe that the body speaks, ~ and in some cases, rather, it screams!! 

river

[Twoapenny]

Hi Erin,

Yes, I think keeping away is probably a good idea, and I see what you mean about envying the memories.  It's very difficult dealing with stuff when you aren't dealing in absolutes, particularly when it's family related and  you therefore don't have family backing you up or helping you through it.

River, I know your question was directed at Erin but I hope you don't mind me saying what sprung to my mind as well!  One of the things that got me really interested in complementary therapies was the core belief that most are built around, that your body tells you something is wrong and tries to show you where and how to fix it.  Because our Western approach isn't always an holistic one we don't necessarily make the connections - someone's intermittend stomach cramps are attributed to IBS and the fact that they only come on after meeting with a certain person isn't always noticed or commented on.  I try very hard to listen to my body now, whether it's telling me to rest (I've always ignored being tired and over-ridden it with caffeine and sugar, now I'm trying to notice being tired and sit down!).  And I think sometimes something just 'feels' right.  What my family have told me has always felt wrong, on some level, what my T told me generally felt okay (although often felt like I was wrong to let it feel okay, if that makes sense!) xx

[sKePTiKal]

I believe that this kind of mind-body connection is of particular importance to abused kids and perhaps is stronger in them, than the general population. There are so many reasons why we're not able to speak out and ask for help... and yet we're 100% aware of how desperately we NEED help... so the mental/emotional urgency to signal for help moves into the body.

It's a sort of an unconscious survival method, in an ironic sort of way. Nmom's are usually (not always) rather proud of their ability to physically care for their children - while completely oblivious to mental & emotional needs we have. When our needs are expressed physically - they finally notice we need "taking care of". (They're not always happy to do so...)

The practical self-help that works for me is to simply take some time out to pamper myself: whether that's an hour with tea and something I've wanted to read, a nice hot bubble bath, doing my nails - or if there's a bit of anger invovled - weeding a bed or pruning trees... something that has an immediate result of more orderliness... and less chaos... I guess that's why I've always felt housework was therapeutic and soothing!

[river]

Thanks for this, 2apenny.  Its helpful for me too, when my mood is low, I love too well to fix it with caffiene, rather than pay the attention it requires.   
river. 

[gratitude28]

For all of you who have experienced this crime and have posted here, I want to applaud you for accepting your life and making a new you. It is so wonderful when a person can overcome the awfulness brought upon them by someone else and remove guilt and shame. I just think it's so importnat to be open as you all are - even with such a difficult subject. It erases the shame!