Hi everyone,
I mentioned in my last post that I'd be back...I think my VESMB voice needed to be quiet for a while.
Thought I'd update everybody, and ramble some. With apologies for not keeping up with you. I have
popped in to read and send invisible support. So glad the board keeps going. What an extraordinarily
valuable space this is. For me, especially during winters, it's been a lifesaver. I looked back recently and was
stunned at how many years I posted so regularly, and also how deep a "diary" it was. Painful but also
heartening at times.
So...in keeping with a desire to be less rambly (good luck, self):
Daughter: Has cut off contact though I will be writing her in around a month. Long story
involving her realization she couldn't care for her cat, and blaming me when I found a home for
him (though she'd asked me to take him and knew I couldn't keep him because of allergies and my
move). Truth is, she decided to let him go. And, she could not face how much it hurt. So, she amputated
our relationship. I don't know whether healing's in store. She didn't call for my birthday or Mother's
Day -- first time ever (and announced in an online forum that "The last time I talked to my mother I told her
was the last time I would talk to her.") That's not true, the note she left me said "Do not contact me for
several months" -- but it seems to be what's playing out. I have faced it as fully as I can, the
possibility of permanent estrangement. Certainly it's happened to people here.
That's the selfish part, my own grief. What matters more is how she is, which is not good, from
what I can tell online. She has shaved her head bald, makes reference to continual homelessness
and unemployment, and looks very thin. She's obsessed with MMA (extreme fighting matches, is a
fan and posts about it--I think it started because her Dad loved it and that's a bond with his memory).
I can't get that, but I'm a different person. I can't fix her, rescue her, or intervene. She has made amply
clear that anything I do or say engrages and weakens her at the same time. So I'm leaving her be.
Now and then when my resolve to detach weakens, I find crumbs of information online. I know that as
of a few months ago she did have some medication and some counseling, but I think her journey
with bipolar may be very long, before she stabilizes. The worst outcomes are too fearful to express.
I think wistfully of people with incomes and insurance who get the care they need. (Catherine Zeta
Jones is one famous example). I don't know how a homeless, unemployed person with a difficult
childhood plus possible ADD plus bipolar plus mild Asperger's is supposed to "rally" or "get better."
All I can do is pray that all her resourcefulness isn't overwhelmed. Though I suspect it nearly is.
I will send her some money with my letter, but ongoing financial support isn't possible. I still
pay for her cell phone, it's one lifeline. (And, should she ever want to call me one day...)
House: It's sold. I have to be out first week of June. I've put an offer in on one, a wee house
on a good street. But it's been a very neglected rental that one friend called a "money pit."
I'll be careful and am trying to negotiate right now with seller for major repairs, and am praying
I won't get in over my head with all the others (minor but many). We'll see. My options are very
limited here and I've been looking for a very long time, so I'm hoping this one goes through. If
it doesn't, I'm putting everything in storage and will "couch surf" myself for a while, until the
right one appears. That could mean a year+ of living out of a suitcase, but I'll do what I have to.
Church is good, friends are good. I am doing a "spiritual direction" process with the new minister
and finding some surprising comforts in it. With friends, I am anxious and needy and they are
beyond loving and patient with me. When the adrenalin of all this finally calms, I will be weak-
kneed with gratitude. Already am but can't yet express it adequately.
Work is what it is, boss included, and I'm making my peace with it most days. Very distracted
lately so am not as productive as I ought to be. Boss has been away for a week or so and
that's always a balm. Meanwhile, if I stay in the present, I can cope with it. And I'm lucky
to be employed, in this town, at this age. Got to hang on here...no new jobs popping up
for a 62-year-old. Once I move and settle, I hope to freelance more. Or write my own work.
Got to run...thank you for listening, all. And please forgive me for not offering as much
support right now as I've received. You deserve full presence and attention and I know
I just can't give as much as I've gotten, so fully and for so long, from so many.
with love to you,
Hops
