Light Bulb moments

[Twoapenny]

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to share a recent lightbulb moment with you (on the subject of lightbulb moments, isn't it weird how something that's been a massively intrinsic part of you your whole life suddenly looks completely different and you realise that it's wrong and you don't need it any more?).

From a young age, my mum often told the story of the day she went to bed to kill herself.  At the time this happened, I was four and my sister was two.  I think I was around eight when she started talking about it a lot - my dad died when I was eight so it probably wasn't the best tale to be telling a grieving child.

Obviously she didn't die, apparently she changed her mind and got out of bed again, put the pills away and carried on as before.  But I think that story is the reason I spent my whole life making her happy - because if I didn't she'd kill herself and it would be all my fault.

It was a shock to realise, but felt good at the same time.  The more I think about my childhood, the more I realise she was never a good parent, even when I was little.  I have suffered from depression and have been suicidal.  But my son knows nothing at all about it, and won't until he's an adult, and only then if it comes up in conversation or if he asks me specifically.  Who in the world tells a story like that to children?

Anyway, a good moment of revelation for me.  Perhaps others have had similar?

[BonesMS]

Morning, Tup!!

Yes, I can relate to that!!!  The NQueen #$%! did the same.....telling the young child me about how she attempted suicide, among other crap that was TOTALLY inappropriate to be telling ANY child!  It seems their whole attitude toward their own children is:  "F--- you, ME FIRST!"

Bones

[lighter]

Wow, Tup.

That's a terrible thing to do. 

Imagine how a child would view bedtime every night after hearing that about their mum.

Little children feel responsible, and in control, of everything...... that's just so wrong.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Bones, that's exactly it!  In her telling of the story, her reason for deciding against suicide wasn't because she couldn't bear to leave her children (which was my reason for not killing myself even though I felt like I wanted to), it was because she decided she was better than them (them being my dad and his family, I think) and wouldn't give them the satisfaction.  I'm sorry you had to hear this kind of thing too (((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))))))))

Lighter, I think it's having my own son that's made me realise how many awful things my mum did.  There are just so many things she did that I wouldn't do.  Some things change from one generation to the next - what was considered acceptable thirty years ago might not be now.  But there are other things that I think are just wrong, whichever era you are born in.  Ironically, my mum has always claimed my son's disability stems from the dreadful things he saw when I was depressed (he saw me cry a couple of times and was there when I yelled at my mum once).  It's just strange how she thinks fairly minor things like that can traumatise a child so badly he's disabled for life, but sees nothing wrong at all with so much of what she's done.  She also refuses to see how anything in my childhood may have contributed to the mental health problems I have had, insisting instead it's my mental health problems that make me think my childhood is bad??????????  This is why I don't think about her too much, trying to get my head around her mind is enough to make anyone crazy! 

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tup)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

She also refuses to see how anything in my childhood may have contributed to the mental health problems I have had, insisting instead it's my mental health problems that make me think my childhood is bad??????????

This common N-strategy makes the steam roll out of my ears, and the expletives roll off my tongue and I automatically get into Bruce Lee kick-butt position. I have dealt with this for over 40 years... I see it all too often, in too many places in life today... and it still triggers me.

But I'm also learning to laugh at it - it IS a pathetic attempt to absolve the "accuser" of any responsibility whatsoever. It's playground level bullying - "reality is what I say it is and if you don't agree there is something wrong with you" - from someone who is emotionally 4-5 years old and having a tantrum, then wondering why no will play with her or like her...

SIGH.

[Twoapenny]

Yes, Phoenix, agree with all of that!  Something I recognised in my own behaviour was never wanting to admit I was wrong or that I had faults.  It has caused me a lot of problems over the years.  I feel more comfortable now with being able to say that I messed up, or I didn't do something well - not completely comfortable, but more comfortable than I used to be.  I think it's one of those areas that makes it impossible for me to have a relationship with my mum - there's no give and take, it's me giving - my health, my sanity, my time, my desire for normality all have to be put to one side in order for her to take what she wants, which is generally adoration and complete obedience without any need on her part to give anything emotionally or be available in any way.  My happniess - if that's the right word - is that I genuinely feel that I have noticed and worked on this stuff enough to not be passing on huge problems to my son.  I don't think I'm necessarily able to say I've never done anything that may have caused him a problem, but I do think I'm in a position where, if he tells me at some point in the future that something I did hurt him, I'll be able to take responsibility for it and say sorry.  Although I must admit I'm hoping we don't have too many conversations like that!!

[JustKathy]

When I was a child, my NM told me repeatedly that she almost died giving birth to me. She would constantly remind me that I was a "problem child" because she had a difficult labor and "almost died." All lies, of course. I was the first born, so sure, it was more painful than the birth of the GC, who was third. My grandmother told me years down the road that NM had a perfectly normal delivery with me. I'm sure she told me this tall tale to guilt me about being alive and to make me despise myself for almost killing my own mother. In later years, she used it in her scapegoat child/golden child games. After my brother (the GC) was born, she would cite it as yet more reason why I was a problem child and he was a good boy. She equated the difficulty of our births with our worth as children. "Paul has always been an ideal child. He didn't even hurt coming out. I almost died with Kathy."

[Twoapenny]

Kathy, I'm so sorry your mum did that to you.  I think it shows just how focused they are on themselves - there's no thought at all for how that would make someone else feel, particularly a little girl who wants to be loved and wants people to think nice things about her.  It's that kind of "I did all that for you so you owe me" attitude - I find they're unable to do anything without running a kind of tick sheet in their head of things they're owed by particular people.  It's incredibly hard to deal with, especially when they can be so adoring of one child whilst hating the other - still twisted, I know, but knowing they can do 'nice' - all be it in their own, twisted way - is difficult to take.  (((((((((((((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Meh]

"I did it all for you so you owe me".

I've heard this before!! Truth is it's a complete lie. They didn't do it all for somebody else!! What a weird (projection) or turn-around way of thinking.