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Husbands insensative comment--Am I over reacting?

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Redhead Erin:
(First, the discalimer:  We all know nobody is perfect.  My husband is a good man.  I love him very much. I usually think out marriage is basically strong.  He is not abusive. I did abusive once.  I can tell the difference.)

The short version of this is, My husband is really an emotional moron.  Really.  I mean, he is really clueless about a lot of things, and very much a bull in a china shop when it comes to the fragile feelings of a damaged person like me.

So, in the process of one of his little stupidity episodes, during which he was amusing himself by calling our son goofy and mildly irritating things like "hippie," he said this:

"You know I don't mean a lot of things I say.  I love both of you!" The cadence of his speech and the things he said afterward made it perfectly clear that he had meant to include "I love you" in the category of things he does not really mean.

I was on my way out the door and about to let it go, but he had to repeat it, he was jsut so pleased with himself. At that point, I had to stop and say something.  I thought it was a hurtful statement, not very different from saying "I dont really love you" or "I lied when I said I loved you."

I know you all know where that hit me.  Like everyone here, I grew up in a home where "I love you" was, by definition, a self-serving lie. I don't need to hear that from my husband, not even as a joke. 

But see, I'm used to that kind of cluelessness from him. What bothers me is, I tried to explain that what he said was hurtful to both our son and me.  He kept saying "Kiddo isnt upset by it," to which Kiddo said, "Yes I am!" And he accuded me of over-reacting, and then gave several half-hearted apologies, things like "I'm sorry YOU took it the wrong way," shit like that.  IN other words, it seemed like he was saying "You're stupid if you don't get and appreciate the joke I made at your expense."  He seemed far more interested in amusing himself by being an asshole than in mending the damage he did to me and  more importantly to our son. He refused to make a decent apology and started trying to make it into a win-lose situation, whereby apologizing for wast he said would be akin to losing some kind of battle.

I would have expected a normal person to realize his mistake and then apologize for making such a boneheaded statement. Then maybe give me a hug and say," Honey, you know I love you."  What really hurts is that he never tried to set me at ease or even give me a hug to help ease the sting of what he said. 


I very much need to feel that my marriage is a stable and reliable safe haven from the world.  When I am not dealing with my emotionally grueling job, my eating disorder, the bills, homeschooling my 11 year old almost-an-adolescent son, sick animals, or  Mommie Dearest, I need someplace warm and safe where I can feel secure and loved.  Right or wrong, that is what marriage has always meant to me.


This makes me feel very insecure and fearful.  Does he love me or not?  It was framed as a joke, but was it really? IF he really does love me, why wouldn't he say so? What else is a lie? What can I trust?

Please, y'all, please help me unravel this. Do you think I am over-reacting or being overly sensitive? Does it seem like he is being more of a lunk-head than most men? What does this mean? Why the hell does he act this way?

BonesMS:
You're not over-reacting, Erin.  I've dealt with similar lunkheaded idiots in my neck of the woods to the extent that I got fed up with their stupidity!  No matter how many times we explain the obvious, they just DON'T GET IT!!!   :P

Bones

sKePTiKal:
Hi Erin,

Look, my hubs likes to tease me... and make those kinds of jokes, too. He's hoping that I'll be able to play too... and we've realized over time (and a lot of my own explaining)... that those things don't sound funny to me; that I can't TELL when he's joking (because it was never a joke in the FOO)... and I understand that this is kind of hubs' way of "taking my emotional temperature".

I DO over-react - badly. And what's worked, is that I'll play-act a really hurt pouty face back at him... so he knows that's what I'm feeling... instead of "just taking it" and chewing on it, and getting ever more resentful about it... until he says something else and I explode. There's a lot more to "clean up" after that.

But here's the thing - and this comes from what you wrote - you know he loves you, but there are life-stresses. You are legitimately worried about some things. And perhaps, the situation starts to feel unequal if your hubs starts to play like this? It might be his way of lowering tension - which backfires when it triggers your insecurities. You absolutely need to know he's got your back and will protect you, right? But on the other hand -- maybe he's got a point about simply letting the tension levels drop a little bit, and "in the moment" - just playing with him and your son. Admittedly, a different choice in words and type of play would've been considerate... but maybe he's feeling his own insecurities, too?

It's like taking a time-out from worry, being serious, plugging away at the daily grind. I don't know about you, but I've had to completely re-learn that I'm allowed to put the burden that I tossed onto my shoulders down -- and I'm still not very good at it, but at least I see I need this along with all the work accomplishments, too. Guys tend to crack wise, make jokes to distance and minimize the recognized seriousness of situations... because they need to take that "time-out" and just relax a bit... whereas we women tend to keep on, keeping on like we have blinders on... until some undefined moment, time or place arrives. And these kinds of play-engagement are our guys way of telling US to take a time-out... because they do care; they know we're stressed; and it will do us good to lighten up & just be silly for a bit - and that they NEED this from us - that reassurance that it's safe to be happy and play. No matter how strange and awkward that feels.

mudpuppy:

--- Quote ---He seemed far more interested in amusing himself by being an asshole than in mending the damage he did to me and  more importantly to our son. He refused to make a decent apology and started trying to make it into a win-lose situation, whereby apologizing for wast he said would be akin to losing some kind of battle.
--- End quote ---

I suspect you guys are talking past each other. When you expect him to apologize for what he thinks is harmless funny he gets his back up because asking for an apology to him means you didn't think he was funny which hurts his pride and from his perspective you didn't see the humorous intent. Still, once you tell him it was hurtful he ought to just suck it up and really apologize. From my experience we make jokes like this for not much more reason than we think it's entertaining, if not to others at least to ourselves.
After some time has passed does he usually make it right or do these things just sit there?



--- Quote ---Like everyone here, I grew up in a home where "I love you" was, by definition, a self-serving lie.

--- End quote ---

That's not actually true of everyone here. Some didn't encounter Ns until later in life.


--- Quote ---Does it seem like he is being more of a lunk-head than most men?
--- End quote ---

I thought women considered the lunk-headedness of all men to be like zero on the Kelvin temperature scale; an absolute number below which is a physical impossibility. :?

mud

Redhead Erin:
Hey everybody. 

Wow am I glad I have this place to come to.  I feel so much better.

I completely see your point, Phoenix.  I know he wants to relax and play, and you're right, I do have problem with that.  I am far too serious and I don't lighten up easily.   But as you said, he could have chosen a different game to play. I have always been "one of the guys" to a degree, and I was with him for many years before we started dating.  So I guess I can see how that could add to the confusion. 

But still.....he really could have picked something different to play.

Mud, I stand corrected.  What I should have said is that probably most everybody here knows the feeling when "I love you" is really just a lie. And to answer your question, what usually happens after an incident like this is a big stupid argument.  Depending on how I feel and how he feels, it can go on for days.  A couple of times, a misunderstanding like this one almost lead to divorce.

It seems like he says something, probably inadvertently, that he thinks is funny or maybe practical,  but I think is hurtful. Sometimes, like last night, I face it immediately and say, Hey, that hurts!" Sometimes I let it fester a while.  Either way, when I do point out that I was hurt by such and such a statement, he then starts behaving as if we are having an argument.  He doesn't fight fair, anyway, but that is a whole different story.  All I EVER want is for him to  cease fire and say, "I'm sorry, I didnt mean to hurt you." But he continues to fire away at me, hurting me more.  He doesnt really seem to care that my pain, me feelings, are real to me. he ridicules me and says my pain is dumb.  It feels like when I was a kid. I cry and tell him to stop hurting me and he says he isnt hurting me. But he is and he wont admit it.  I find it hard to believe that at this point, when I ma immobilized with tears running down my face, that he doesnt believe he is hurting me. I know it is dangerous to depend on one person so much but I do, he is all I have, he is my everything.  I need him to make the pain stop but he wont.  He jsut sits ther and watches me cry and hurts me more.

[Okay, small flashback there, that was a little intense]

I tried to tell him this morning, after I had been up all night, that I don't actually expect him to be able to avoid hurting my feelings.  It's such an emotional minefield inside my head, I don't think anyone could negotiate that.  On the other hand, he needs to respect taht I have a lot of tender spots, and should he happen to step on one, which he will, all I need is for him to back up and say, "I'm sorry,  I would never hurt you."

Why is that so hard for him?

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