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Nar communication style
Meh:
Is there a Nar communication style?
Mainly, here to vent.
My mother will ask me the same questions over and over and over again about very concrete things in the world that I have no power over so no matter how many times she asks me the information, its the same answer...but it doesn't stop her from saying it. She asks me questions and apparently she has no intention of listening to the answer. It makes me feel like she is trying to drive me insane. It's practically GIBBERISH. It makes it virtually impossible to really converse.
To me it feels sort of sabotaging that she chooses to speak to me in a way that is very difficult to respond to even though she is capable of other modes of speech.
Sometimes the answer is why ask why?
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Starlight on April 10, 2012, 10:38:32 PM ---Is there a Nar communication style?
Mainly, here to vent.
My mother will ask me the same questions over and over and over again about very concrete things in the world that I have no power over so no matter how many times she asks me the information, its the same answer...but it doesn't stop her from saying it. She asks me questions and apparently she has no intention of listening to the answer. It makes me feel like she is trying to drive me insane. It's practically GIBBERISH. It makes it virtually impossible to really converse.
To me it feels sort of sabotaging that she chooses to speak to me in a way that is very difficult to respond to even though she is capable of other modes of speech.
Sometimes the answer is why ask why?
--- End quote ---
Hi, Starlight.
Yes, I think there is. Another example that I've encountered is when an N asked me, repeatedly, to do something SHE wanted. I had already told her NO the first time, the second time, etc. and yet, she would continue REPEATING the identical question until I would finally lose my patience! What part of the word "NO" does she NOT understand?!?!?!? :? :P I couldn't help but wonder if the main reason she kept doing that was because she was hoping that my "NO" would MAGICALLY change into a "YES" for HER convenience!! It's AGGRAVATING when they REFUSE to respect what you have just said!
Bones
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote ---Is there a Nar communication style?
--- End quote ---
Not knowing your mom... but having known a few Ns... my way of thinking of this, is that "communication" requires mutual, sequential talking & HEARING (not just pretending to listen - but really caring). And an Ns direct experience of reality only has room for, only includes, him or herself. Not other people... no matter who the other people biologically or relationally ARE. They go through the motions of pretending to converse.
It can be maddening. When it's a parent (or a child) - it can be terribly painful. The "trick" of the whole false interaction is that for whatever sick reason they have and the variety of ways they've discovered to play their trick... it amounts to the fact that they are sooooooo alone in their delusional world that they hardly even experience normal emotions... therefore, they interact with other people... and exhibit all these bizarre behaviors to provoke those feelings we all know so well... and they absolutely are trying to FEEL, themselves through stimulating that emotion. So when you feel targeted, picked on, purposely ignored after giving in to pleading for a meeting or conversation... they are getting what they want - or think they want. They're generating those familiar feelings of anger, frustration, invisibility and even sometimes despair so they can figure out what the feelings are... and sorta feel, by remote control. (I can't remember the word for that right now).
They don't even know they're doing this. Totally unaware. Even when your conversation is like a broken record: when the N repeats exactly the same phrases, words, and thoughts and you can spew forth the conversation verbatim before the words come out of their mouth... even if you do that to them... they might agree with you - but still have no consciousness that they've been saying exactly the same thing for years. This is their illness. And we absolutely can not, aren't capable of fixing them or getting through to them. (This has been true in my experience with Nmom, two different kind of N-ex husbands, and an Nboss or two.) If anything, I think we put ourselves in jeopardy and keep ourselves "stuck"... even trying to understand them.
So, I guess my answer is YES - there is a Nar communication style - but I still hesitate to call it communication.
But, vent away! My attempt to explain this is only my theory and one size doesn't necessarily fit all. And sometimes I find the only way I can get past the insanity is to vent. Lately, I've had plenty to vent about because it seems as though there's a pandemic of insanity to deal with, if I allow myself to read newspapers, magazines and watch TV.
SilverLining:
--- Quote from: Starlight on April 10, 2012, 10:38:32 PM ---Is there a Nar communication style?
--- End quote ---
Hi Star. I definitely think there is, and it's something I've thought about quite a bit. As Phoenix suggests, CO-mmunication is not a good word for the process. It's more a one sided vampiric event with the N baiting an-other into providing them with attention and supply. The N knows the formalities of interaction but isn't able/willing to follow through with the substance.
An example from my FOO which seems similar to your experience: My father with initiate a mo-nversation by asking a couple of inane questions which he's asked a dozen times before. His attention span for the reply is a few milliseconds before the topic is flipped back to himself. So nothing about me ever registers. I am a perpetual stranger to him, but am expected to treat him as an intimate. So the relationship becomes totally one sided.
One of my ways of dealing with it is to keep them at arms length. As long as I don't expect them to function as more than strangers, I'm not going to be disappointed. I can seek more fulfilling interactions elsewhere.
Meh:
Something totally different that I've been thinking about the last couple of days is about personality types according to the Myers/Briggs model. Recently took the Myers Briggs personality testing and found out that according to this. (I'm not sure if I really answered honestly or not because I feel like I'm answering the personality test from a place of anger! But it came out that I have an INTJ personality type and females in this group are the rarest of all the groups. The INTJ are explained as being not very emotionally expressive and even disdainful of small talk.
It's all to in-depth to me since I'm not a psychology student. The question comes to my mind though if certain personality types are more likely to become Narcissistic or to develop certain types of personality disorder. Or maybe it doesnt matter. I'm sort of thinking maybe Introvertedness is a result of having Narcissistic parents but really it probably isn't because there are extroverts here on this board I think. Yet maybe HSP extroverts? Nah maybe not.
I have this deep down sad question that always says "who could I have been or who would I have been had things been different"
Also I wonder about the idea of the people who are (HSP) highly sensitive people. How Narcissism impacts these people compared to not HSP's. I really don't have the energy to properly study it. Seems to me like people who are effected by Narcissism come across as being highly sensitive (HSP).
And another comment. In the past I've had therapists/doctors say to me that anxiety and depression often go together as if they are both just part of a brain chemical imbalance. For the first time though I think I noticed a very clear sensation of waking up with anxiety (stress) because it hurts my stomach right as I wake up and then an ensuing type of response that is like depression but I don't call it that word.
Maybe it's simply too much stress = a type of physical/emotional paralysis of sorts. Sort of an emotional threshold point that is too much for the nervous system. Basically people who are "depressed" are sick just like having a flu. I don't think its caused by a chemistry defect thing in the brain. I think it is simple stress/distress. Isn't this very simple and how did this get sort of turned around into a congenital defect of the brain chemistry.
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