Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Help? Advice?
KayZee:
Hi all,
I'm so sorry. I've been on here so sporadically lately and when I am, I've often been too emotionally bombarded and mixed up to post anything. Been feeling pretty antisocial and fearful of people in real life too, leading to many marital arguments (hubby has developed this whole gang of friends in the year since we've moved to our new town and I haven't really clicked with their wives or anyone else for that matter). It feels a bit like everything's unraveling all at once. The more I stay away from people, the harder it becomes to reach back out.
Anyway, I'm desperate for some advice. I've been feeling lately like I just can't take it (NM's endless head games and covert attacks) anymore. Spent the past month questioning whether I want to ask her for a temporary separation. I decided--ultimately, like I always do--that I'll just suck it up and hold NM at an emotional distance, try to stake out my boundaries and meet in person with her and enabling co-N Father at a bare minimum, mostly on obligatory days like holidays.
So I invited NM and Co-N Father to my daughter's third birthday party on June 29. Even though I don't want them there (NM acted like such a monster at her second B-day). I guess you could say I caved to pressure and social norms. I wanted to hide the depths of my family dysfunction from my in-laws who will also be at the party. And I wanted to invite my dear aunt and uncle (NM is very jealous when I ask them to come visit and not her). At any rate, I already felt like I was testing my limits by inviting NM to my daughter's party.
In response to the invitation, NM writes, "Are you celebrating your son's first birthday (it's on June 9), if so we'd like to participate." So to be clear, she did not RSVP to the party I invited her to--in fact, she made no mention of it--and immediately launched in on what felt like an accusation. How could I throw a party for my daughter and not my son? How could I not invite her up twice in two weeks?
I wrote back and told NM, "No we're not having a party for our son this year. Just this once, because he's so little, we'll probably roll him into our daughter's party."
NM responds, "Well, just a heads up. We're going to drive up on his birthday anyway."
Am I overreacting to be upset? I DON'T WANT HER here on my son's birthday. I DIDN'T INVITE HER. I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER TWICE IN TWO WEEKS. Hell, I barely want to see her the one time. WHY can't she respond to a straightforward question with a straightforward answer? WHY does she need to ENCROACH ALL THE TIME? The honest truth is: I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER AT ALL. But I keep going through the motions, because I'm afraid of setting her off further. And because I don't want to have to explain why I disowned my family to normal people. I don't want to confuse my kids. I don't want to embarrass my husband (who seems perpetually embarrassed of me anyway).
I'm so sorry, guys, for the rant. I'm feeling so alone. I don't know how to say No to NM. (What is a good way to say "no" to her? In a way that she will accept?) I don't know how to feel better.
I'd be so grateful for any advice or words of wisdom. This is the worst I've felt in years:(
Kay x
KayZee:
Also. . . I found out that after I didn't immediately respond to her invite-herself "we're coming up to see you" text, she went full triangulation and called other members of my family and told them I am "withholding her grandchildren from her." That I "don't let her see them." etc. I haven't even said no yet, and she's already hedging her bets, manipulating the situation and trying to make me look crazy/angry. I can't take this.
K x
Ales2:
Hi ((((((((((KayZee)))))))) - I hear you loud and clear. Rant away. Its Ok, thats why we are here.
Its very complicated between husband, two little ones, new move, friends (or lack thereof) and not wanting to disappoint in-laws etc. Its very frustrating. You sound like you are being straightforward and wish desperately the N could be too....I think one of the resentments of being a daughter of N has to be juggling all the non-sense and the triangulation and crazy making.
A couple of suggestions:
Its a third bday party - can you put the kids in one room or at a table where they have activities (coloring or crafts, maybe a clown?) and maybe set a table (with namecards) for adults? Maybe you could put your family together - encouraging your Nm to sit with your AUnt/Uncle and put your inlaws at another table. It doesnt have to be obvious so that people feel excluded, just a little separate. Or maybe have each one of the family members to help out a little - someone to come early to set up, someone to stay late to clean up and have little duties at the party, one to put candles on the cake, another to take kids outside, whatever little "directing" you can do to distract. My suggestion is to do a little diversion, but make people feel useful and included.
As for the sons birthday, tell her you have been invited out, no mention of "who" and just go out with him. The zoo, chuck e. cheese, or maybe a picnic in the park. Tell her she can celebrate that at the other party.
I remember the times it hurt me to say NO because I knew I would miss out on other opportunities (in your case, your kids do), but every time I have tried again, I have mostly regretted it. I know there are some people who established boundaries and it did help and LC can be enough, but dont be upset with yourself if this is not the case for you. Its different for everybody and whatever is right for you is OK too. As for worrying about the outsiders, take heart, you sound like a very kind and caring person, stand up for yourself and continue to do so -people will see that there are people out there will see you are perfectly nice, wonderful stable person who come from dysfunctional families and have chosen a higher path, one of concern, caring and detachment from negativity. I think it more acceptable not to get along in a positive, constructive way than you might realize right now and so find ways to make detachment positive, be positive about it and no one will think otherwise.
As for saying NO - I believe in/prefer to just be assertive, but if you are still fearful, maybe easing into it nicely would help, she'll eventually get the message. For example, say something like, Thanks for wanting to see (sons name) on his birhtday, but weve been invited out, so will see you on June 29th. Be nice - say "thanks but No", or "I appreacite this, but No", its a softer NO, but still a NO. Eventually, you wont have to add the frosting before saying No.
Now about that hubby - maybe try a double date with one of his friends as a couple? Or maybe one of your kids friends has a mother you like? Is there anyone in that group, that seems assertive or has some qualities you might like to emulate? Maybe asking someone to coffee might be a good start. You might make a new friend - you sound like you need someone there for you. Whenever I make new friends, I am always thrilled with the prospect that I can put my past behind me and move forward for new experiences.
For some reason, your post really resonated with me - I usually sympathize with everyone here, but dont offer much advice... so just use whats helpful and discard what is not. All the best to you KayZee and son, hubby and daughter. Ales
JustKathy:
Ugh! I can relate to this. My NM used to do this all the time. She would never set foot in any of my houses herself out of anger that I had "bigger, nicer" homes than she did, so instead would call and insist that we come over to visit on her orders, or call and tell me that she was sending my father over to drop off something that I didn't need (meaning, sending him to spy on us and report back if we had any new cars, upgrades to the house, etc). I finally started telling her that I had other plans and wouldn't be home. Unfortunately, though, it didn't work. She would reply with, "That's okay, I'll send your father over anyway, and he can leave (whatever item) at the door." I finally made the decision to go NC. It doesn't work for everyone, but it's worked for me, somewhat, anyway. There is still major stress that goes along with that as Ns will never go down without a fight, but it was the only thing I could do.
As for your in-laws, do you have a good enough relationship with them that you could just tell them the truth? I finally did that with my in-laws. I don't have any children, so there were never occasions where they would have met, but they did keep asking us if we could all get together. So, hard as it was, I finally told them that my mother has mental health issues, and they were very understanding.
Ales2:
Ditto Justkathy!
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