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Oversensitive

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gratitude28:
Wow! That's such an interesting idea! The old me would definitely have freaked out even if there were one person who didn't like me. I have found lately that I don't care. I have even found that there are people I don't like. It's ok - to like and not like. xxxxoooo

sKePTiKal:
Beth, it was a shock to me too - when I started meeting and being around people in 3-D in unstructured social situations (which was a NEW experience) - I tended to focus on the people "who didn't like me" - that I felt uncomfortable around - only to find out that this collection of little emotional signals simply meant: I don't like them... or I don't like that comment... or I don't like that behavior. I thought that probably qualified me as a really horrible person. The awful category of "judgemental". I can be judgemental and scathingly mean & sarcastic. But not without provocation; it's not who I am "at rest". I usually give people the benefit of the doubt -- and sometimes at my own expense.

But then, I started remembering all the people I've met recently that I really LIKE... folks I can laugh with, talk about serious topics with, just catch up on what's going on in each other's lives.

You know how people talk about chemistry between romantic couples? I think that's at work, too, with "friends". And because people's lives are moving more quickly, people's interests are so fluid (or distracted by the "latest"), they really are working hard & long hours just to maintain, people are living in circumstances of uncertainty and unsettledness. (IN GENERAL) The relationship between two people kinda needs some predictability of availability... where you can expect to find such & such a person at a specific time, and they're not preoccupied or actually engaged in a task or activity. I think even chemistry has it's cycles... it's ups and downs.

I've noticed that the folks in my neighborhood group who are retired -- have rebuilt jam-packed schedules from morning to evening, at least 5 days a week. While I am the opposite, I actually make a serious effort to avoid having a "schedule" for anything... I start to feel anxiety and pressured if I have too many appointments or "things I have to do" on my calendar. This need for "maximum freedom of obligation" even causes friction between me and my kids -- who are used to "doing things" to relax and recreate. Even with hubs - I have carved out time that is just mine, wide-open, that I can use for whatever (now to figure out what "whatever" is...! lol  ) But we touch base and each state our agendas for the day - and sometimes that's accomplished together; sometimes apart. And then, sometimes, life interrupts those plans... but I have that big, wide unstructured space that means I can be flexible in dealing with life's interruptions and still "take care of me".

Hubs doesn't really understand my need for solitude like this, but he's used to it now. And I "need" it less than I used to and am able to float from reflection and quiet to active social settings easier than I used to. I'm less uncomfortable in social settings... and more open with certain individuals... but I'm still not accepting all "invitations" for one on one interaction, not seeking it myself, and for me -- this isn't unhealthy. Comparing myself to others - I'm a freakin' HERMIT! The big question in gatherings is "what have you been doing? have you been anywhere?" Answer: nothing; nope - I told you we were boring!!   LOL... people don't take that description seriously, until they see me separating myself from large groups, peacefully people watching, not making an effort to engage with others - but not shrinking from them and withdrawing anymore, either. I don't flee anymore.

OOPS - wait! That's a bit hard on myself and a tad unfair and inaccurate - I am making one new friend; my part-time neighbor Patsy. She's a lot of fun, but we can talk about serious stuff too. But it's going SLOWLY. That works for me. And there's a couple people I'm interested in getting to know better -- but the opportunity hasn't yet arrived - their schedule, our schedule, you know??

I kinda see this as a necessary stage in the healing process. I've been able to find my voice (now to refine the details...) online. I still need the free-floating, stream of consciousness, reflective, ruminating space -- but less than I did. I figure time and life itself will eventually move me from this "quiet place"... and if it doesn't that's OK, because I am very, very comfortable here (I missed it!) and have absolutely no illusions about whether everyone else can maintain and have a great time without me being there. I'm not ready to participate at that level... and I'm not going to force it. I used to be a party-girl... I know what I'm missing. And it's not something I "need".

Twoapenny:
Phoenix, I am very much like that, I hate having a day when we're doing back to back appointments and I hate timetabling and things like that.  I'm happy to book up something with a friend but I need to have at least the day before and the day after clear if I do.  I just find that being around people can trigger things for me and that I try to watch myself and not be too much of a people pleaser.  So it takes me a bit of time to prepare and I often find I need a bit of time afterwards to wind down a bit and think things through.  Sometimes a really small comment can bother me for days and it takes me a long time to work it through and decide whether it was something that was intended to be unkind, whether or not it should bother me, whether or not I ought to say something and so on.  I find it can take me ages to figure out what is 'right' for me about certain things and how to handle things that aren't.  Sometimes I get angry over something very small and I find I need to keep away from people a bit after that so that I don't take it out on the wrong person - still misdirect my feelings a lot of the time!  So yes, I too find it easier to be alone a lot, even though I get lonely.  The idea of being around people constantly makes me feel a bit quesy!

JustKathy:
I'm very sensitive about the same things, and have been all my life. I have to think that being unloved as children probably makes us overly sensitive when friends move on.

I first felt this back when I was in my 20s. I had gotten my very first job, fresh out of high school, at a local TV station. I was there for nearly ten years. It was like family, with everyone being great friends and doing things together. I had no friends outside of that job. My best friends were at work, and I never socialized outside of the office. After I quit, I was forgotten. I became another ex-employee, replaced by a new girl, and life went on. I was crushed. It didn't help that my therapist blamed me for not pursuing the friendships, but my feeling was that I would have been hurt more if I essentially forced myself on people who had moved on.

This has happened to me in other areas of life besides work. For example, I had a doctor's office that I went to for many years for my dermatology and skin care. Everyone there knew me on a first-name basis. They treated me like family,  and I felt like I was among friends there. I had told them many times that I would be interested in a job there, but when they finally had an opening, they filled it with a friend of one of the other employees. When I told them how hurt I was that they didn't tell me, they suddenly became very business-like and told me it had been in the paper, and too bad if I didn't see it. At that point I realized that they weren't treating me like a valued friend, they were treating me as a valued patient. I felt like such a sucker, and again kicked myself for being oversensitive.

The only thing that I can guess is that it's an extension of our childhood experiences. Children who are unloved at home tend to cling anything even close to love. In school, it may be crushes on teachers who are kind to us. As adults, it may be bonds with co-workers. And when those people move on, we will feel abandoned. Long story short, I think it's perfectly normal for children of Ns to be this way. I have always been oversensitive, to the extreme. In fact, I have had many people throughout my life tell me to "stop being so sensitive."

I definitely agree with Bones that much of this has to do with not learning how to socialize normally. I had a very difficult time when I entered the workplace, feeling that I didn't belong there with "adults." I was raised to believe that I was a child who was to be seen seen and not heard, so it took many years for me to learn how to interact with adults in the workplace, even those who were the same age. Heck, I still don't think that I'm totally "right" in that department.

BonesMS:

--- Quote from: JustKathy on July 05, 2012, 06:20:25 PM ---I'm very sensitive about the same things, and have been all my life. I have to think that being unloved as children probably makes us overly sensitive when friends move on.

I first felt this back when I was in my 20s. I had gotten my very first job, fresh out of high school, at a local TV station. I was there for nearly ten years. It was like family, with everyone being great friends and doing things together. I had no friends outside of that job. My best friends were at work, and I never socialized outside of the office. After I quit, I was forgotten. I became another ex-employee, replaced by a new girl, and life went on. I was crushed. It didn't help that my therapist blamed me for not pursuing the friendships, but my feeling was that I would have been hurt more if I essentially forced myself on people who had moved on.

This has happened to me in other areas of life besides work. For example, I had a doctor's office that I went to for many years for my dermatology and skin care. Everyone there knew me on a first-name basis. They treated me like family,  and I felt like I was among friends there. I had told them many times that I would be interested in a job there, but when they finally had an opening, they filled it with a friend of one of the other employees. When I told them how hurt I was that they didn't tell me, they suddenly became very business-like and told me it had been in the paper, and too bad if I didn't see it. At that point I realized that they weren't treating me like a valued friend, they were treating me as a valued patient. I felt like such a sucker, and again kicked myself for being oversensitive.

The only thing that I can guess is that it's an extension of our childhood experiences. Children who are unloved at home tend to cling anything even close to love. In school, it may be crushes on teachers who are kind to us. As adults, it may be bonds with co-workers. And when those people move on, we will feel abandoned. Long story short, I think it's perfectly normal for children of Ns to be this way. I have always been oversensitive, to the extreme. In fact, I have had many people throughout my life tell me to "stop being so sensitive."

I definitely agree with Bones that much of this has to do with not learning how to socialize normally. I had a very difficult time when I entered the workplace, feeling that I didn't belong there with "adults." I was raised to believe that I was a child who was to be seen seen and not heard, so it took many years for me to learn how to interact with adults in the workplace, even those who were the same age. Heck, I still don't think that I'm totally "right" in that department.

--- End quote ---

Thanks, Kathy.  I still struggle with this, even at my age.

Bones

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