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Twoapenny:
Hi Everyone, I hope people are doing okay and I am so happy to see so many familiar names on here when I have been away for so long.

To anyone who doesn't know me, hi, I'm Twoapenny and I've found this board an amazing source of help and support.  I haven't had internet access at home for a while so I haven't been able to get on here much but that has changed now so I'm looking forward to reading posts and catching up on what's been going on for everyone.  I hope it's been healing, however painful and however much it might not feel like it at the time.

Just to update my situation a little - I have been trying hard to 'find' myself  - to figure out what I like and don't like, to be me, bad bits as well as good bits, to accept I'm not perfect and that I'm not trying to be all the time and to try and live my life for myself and not through other people.  Essentially, I've been trying to forge my own personality and drop the one I had to create in order to deal with my mum.

It's not been easy and I'm not there yet, but I am trying my best and I tell myself now that's as much as I need to do.  I feel happier and more content than I ever have, as well as more confident.  I don't feel a need to act confident so much anymore - I feel it's alright to walk into a room and be quiet, whereas in the past I felt like I had to be the life and soul of the party, however badly I might be feeling.  I'm trying to support my friends without taking over, to put my own needs first without being selfish, to say what I think without diluting it to make it acceptable to everyone and to have fun as much as I can.  I'm a bit wobbly with it all but I'm trying!

I've joined a conservation group and a weekly walking group, so I'm meeting people outside my usual zone.  I'm looking for a part time job now as my son is well enough for me to leave him for a couple of days a week.  I'm saving up to move house - somewhere nearer town so it's easier to get around.  Things are good.

I bumped into my mum last year for the first time since I found out about the false accusations she made about me five years before.  I really told her off, in the street.  I told her how angry I was with her and how much damage she did my boy.  I told her her husband molested me and that she sickens me by standing by him.  She was furious but I didn't care - it's the first time in my life I've had the courage to stand up to her and it felt damn good :)

So that's me for now.  Looking forward to spending time here again and sharing with you all.  Thank you for still being here and having me back.

lighter:
So glad to see you posting again, Tup!

Was it wonderful to just speak your mind, and let your mother have it?

In public?

It sounds like it was a relief.... something you needed to hand to her, and did.

Good for you, and I look forward to reading more of your updates.

Lighter

Twoapenny:
Hey Lighter :)

Good to see you :)

Wonderful doesn't even describe it :)  I haven't felt afraid since I did it - it's been about five months now.  Prior to that I'd been afraid for thirty eight years.  It's been an enormous shift for me.  It was in public - in our local shopping centre.  I was really angry and yelled a lot - initially I was quite calm and was just going to say my bit and walk away but boy, can she push my buttons!  Normally I would have clammed up and backed down, but not this time.  I was shaking afterwards, I was so angry, but the next morning I woke up feeling about ten stone lighter.  It was incredibly cathartic.  I don't feel like I'm constantly checking over my shoulder now :)  It feels good just writing about it!  Thank you for giving me the opportunity :)

Tup xx

BonesMS:
Hi, Tup!

So glad you're back!!!!

Bones

Twoapenny:
Hi Bones!  ((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))

Glad to be back!  Really good to see you :)

Tup xxx

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