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Help? Advice?

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sKePTiKal:
Kayzee - just some general advice:

As long as you let your NM occupy your thoughts & emotions (outrage, sadness... whatever) - she's winning; it's STILL all about her. Stop it - every time you find "her" creeping into your mind during the day - kick her out, scream at her to leave you alone... or get even more determined and do awful things. I won't repeat mine! LOL... they were that lethal. It's an exercise called the "anger room" - and you just allow your imagination to build the whole scene... to write the whole script. It's positively empowering and kinda frees your emotions from all the "shoulds", "ought to", "need to" s... and helps you just be who you are without all the scripted, interfering drama of NM.

Part Two - is to make your mental day all about YOU. Include your kids and hubs - they're a part of you - but set aside some time during the day... when it's just ALL ABOUT YOU. There is ALWAYS time to take care of Mommy first - because a.) when it's all about NM... you don't develop the habits you need... the mental habit to put yourself first, so that you CAN take care of others (and you might even discover some new things that you didn't know you needed) and b.) even just 10 minutes a day in a regular "Mommy Time-Out" (you don't need an agenda, do you?) can help you restore your perspective, sense of control over you, etc. It's a good antidote to feeling overwhelmed.

About making new friends, in a new town -- two years later, I'm still a-workin' on it too. Of course, my Nmom situation is at the root of the wrapped up in knots, don't have the energy, don't want to be bothered with it "issue". It helps A LOT to let myself feel OK about not being happy, chatty, and to sit back & people watch a little... not just dive in and act like I'm part of a group, or impose myself on some one person. I can't just erase those old emotional ruts that I used to protect myself - or abandon them - because then I have absolutely NOTHING to orient myself or ground myself. A little here... a little there... and I no longer allow my "inner critic" to participate in ANY social activities whatsoever. She's proven herself to be a small-minded, judgemental, catty, jealous bitch - a real party-pooper... and ya know? I think I know where THAT came from!

LOL... you'll be OK KayZee... you're allowed to have veg days... "do-nothing" days... pamper mommy spa days... or just go take a nap! That's what Dads are for. "IT" gets to all of us sometimes - it doesn't make you weak or "less than" to admit it and then prescribe your own remedy.

KayZee:
Thank you so much Ales,


--- Quote ---the only thing she did with her life was be a Mom - so if she loses us, its a huge failure. Problem is she is so selfish and controlling that we dont want to be involved with her.
--- End quote ---

This mirrors my situation more than I can possibly express.  I'm so sorry you had tho go through years of it.  But it means a lot to me that you've been there and can relate.

My NM cut off all contact with my grandfather when my sister and I were very small.  They just reunited a week ago after over 25 years of NC.  So I think a lot of what NM is doing going through is projection.  She didn't let her father see his grandkids and now she lives in fear that someone (specifically me and my sister's ex-husband) are going to do the same to her.  What she can't see is that it's turning into a self-fulfilling prophesy.  She is so combative, nasty and offensive all the time that it REALLY DOES make me reluctant to bring my kids over to see her!

Oh well, I am feeling a little more clear-headed than I was when I wrote this, due in large part to the advice and support of you all!

KayZee:
Oh Twoapenny,

This sounds so stressful:
--- Quote ---(although this was primarily because the abuse had got to a point where she was threatening my son's emotional health as well as my own).
--- End quote ---

I know just what you mean about how having kids gives a person more incentive to set and uphold boundaries.  I find it's much easier to be assertive with NM on my kids' half than on my own.  Examples: "NM, please don't call my daughter a 'brat.'"  "NM please don't try to stand in the way of comforting my daughter when she's fallen down and is crying" (NM loves to say this is 'faking' and 'manipulation' on my daughter's part!  Shocking how much narcissists envy and resent kids.)

[/quote]Asserting myself causes me a lot of anxiety, so there are many times where I stumble and go backwards. [/quote]  I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one who feels overwhelmed by this.  Even in those rare moments when I manage to assert myself, I usually spend the days afterward replaying the whole thing, regretting it, fearing repercussions, etc.  I'm going to take on ASSERT AND RELAX as a new mantra!

Thank you sincerely for the support and solidarity, love, Kay x

KayZee:
Thank you P.R.,

For such compassionate, sound advice.  Soothes my soul.  Sounds hyperbolic.  But truly.

You are so right about this!:
--- Quote ---As long as you let your NM occupy your thoughts & emotions (outrage, sadness... whatever) - she's winning; it's STILL all about her. Stop it - every time you find "her" creeping into your mind during the day - kick her out, scream at her to leave you alone... or get even more determined and do awful things.
--- End quote ---
 

Think I might have mentioned elsewhere  that here in my new vaguely hippie community I've gone to see a Reiki master a few times.  And the advice she gave me echoes yours.  She said, "Anytime you feel emotionally overwhelmed or hear your inner critic rear its head, stop and ask, 'Whose voice is this?'" She claimed it should 'release NM's energy' from my body--crazy as that may sound.

I have notice--it's springtime after all--that getting outside more seems to be helping.  Been trying to take daily hikes/walks since I posted this.  And for whatever reason, NM can't seem to touch me when I'm out in the open air.  Nature's like this incredible protective force field that my dysfunctional FOO bull*hit can't seem to penetrate.


--- Quote ---About making new friends, in a new town -- two years later, I'm still a-workin' on it too. Of course, my Nmom situation is at the root of the wrapped up in knots, don't have the energy, don't want to be bothered with it "issue". It helps A LOT to let myself feel OK about not being happy, chatty, and to sit back & people watch a little... not just dive in and act like I'm part of a group, or impose myself on some one person.
--- End quote ---
  I am SO with you here!  Thank you for reminding me that's okay to give myself permission to NOT try to be sociable.  For reminding me that it's alright to veg out and keep to myself while I work through some stuff. 

It's funny (well not really Ha, ha) but I realize as I type this that NM always used to bully me in public to "smile," "be more outgoing," blah blah blah.  "Blah" because with NM it was always a phony thing.  She wanted me to "put on" the same kind of haughty-show-off-y "public" self that she adopted, and then drop it the second I got back in the car or the front door of our house so that I could be a slave and an audience to her.

Anyway, all that to say, you made me realize that being hard on myself about not having many friends here is another way I'm still bullying myself in NM's voice.  A very valuable insight.

Lots of love and so much gratitude, seriously,
Kay x

KayZee:
Also a little update: I've had a kind of big shock since I posted my initial message.  Realized why I've been extra upset and emotional about it all.  I've noticed that when there's something physical going on with me, it becomes harder to repress my childhood emotional baggage.  Which is a gift in a way, although it never feels like that at the time.  At the time, it feels unbearable.

Anyway, DH and I found out that we're pregnant again.  This is pretty gob-smacking and, honestly, kind of stressful news.  A total improbable kind of accident: I'd been breastfeeding nonstop; period hadn't returned; plus hubby and I barely saw each other in recent months.  We kept having to go away for work at opposite times.  And even when we were together, we spent most nights passing out at 8:30 p.m., so exhausted by the kids that we had no energy/inclination for the kinds of things husbands and wives do.

Don't have a doc appointment til Tuesday.  And because of the breast-feeding/no period thing, I have no idea how pregnant I am. 

On the one hand, I feel very grateful.  I've occasionally fantasized about ultimately having three kids, but never really thought I'd have the guts to pull the trigger.  I grew up in a family of four.  That was my blueprint.  Anything else seemed unthinkable.

Also, the growing realization that we will have another baby has already brought DH and I to some deep revelations.  It's kicked us into gear.  DH in particular took it upon himself to find a full-time job that he can do in addition to the creative work that he does.  He's a very good musician, but doesn't make an income at it. Having two paychecks will take some pressure/anxiety off of me.

But on the other hand, it's still hard not to worry about finances; how it will affect my work and the two children that I have already. 

Plus, pregnancy always spins me into another cycle of reflection and mourning over my NM and FOO.  This time, I'm finding it particularly hard to shake the voice of my inner critic/NM.  When I had my son, NM launched in on a family planning speech while I held my newborn boy in my arms, all sorts of stuff about how she 'couldn't bear for him to be a middle child, etc.'  More projection, of course.  NM is convinced that her own schizo/N mother couldn't give her the love and attention she needed because she had too many children (my NM has 5 brothers and sisters).  But it's still hard not to beat myself up and tell myself I'm a bad, selfish mother for having 'too many children,' etc.

I am trying to come to terms with this: I am going to have three children under the age of four.  You all are the first people I've told.  DH and I are going to be horribly embarrassed to tell our families/friends.  We worry people will think we're freaks!  (I just turned 32.  Most of my married friends don't even have 1 baby yet.)

But I'm sure, once the shock wears off, we won't care.  It will give way to excitement and joy, like it always does.  For the moment, though, I'm a bit daunted.  Exhausted. Emotional.  Stressed-out.  Certainly don't want to tell FOO, and now REALLY don't want to be around NM who has a radar for these things. 

There you have it, Kay x

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