Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Help? Advice?
sKePTiKal:
Oh Kay! That's marvelous news!! Congratulations!
Yes, of course, there's the realistic you knowing what another child means in work, money, space terms. One thinks about those things because one is a responsible, caring parent... and takes appropriate action. That's not stress, though.
And there's the emotional you - already connected to the new little one and feeling protective. As you should. But you need to include yourself inside that protection, too. The type of stress Nmom's create needs to be avoided; buffered; kept at arms' length. If you feel she's bad juju... then she IS bad juju...
Yes, I agree with your Reiki master. It's the mind-body connection and it's not some new-agey, airy-fairy thing in my experience. It's very, very real. And science is finally starting to catch up with explanations about how the hormones cortisol and adrenaline stress our cells, disrupt our bodily process... and like some perpetual motion machine, also affect the thoughts & feelings that started the malfunction in the first place.
I have an idea - just brainstorming here so if you wanna chuck it in the trash, s'ok with me. You know how they say "third time's the charm"?
I think I've finally figured out how to be married with husband number 3. (Who he is, helps quite a bit!) Well, with baby number 3... MAYBE... just MAYBE... you can try something completely different from mourning your NM. You've already done that twice, with the other 2 pregnancies? OK... so what have you learned so far? About yourself, that is? That you're competent, caring, able to maintain your equilibrium in a happy, cuddly, rollicking family? Sounds like your hubby is also very supportive and a real keeper...
That's a really nice picture, to me. It's something I never had growing up. My kids came closer to that. And being able to create that for yourself and your family is a major life accomplishment. It takes a lot of time, energy and caring. It's a full-time job in itself!
I don't know when you'll find a spare minute to think about that old sourpuss NM, do you?
In some ways, it's the perfect "revenge" - and also happy ending - if you become the mom you wish you had; that you mourn for - and let old sourpuss go the way of people "you used to know". It's kinda amazing how less affected by her crap, you'll be. (oh... you still have to deal with the one in your head - but that's a lot easier!)
:D
KayZee:
Thank you P.R.!
Can't tell you how moved and inspired I am by the idea of 'three's a charm.'
You are absolutely right. The last two times I birthed children, I spent what felt like the whole of my pregnancies worrying that I was going to be a disappointing mom, that I was going to perpetuate NM's bad ju-ju and dysfunction, and that I was going to struggle to raise a family since I didn't have a healthy FOO "blueprint." I think I'm at a place now where I can accept that--although I still have work to do--I am not my NM. Like, not even remotely. And never have been. NM confused the boundaries between us, thought I was her property, thought I was an extension of her. But I've at least come far enough to know the difference. I know, now, what's her baggage and what's mine. I can distinguish her delusions from my reality.
--- Quote ---Let old sourpuss go the way of people "you used to know".
--- End quote ---
I love this! It's certainly time for me. I realize that by constantly hating her, fearing her and even feeling sorry for her, I am still keeping her firmly rooted in the center of my universe (exactly where she wants to be and where she was when I was growing up). And frankly, there's just not room for her there anymore. There's too much else going on.
The idea of having a loving mother is so dead to me. It has been for years. But it's probably time to let go of the all-powerful evil NM too. Sometimes I think I ought to just take a day or a week and mentally say good bye, "put her in the ground" so to speak. My mother is very much alive and "well," but our relationship is so far expired. Even if I don't go fully NC, I think it's time to let go.
Thank you again, P.R. for all your compassion and words of wisdom,
Kay x
Twoapenny:
Hi Kay,
Congratulations! I used to worry terribly about what other people thought about me (I think it's the constant criticism thing from childhood). Something that helped is to have a conversation with myself - what do I think about this? Do I think this is selfish/irresponsible/irrational etc etc. I find if I have a mental argument with myself it helps me to see that what I am doing is good, healthy and normal - in fact I'd go as far as saying if it irritates your mum you can probably bet your life it's because you're doing it well! The broken record technique is very good for avoiding discussion or debate on topics like this, so if anyone starts to badger you about it a stock phrase - something like "Hubby and I are very happy and feel blessed to be given this addition to our family" - just repeated over and over every time someone says anything negative can really help to avoid conflict and unpleasant conversations (that are more about the other person than they are about you, anyway). Also distraction - "I think it's terrible that you are doing this " can be responded to with "Oh, did you see that chicken's on special offer all of next week?" something completely unrelated and not at all connected to 'their' agenda. As PR says, focus on you, what's best for you, your hubby, your kids, your home and so on.
On the subject of being a good mum, I suffered horrible anxieties when my son was little. Now that he's older (10) I can see that he's a good kid - well balanced, well adjusted, confident, assertive - he enjoys life. Nothing like me at that age! So I think as they get older you start to see the fruits of your labour. Have you read any of Alice Miller's stuff about raising children? Very good for getting rid of the 'children are manipulative and deceitful' angle that some people have. It sounds like your mum was raised to think like that and hasn't been able to change her way of thinking as she's got older. You can and you are, so give yourself some credit for it.
Very happy about your good news!! xx
KayZee:
Thank you Twoapenny,
I've read a couple of books by Alice Miller. The Drama of the Gifted Child and, maybe, The Body Never Lies. I might go and check out a few more at the library. Thank you for the suggestion! She has such an amazing way of soothing my soul and giving me an almost, full body, emotional purge.
I find so many echoes of NM's abusive child-rearing in A.M. Particularly in the way she writes about people who believe and parent as though children are "born bad." NM certainly related to me that way. I was like this human garbage can where she could project all her negative emotions and beliefs about herself--stuff she didn't feel strong enough to deal with. I felt her hatred so acutely from such an early age. She was constantly (from the time I was a toddler to a teenager) telling me that "she couldn't stand to look at me," most of the time for reasons that were totally mysterious or unknown. She believed and had me believe I was this shameful Quasimoto.
--- Quote ---if anyone starts to badger you about it a stock phrase - something like "Hubby and I are very happy and feel blessed to be given this addition to our family"
--- End quote ---
. This is amazing advice. And very true. We are happy. I don't know why it's so hard to stop thinking or caring about what other people think. Actually, on second thought...it's probably some old survival mechanism from childhood. My survival in my family once depended on walking on eggshells, not offending or enraging NM, worrying constantly whether I was doing something she'd disapprove of.
Damn, it's so hard to break old patterns! I suppose the first step is recognizing them!
love, Kay x
Twoapenny:
Hi Kay,
It is hard to break those old habits, I think they're as natural as breathing and it does take a long time to change them (and a lot of effort). But every now and again now I find myself saying or doing something and I get very excited because it's not what the old me would have said or done, it's what someone with a healthy view of themselves and a good level of assertion would say or do. Yay!! You're doing great xxx
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version