Failing to learn from your mistakes

[Twoapenny]

Our family situation is occuring again, just as it has so many times before.  It got me thinking.  My journey, if you want to call it that, has been inspired and moved along by my desire to change myself and my situation.  Things have happened - health problems, relationship problems, job problems and so on - that have made me want to figure out why they happened and change things so they don't happen again, or so that I can cope with them if they do.

We are a mixture of marriages and parents - six children in total, 9 grandchildren, four different mothers, two different fathers.  My older step brother has learning difficulties, and had lived his adult life with his mum, who died last year.  My mum and his dad are married and live across the road from him (and me).  When his mum was taken ill they didn't bother to pop round and check on him.  When she died it took them two days to get round there, and he had to rely on neighbours to take him to the hospital to see his mum's body.  People on his road made sure he had food, money, gas and electric, because his own dad couldn't be bothered to go round there and do it.

Since then they've barely seen him and he spends an awful lot of time on his own.  His dad told him if he talks to me he'll never speak to him again, but he stood up to him and said he'd talk to whoever he wanted to.  They left him on his own at Christmas, and again at Easter - particularly difficult when it's the first one since losing someone.  He has a hospital appointment coming up, which he thought involved surgery (fortunately it doesn't) and they told him they were too busy to take him.  He's since lied to them and told them he's getting the bus, because he knows they'll be angry if they find out I'm taking him.  What sort of people would be happy to let their adult son with learning difficulties take a bus to hospital to get an operation?????

He's just had his birthday, the first since his mum died.  They gave him some money and had a go at him for upsetting my mum, which he did by telling her my son had made him a birthday cake - which we did because I knew no-one else would bother (and they didn't).

I did point out to my mum before that, if you have five kids that don't speak to you and seven grand children that don't see you, you have to start looking at yourself to see if the situation is attributable to you, in some way.  That was seven years ago.  Looks like she's still thinking things through.  I think it does indicate a mental health problem, rather than a behavioural thing - we can all behave like a-holes but these two take it to another level.

[sKePTiKal]

What a sad situation.   
I feel sad for your step-brother and good on you for helping him out and caring. As for Mum & step-dad... well, I'm reminded of that old saying that the people who need professional help the most are the least likely to believe they do. You've hit the nail on the head about why, too.

I hope your brother is able to understand that he's not the reason behind how his parents treat him - that it's because she's not able to have normal caring feelings for others. Don't you just want to unload on people like that and tell them exactly what kind of pond-scum they are?! Only problem with that idea, is their puzzled amusement in reaction... surely you've gone off the deep end... you can't possibly be talking about the great, all-perfect, powerful "them"... and then there's the innocent: "did I do that?"... and occasionally they'll even over-react and start aggressively attacking you too -- just not in any way connected with the present issue.

I'm seeing an awful lot of this lately on the 'net. Not here, of course. It's put me in a real snarky-colored mood. Lots & lots of projection/denial/character assassination worthy of a 3rd grader... and people believe this is how one "discusses" and "debates" issues. It's starting to get to me. Might be time for a musing, pondering, wandering, update... my own personal refuge of "la-la land" fantasy...

[Twoapenny]

Phoenix, you are so right.  I did say to my step-bro that people should think about him on his birthday and if my mum chooses to get upset because someone did something nice for him that's her problem.  I also said that it should be them worrying about him going to hospital, not him worrying about them getting angry because I'm taking him there.  They're such idiots.  Ironic that he has the mental age of a twelve year old yet has more emotional intelligence than the two of them.

And yes, I would love the opportunity to tell them what I think of them, and if I get it I will.  I've kind of got to that point now where their reaction isn't important (nor their inability to understand) - I just kind of feel now it isn't healthy to bottle things up and if I get a chance to spill I will do.

Hope you're doing okay? xxx

[sKePTiKal]

Yes, Penny - I'm just fine!

Being one of those people who can be obssessively immersed in lots of different things or topics... I've been busy on a local political issue. Research, reading, pondering... trying to get at "root cause" -- under all the rhetoric, lobbing of verbal smear grenades, and people who are "never wrong" -- trying to find balance, win-win compromise positions, etc. and then writing about it. Something must've "clicked" - because today there's a House of Representatives hearing on the bill presented by our local rep -- and our Senators have also sponsored another bill this week. All without being in the spotlight myself!!    A little trick I learned working for an Nboss - just spread the idea, don't claim ownership, let go my own wish for credit for it, but when it gets all the way back to me... support the heck out of it!   ha-ha-ha...  It's been a local issue going back years and affects other coastal areas, too... so I know to be patient. There won't be immediate results - it's an election year. And there will be - already is - a fight; the other side is extremely well-funded. We're just a bunch o' ordinary folk who are used to raising money to help those most affected by hurricanes and the usual life-crap that can strike without regard to character or potential. Now we're raising legal fees to sue in US District Court. The community is finding it's "voice" and it's been interesting to be a part of that.

I haven't been thinking about me, so much lately. But I have been trying to deal with the physical side of me - the last, most deeply ingrained effects of the FOO legacy. And once again, my old assumptions - things I used to think I know about me (which came from a dubious source in the first place) are either changing radically, or were always wrong, and I was just trying to over-compensate in extreme ways that are tantamount to self-abuse. Trying to lose 20 lbs... and figure out how/why I put the weight on in the first place... I came across a Dr. Turner and her "Hormone Diet". I learned that lifelong stress can (if diet is poor) burn out Adrenal glands. I learned about the symptoms of thyroid imbalances; diabetes and what they're calling "pre-diabetes"; and I'm learning about some new-to-me herbs, bumping up my old medicinal herb mental file and updating it. According to all the different diet/exercise "strategies"... I should be slowly losing pounds and inches; but NO. Sorry; I'm going in reverse or simply up & down in such large swings that don't last more than a day or two and can't find the pattern of behavior in it that would cause this. Makes no sense... so I've started trying to adjust the hormones, per this doc's advice, and how I rated on her self-reported questionnaire. I make sure that I'm engaged in 3-4 hours of moderately intense physical "work" most days. I'm trying to eat closer to that suggested 1st hour after waking. (It's more like 3-4 hours after for me... which can be (I'm sure it is)... an imbalance in the brain chemicals/or hormone signals... that cause a person to feel hungry or "full".) I'm starting to notice what does affect me, how it affects me... and to wonder once again: just because I "feel" different... is it, necessarily "bad"? Perhaps, my old "balance" was so far out of whack, but I only considered it "normal" for me because I was used to it. Ya know? I am positive that this all started in conjunction with my emotional reactions - and the ways I tried compensate - to the crazy, SHTF, traumatic experience Twiggy went through. That's when I starting skipping breakfast...

My business tasks have slowed down, but I am or can be on call 24/7 for certain things. That's always been a stress-issue for me... but I'm slowly starting to figure that out. Brother still isn't overly involved -- and he had a mild heart attack last month; they put 3 stents in and he's back to his crazy workaholic schedule. Doesn't return phone calls promptly... same old same old. But last time we talked - and we do have more productive conversations now - he did say something shocking, to me. He's starting to learn what his physical "boundaries" are, since the stents. Perhaps he can apply to other areas, too? Cautiously hopeful. My mom has pretty much "gone away". The years of "training her" that I'm not always going to pick up the phone or call her back when she leaves messages saying "Where are you?" right before launching into her broken record tirades, is starting to pay off.

My kids are doing better. The youngest is 500 miles away and busy with her life; she's had a "I miss MOM... I want my MOMMY" attack in the last week or so... so we're trying to plan a quick get together and maybe a summer roadtrip. She'll come visit in June. The oldest with her two boys could be here then, too. She's not going to take classes this summer, because she starts nursing classes in the fall and knows she'll be burning the candle at both ends the whole semester. She's also working; got her foot in the door with EMS driving a transport van.

Hubs and I are moving out of the irritations and picking at each other because we're around each other 24/7 phase of adjusting to his retirement. He's finally starting to believe that he's not always responsible for my mood shifts. (Men's egos... jeez!) We've been working on FINALLY moving in - the organizing, sorting, clearing out stuff we don't need phase. I started the ball rolling on listing the old house and we'll probably do that within the month. Hubs and I also found a hobby/sport we can do together, since I took a basic handgun class. The whole time we've been together he's put his target shooting on hold - because guns triggered (pun intended) all Twiggy's old horrible fear stuff. It was a great day and I felt amazingly whole again simply shooting at a paper plate! Silly as that sounds, and as distasteful and complex as the whole gun issue is for people (including me). And hubs and I are working on developing a "secret language" - it's sign language - to avoid some of the miscommunication that happens via words... or when I have a feeling that gets "stuck" on the way out.

And I'm finally getting closer (going down the list) of getting back to my creative endeavors. I have some sewing projects on the list. The studio space I chose is becoming more rational... but I'm still not spending time there or claiming the space; just "storing" for now. But I'm always busy, never bored, don't feel "stuck" anymore or emotionally constipated... we have "play days" when do absolutely nothing buy find something fun to do...

as they say here: Life is Good at the Beach. Thanks for asking! (You knew you'd get an in-depth answer, right?? LOL...)

And how are you??

[Twoapenny]

Aw, Phoenix, I am really glad that things are moving in good directions for you.  I think it's the thing that keeps us all going, that light at the end of the tunnel.  I like the idea of balance, you know, good things following the bad.

I'm glad that your local issue is going well.  However well funded the opposition are, the power of people is something to behold!  There is something going on in our local area at the moment and there is a large group causing a lot of problems for those who are trying to railroad the area into something it doesn't want to be.  I like it!  I think passion is something that keeps people moving and it can be so infectious, which is only a good thing.

Health, yes, completely agree that long term stress can cause health issues of a physical kind, and they're not always easy to deal with, especially when they've gone on for a long time.  It's good that you're looking at different ways of dealing with it; sometimes I see these things as a clockwork mechanism and each thing you try shifts it round a notch until finally you get where you need to be.

It sounds like all the people in your life are easier for you, which is great!  It's amazing the difference small things can make, like you saying about you and hubby having a hobby together now.  It's good to have fun and just enjoy being alive, not feeling like you have to justify your existence or always be unhappy - like you've got no right to be happy.  Things are sounding good for you, I'm pleased!

Things are good here.  I'm looking at opportunities to re-train, thinking about a house move, trying out different things with my son - focusing on me and the good things in life.  It's nice! xx

[Meh]

I think it does indicate a mental health problem, rather than a behavioural thing - we can all behave like a-holes but these two take it to another level.

Sorry about your family. My family sucks @ss also!!

I had a similar response from my mother when a church did something nice for me. My mother responded by being pouty and like an unhappy child that didn't get her way. I have no other way to describe it. Evil?

Not sure if it is part of Narcissism or if it's beyond that. It's definitely far from healthy. Then there is the collusion from other family members that act like it's okay. It becomes the family norm.

Ya know, in a family where the norm is abusive the only thing to do is to subvert.

Thinking about how long it took me to figure out how afflicted my mother and whole family is--I think it has changed the way I view the world. I have a hard time just accepting people as they present themselves socially.

 

[Twoapenny]

Starlight, I know what you mean!  I wonder if our 'training' as children - that sort of hyper alertness we have to cultivate in order to predict the future and protect ourselves - also makes us more acutely aware of warning signs as our blindfolds come off and we start seeing the madness for what it is?

I did go through a very unpleasant phase of thinking I had to cut myself off from everyone I knew, because they all showed signs of dysfunction!  I eventually realised that we all have a bit, and it's okay as long as the overall package is good more often than bad.  My mum is just poison, poison, poison.  I've always thought my sister was a victim and pushed into doing nasty things by my mum, but an interesting conversation with an old friend the other night revealed more information I didn't know about, which makes my sister look like an N in her own right!!  I really, really like being around people who just make me feel like they accept me, warts and all.  They're the kind of people I try and spend time with now.

[Meh]

Sounds like you have a balanced outlook.