Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Nar communication style
sKePTiKal:
Hmmm. Afterlife. OK, since no one really knows for sure, I'm gonna decide that my "real, ideal, mom" will show up to claim me!!
Maybe I really was switched at birth, you know? My best friend was born the same week, same hospital as me... and maybe both our lives would've been different.
KayZee:
--- Quote ---. it amounts to the fact that they are sooooooo alone in their delusional world that they hardly even experience normal emotions... therefore, they interact with other people... and exhibit all these bizarre behaviors to provoke those feelings we all know so well... and they absolutely are trying to FEEL, themselves through stimulating that emotion. So when you feel targeted, picked on, purposely ignored after giving in to pleading for a meeting or conversation... they are getting what they want - or think they want. They're generating those familiar feelings of anger, frustration, invisibility and even sometimes despair so they can figure out what the feelings are... and sorta feel, by remote control.
--- End quote ---
God, P.R. I can't thank you enough for the above. How can something so sick be so comforting? But I do find it oddly comforting. I wonder. . . Maybe those of use who are continuously scapegoated, nit-picked, prodded, poked, harassed are actually some of the most emotionally intelligent (or at least the most human) in our FOOs?
I feel so wound-up, hopeless, angry and shamed after a recent visit to my NM's house. The whole time I was there, NM would give exasperated sighs when I spoke or cut me off/position her body away when I tried to speak to her--all these passive aggressive cues. Then finally--to my total dismay and feelings of failure--I exploded, at which point it felt like I was feeling/expressing the anger she had been trying to express herself.
Anyway, what you said gives me hope. I tend to feel really guilty whenever I feel/express strong emotions around my family, who themselves act like emotionless zombies. They act like they feel nothing and walk around parroting everything my NM says. It's Dawn of the Freaking Dead around there, like NM has sucked out everyone's soul.
KayZee:
Also on the subject of N-communication, I noticed anytime my NM talks about feelings she switches from first person to second person. Like, talking about a teething baby or a sick toddler she'll say: "You just feel so bad for them." (This, instead of saying "I feel so bad for him/her"). It could be a figure of speech or it could be her poker 'tell.' Almost like she's acknowledging that she can't feel the emotions herself, but she sort of knows what other people ("you") feel in similar situations.
Also, does the N in anyone else's life like to tell other people what they think or feel? My NM does this all the time! And it makes me crazy! She's always, always wrong when she tries to tell me what I'm feeling. I'm assuming that's because it's a projection of what she's thinking. For instance, she's just told me: "You have a problem with me because you expect me to be a perfect, model person." Seems to me that she's the one who thinks she's perfect/feels she's perfect/created some cold, false, bulletproof facade so other people will value her.
Maaan. . . I hate N-communication. I always feel like I'm interrupting people who are talking to themselves. Get the same sensation with my Dad and sister that I do with NM. Like everyone just repeats the same sound bites all the time, tells the same grandiose stories. It's so scripted/unspontaneous, I feel like there ought to be a laugh track and an on-air sign.
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote --- It's so scripted/unspontaneous, I feel like there ought to be a laugh track and an on-air sign.
--- End quote ---
And after the show is over, it feels like a huge waste of time, huh? No one to one, shared space of "being together"... no chance to be the one who is cared about, respected enough to be listened to, or even acknowledged... the "audience" is just another necessary prop to the script.
I do recognize my Nm in the use of the second person voice... and for sure, she STILL tries to tell me (and everyone else) what they do and SHOULD feel. Just like Twoapenny's confrontation with her mom... mine was related to this particular projection... sort of her feeling out what she was supposed to feel, when my Dad took a turn for the worse. Her direct words were: "I know you feel you should..." and I cut her off and screamed into the phone that she had absolutely NO IDEA how I felt, I wasn't going to tell her, and it's not possible for one person to know, see or otherwise "feel" another person's feelings.
Then I hung up and had to sit for a while, until I stopped shaking.
It's OK to walk out of plays and movies, when you know how it's going to end and you're really not into the production, at all.
KayZee:
--- Quote ---It's OK to walk out of plays and movies, when you know how it's going to end and you're really not into the production, at all.
--- End quote ---
I love this. And, yes, it's probably much healthier to walk out than it is to stand up and throw popcorn at the scream, all whilest shouting, "AAAGGGH!! These actors are so stilted!!! This plot is so shallow, cliche, cruel and predictable!!!" (To my shame, horror and feelings of failure, this is sort of how I ended my last visit with FOO.)
It enrages me that your NM tried to tell you how you felt over your father's health. As if the news alone wasn't painful enough to deal with without her interjecting.
That's what I hate about Ns--I always get the feeling that my NM kicks me hardest when I'm down, physically hurt or emotionally grieving--but what you've said helps me to have more compassion for them. I guess what's painful or terrifying for us is painful and terrifying for them too because it draws their attention to the humanity they're missing.
Kay x
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