Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I just want to say .........
Twoapenny:
You are all amazing. Still feeling like shit but hanging in there - soothing, nurturing and being good to myself. Will write more when my head is in a better place but thank you, all of you.
Ales2:
I had to get up and put benadryl spray on it last night at 2am. I think taking care of the rash is also a metaphor for taking care of ourselves emotionally too. I'm going to put on more lotion each day until its gone and use more moisturizer, maybe its just dry skin that needs to be tended too.
I also went to be envisioning the I am done, solved and beyond therapy and today I wake up feeling it to be so. I'm going to try this again every night this week with things in my life I want to finish.
(((((Two))) hope you are getting better today.
Twoapenny:
Sorry, just rambling and need to get things out of my head, will respond to posts properly soon.
There are patterns - that's what I notice, patterns in my life that still keep occuring despite all the attempts I have made to change things. This particular situation was triggered, I think by:
Refusal of other to acknowledge how I feel - attempts were made to rationalise my feelings. They're my feelings, I own them, I don't need to justify or explain them to people, they are there and they are valid. Over and over again, for almost thirty years now, people have denied me my right to feel.
Focus on the behaviour of the victim and their response rather than the offender. Again, a pattern - coming into contact with people who think 'victims' should behave and react a certain way. Over and over again people have justified or explained the abuse by focusing on my behaviour and the way in which I deal with it rather than focusing on the abuser.
Dismissing me as irrational, emotional - generally not listening - no voice!!!!!!!! So many people want to deny me a voice.
Inability to accept difference - I have a view, you have a view. A view is an opinion, right? Not a statement of fact, not a right or wrong - I like coffee, you don't. Neither of us has a greater right to an opinion - but again, a pattern of people who are convinced they are right and I am not, because we see things differently.
Being shouted down - I get this a lot - people who over power you in order to silence - sometimes physically, sometimes verbally, sometimes emotionally.
More generally - friends who are there through circumstance, rather than friendship. So many people in my life basically see me as someone to accompany them somewhere. I have thought and thought and thought about why I am so alone. I can't do a lot of socialising because of my son's disability. Therefore I hardly ever see anyone. A friend would visit instead, rather than inviting me to things I can't go to?
Dumped when no longer useful - this has happened to me so many times in my life. I feel invisible. I feel ignored and disconnected and like no-one has got any clue I even exist. Inner child? 15? I reckon around two dozen people know my step father abused me now, and not one person has even had a go at him about it. He is surrounded and protected. I am alone and vulnerable. If he speaks, people obey. If I speak I am silenced.
What to do next? More counselling? Have had so much I don't know whether there's any point? Is it that effective if 12 years down the line this is still happening? Sorry - rambling. Just need to get things out of my head. Will write properly later.
BonesMS:
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
sKePTiKal:
Can I ramble along with you? I'm "going through something", too... and these thoughts sort of hit home with me, as a place for me to start:
--- Quote ---Refusal of other to acknowledge how I feel - attempts were made to rationalise my feelings. They're my feelings, I own them, I don't need to justify or explain them to people, they are there and they are valid. Over and over again, for almost thirty years now, people have denied me my right to feel.
Focus on the behaviour of the victim and their response rather than the offender. Again, a pattern - coming into contact with people who think 'victims' should behave and react a certain way. Over and over again people have justified or explained the abuse by focusing on my behaviour and the way in which I deal with it rather than focusing on the abuser.
--- End quote ---
... that phrase: "people have denied me my right to feel"... that reality, has so affected me, that I (much of the time) am walking around not even paying attention, expecting that I might, or even being aware... that I feel ___________. And then, when I do feel - and still not being conscious of it, really - inevitably someone (most often my hubs... sigh...) insists that I need to feel something else instead... or not feel as intensely as I feel - and I'm left befuddled wondering what the hell he's talking about - because my brain's not processing the collective sensations into an understanding of "I feel ______." Talk about a relational "death spiral"! Leaves people around me confused, too. And takes forever to process it down to "here's what happened".
Usually this has to do with anger or sadness or frustration -- but the kicker is - what my hubs doesn't realize - is that by clamping down on any one emotion, selectively... they're ALL clamped down. That switch is on/off for everything... and the programming code doesn't allow for variables: this emotion, not that one. At least, that's how I've seen it work for me... maybe I'm missing something.
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