I love you but I don't like you

[fraidycat]

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I would be rich. Nmom never said she loved me when I was young. She started saying 'I don't like you but I love you' when I was in my late teens. She had such a mocking, sing song way of saying it. I knew it wasn't real but was still happy to hear her finally say that she loved me...even if she didn't like me 

[Hopalong]

I'm sorry, (((((LovelyCat))))

Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

I thought the expression was "I love you but I don't like what you are doing!"

Is anyone confused? I used to love my D, but I didn't like what she was doing; now I don't care., as she is a stranger after 30 years!

It hurt me to deeper than my core when she abandonded me, taking my grandkids forever, but I now have a very hard and cynical heart, which I am sorry to say. It's only about all my relatives. I have some very good friends and acquaintances now!
Iz

[sKePTiKal]

Narcissists don't love anyone.
Love isn't a feeling, although I question if they're even capable of truly affectionate feelings.
Love means sacrificing for the other person and when necessary putting them before you and making a commitment that come hell or high water you will continue to sacrifice and put them before yourself.
Narcissists are the precise opposite of all those things so it's irrelevant what they say. They don't like or love themselves and consequently can't like or love anyone else.

mud

Mud, I was kinda hoping you'd expand on this idea a bit more. On the surface, it seems a bit radical to say "love isn't a feeling"... and I get what you're saying as the followup to that... it makes intellectual sense to me. Love is - more than that.

I guess where I feel there's something a bit "off", is where you suggest love means sacrifice. ?? From where I sit -- it's no sacrifice at all to do things out of love... no sense of hardship, effort, obligation, etc. In fact, linking love to that kind of idea, seems like one step away from building resentment. (At least, based on what I've experienced and know first-hand.) It's a "want-to" not a "have-to".

Maybe I'm reading too much in? Seeing my own trip superimposed on the idea?
I'm hoping you'll try explaining this again.

[gratitude28]

Iz,
Yes, you can love them and not like what they are doing. I am so glad you have found a comfortable spot and the ability to let go. You are a neat person and your daughter is missing out on that.
PR,
I think sacrifice does not mean something bad or negative here. You can sacrifice without unhappiness or resentment. I drive my kids all over, sit in the car and read worn magazines, cook food I don't like, etc. You can call that a sacrifice, but I don't mind it.
Now my NM would not even do these things. If she were to have to do soemthing like that, for some reason (probably because someone called her out on it), she would be irritated and mad. She was a lazy and selfish parent.
We don't have to do things for our kids, but love means doing things we don't choose sometimes and appreciating that what we do is for another person. Does that make sense? I think it's simply your interpretation of the word sacrifice that trips you up
xxoo
Beth

[sKePTiKal]

Possibly. I think I do associate "sacrifice"... with selfishness & resentment. That was a common linkage in my dealings with mom, the permanent victim. I should know there are many other contexts and meanings... but I guess that was the one I "read"/"heard" in mud's post.

Since the "old days", I have learned that there is a kind of "doing for others" that comes from a place of love, generosity, giving... opening a place for others. That's a much, much nicer place! And it can be one-way too without any issues... it doesn't require that the other person acknowledge or appreciate the "gift". There are no scorecards. It's bigger than egos and people; relationships.