Hi Everybody

[Twoapenny]

Hi Everyone, I hope people are doing okay and I am so happy to see so many familiar names on here when I have been away for so long.

To anyone who doesn't know me, hi, I'm Twoapenny and I've found this board an amazing source of help and support.  I haven't had internet access at home for a while so I haven't been able to get on here much but that has changed now so I'm looking forward to reading posts and catching up on what's been going on for everyone.  I hope it's been healing, however painful and however much it might not feel like it at the time.

Just to update my situation a little - I have been trying hard to 'find' myself  - to figure out what I like and don't like, to be me, bad bits as well as good bits, to accept I'm not perfect and that I'm not trying to be all the time and to try and live my life for myself and not through other people.  Essentially, I've been trying to forge my own personality and drop the one I had to create in order to deal with my mum.

It's not been easy and I'm not there yet, but I am trying my best and I tell myself now that's as much as I need to do.  I feel happier and more content than I ever have, as well as more confident.  I don't feel a need to act confident so much anymore - I feel it's alright to walk into a room and be quiet, whereas in the past I felt like I had to be the life and soul of the party, however badly I might be feeling.  I'm trying to support my friends without taking over, to put my own needs first without being selfish, to say what I think without diluting it to make it acceptable to everyone and to have fun as much as I can.  I'm a bit wobbly with it all but I'm trying!

I've joined a conservation group and a weekly walking group, so I'm meeting people outside my usual zone.  I'm looking for a part time job now as my son is well enough for me to leave him for a couple of days a week.  I'm saving up to move house - somewhere nearer town so it's easier to get around.  Things are good.

I bumped into my mum last year for the first time since I found out about the false accusations she made about me five years before.  I really told her off, in the street.  I told her how angry I was with her and how much damage she did my boy.  I told her her husband molested me and that she sickens me by standing by him.  She was furious but I didn't care - it's the first time in my life I've had the courage to stand up to her and it felt damn good

So that's me for now.  Looking forward to spending time here again and sharing with you all.  Thank you for still being here and having me back.

[lighter]

So glad to see you posting again, Tup!

Was it wonderful to just speak your mind, and let your mother have it?

In public?

It sounds like it was a relief.... something you needed to hand to her, and did.

Good for you, and I look forward to reading more of your updates.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hey Lighter

Good to see you

Wonderful doesn't even describe it   I haven't felt afraid since I did it - it's been about five months now.  Prior to that I'd been afraid for thirty eight years.  It's been an enormous shift for me.  It was in public - in our local shopping centre.  I was really angry and yelled a lot - initially I was quite calm and was just going to say my bit and walk away but boy, can she push my buttons!  Normally I would have clammed up and backed down, but not this time.  I was shaking afterwards, I was so angry, but the next morning I woke up feeling about ten stone lighter.  It was incredibly cathartic.  I don't feel like I'm constantly checking over my shoulder now   It feels good just writing about it!  Thank you for giving me the opportunity

Tup xx

[BonesMS]

Hi, Tup!

So glad you're back!!!!

Bones

[Twoapenny]

Hi Bones!  ((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))

Glad to be back!  Really good to see you

Tup xxx

[sKePTiKal]

I told her how angry I was with her and how much damage she did my boy.  I told her her husband molested me and that she sickens me by standing by him.  She was furious but I didn't care - it's the first time in my life I've had the courage to stand up to her and it felt damn good

I think this AWESOME!!!! Tupps.

Big hug... let's get some tea and chat awhile!

[KayZee]

I feel happier and more content than I ever have, as well as more confident.  I don't feel a need to act confident so much anymore - I feel it's alright to walk into a room and be quiet, whereas in the past I felt like I had to be the life and soul of the party, however badly I might be feeling.  I'm trying to support my friends without taking over, to put my own needs first without being selfish, to say what I think without diluting it to make it acceptable to everyone and to have fun as much as I can.  I'm a bit wobbly with it all but I'm trying!

This this is so amazingly inspiring, insightful and uplifting.  Good to see you Twoapenny.  And hoorah!

love, Kay

[BonesMS]

Hi Bones!  ((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))

Glad to be back!  Really good to see you

Tup xxx

((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[Twoapenny]

Phoenix, the kettle's on!  Good to see you.  Hope you are doing okay?

Kay, thank you so much.  I am trying!  I'm thinking progression, not perfection (the opposite to the way I've always felt things had to be in the past).  I don't feel great all the time, but I think I've accepted that I've been damaged by my experiences and that everything I do is part of that healing process.  I'm getting better at living with my faults (I have faults!  I also have a lot of good points, just like everybody else.  I'm learning - slowly - that most people can love me with my faults as well.  I don't need to be perfect for people to care about me).  I'm getting better at talking to people - asking friends what I can do to help, rather than rushing in and taking over.  With my mum I was expected to know before she did what she wanted, and her needs were probably more extreme than most people's, so it's left my perception of 'what to do in a crisis' a bit wonky, to say the least.  So I'm trying to give other people the opportunity to tell me what they need, and to accept that they may not want what I think they should!  It's all a bit new, still, but I'm hanging in there.  On the whole, it feels good.  Thank you for your kind words

Bonesie - right back at ya! ((((((()))))) xx

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))

Dueling hugs!!!!  LOL!!!!   

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Yes, Penny, I'm well and on the "progress" treadmill, too! LOL...

trying to pushing my healing from the mental/emotional side of me... into the physical, now... before I reach the stage of thinking I'm too old for it to matter! I think I deserve - after all this time - to feel good about how I look, to feel healthy and fit, to take care of myself physically, too. I'm thinking of myself as being "in training", now.

I'm more social now than I've been in the past - though it's still tough to shake hubby's following me around like a puppy-dog, all the time - we're making progress. And even tho, this week I'm kinda back to my old "chatty cathy" posting levels... for the most part it's been elsewhere, on different topics... than working on myself. Doing some "new" things, confronting and blowing away old fears, expanding the "little, safe" world that I used to live in because I didn't believe - wasn't confident enough, in my feelings about myself - to think that I was really allowed out into the big, wide, crazy, and sometimes risky world... "out there".... with "normal" people.

You sound really good! I've wondered from time to time, how you've been doing and I worried there for awhile that maybe the inner child stuff got a little too intense for you? I guess if it did, it all turned out OK, because really do sound happy, peaceful -- in a really good "place". It's SOOO nice to see your update!

[Ales2]

Hi Twoapenny - Great to see your posts here again. Welcome back!  I was moved and felt a shift just reading what you confronted your Mom with...I found it cathartic for me when I have been able to hold my head up and when I have not allowed others to give me the doormat treatment.

So congrats on everything... looking forward to more posts.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Ales,

Thank you!  It's good to see you ((((()))  I read a couple of your older posts last night, sounds like things have been a bit rough.  Hoping you're feeling a little better now ((((()))))  I know what you mean about standing up to people.  When I first started doing it it felt so wrong - I felt guilty and/or quite aggresive about it - I think the fear of doing it made me defensive?  If that makes any sense?  I also used to feel like I had to have good reasons for standing up to someone and that I had to explain them - looking for confirmation from someone else that it was okay to say no!  I was also people pleasing my T, so felt like I had to do the 'right' thing so I got a pat on the head from her - a real conundrum that went on for years!  Fortunately my T was good enough to take that on board (when I finally got up the courage to tell her I felt that way) and we spent a lot of time then working on me doing things for me, JUST BECAUSE I WANTED TO!  Not for any particular reason, not with any justification, just because it's what felt best for me at the time.  We also worked a lot on it being okay for me to change my mind - I'm was happy to babysit last week but it's not convenient this week - you know the sort of thing.  I've also had to work really hard on not reading too much into friends responses if they say no to me about something - it doesn't mean they hate me, I'm demanding, I'm selfish, they're sick of me etc, it's just that they're busy/tired/have already made plans and I don't need to spend weeks fretting about it.  It's a real see saw - I still have to work at it a lot but it is getting easier.  It reminds me of learning to drive - at first there were so many different things to think about that I thought I was never going to do it, but gradually it all comes together and eventually you can do it without thinking - although I do crash sometimes!  Ha!  Thank you for your post, it's good to see you (((((((()))))))

Phoenix, I'm glad you're doing some work on the physical stuff too.  I'm kind of in the same place, funnily enough - spending more time on my appearance, buying clothes, exercising and so on.  Funny how as your mind gets calmer you can start to think about other things   I'm doing inner child stuff as and when.  I find it really difficult and there are times I get to a point where I just want to be 'normal' for a while and I leave it for a bit.  I think I'm up to about age 8 now?  I've just tried to deal with things as I've felt them become an issue rather than trying to push it.  But I'm also trying every day to be more nurturing and loving to myself, and to be more accepting of my faults (which,even though they're faults, aren't that bad).  Thank you ((((()))))

Bonesie - another for you! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) 

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tup))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[Twoapenny]

Yay!  Let's go for a round the world hug!!  Everybody join in!  (((((((((((((((((((((Bonesie and Everybody ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) lol xx