Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Oversensitive
Meh:
You could ask them why. I know it's sort of weird and they might not tell you the truth but it's an option. Some people don't like directness though and that is sort of direct.
Hum, you are wondering if it's something that you are doing that you are not aware of. So a dramatic difference in these people that you have known for a while. Well, I don't know the reason but I could see how it would be concerning.
I'm okay, sort of wondering to myself why I'm still on the Nar-board,...but I tell myself it's okay and that it takes a long time to figure out. Probably I will be focused on my/and family dysfunction for the rest of my life. Because it's more of like one of those 12 step programs I think-- where the people have to continue to work the process. Except that I'm not working a process I just know I have to do something though. I really wish there was a 12 step program for us. Or at least for me, I should just speak for myself.
Well, I've got my earplugs stuffed into my ears so I don't hear my neighbor's get jiggy with it music 24-7. Night.
SilverLining:
Hi Two.
The experiences you describe are very similar to how things are in my reality. Maybe it isn't a matter of our OVER sensitivity but just having some real sensitivity to things outside ourselves, and the typical craziness of human social life.
Often it seems to me nearly everybody I know is certifiably nuts. I have people call me, ask a couple of formal questions, then launch into a half hour monologue about themselves. What they are really doing is talking to themselves, with me as sort of a foil. I come to wonder, why is this such a fulfilling activity for these people? Why do people get such a kick out of hearing themselves talk? And there is no reciprocity. They can't listen to anybody else for more than a moment.
Of course the prototype for this experience was the FOO. This is the way both of my parents relate to people. They have different styles but the core self absorption is the same with both.
So here's where the sensitivity comes in. I've realized I don't get any enjoyment from yapping at somebody else who isn't listening to me. And I know when people tune out. So when they quit listening I shut up, which is usually not long into a conversation. I'm sensitive to them, but there is little reciprocity, and this sets me up for an unending series of one sided interactions.
So is the problem in us or in them? Maybe we have to be "egotistical" enough to realize the problem isn't our oversensitivity, but a general lack of receptivity in others.
I never cease to be amazed by how people behave in this society. I see people driving, walking, even riding bicycles while staring into a little screen, totally entranced by their own little private reality. Seems to me the world is getting weirder and more narcissistic every day.
gratitude28:
Two - totally normal. I have VERY few dear friends. I am in a new place again and the kids kind of laugh at how lame I am - asode from one girlfriend I lunch with, I really just see other moms at sports and that's it. I don't talk to anyone on the phone. I have a few friends in Florida and one in Virginia and I hope to retire near them. I am getting to a point where I need fewer people in my life. However, I also find I am lonely sometimes. As for dating... I've been out of the marke for years. But I would probably try to meet guys in a library, at the gym, at church or some other such venue. A smile is the best way to meet someone. Still, I would bet that out of 100 guys I see a day, there would only be... maybe... one that would interest me enough to meet outside of the daily routine. So I would not hurry relationships, since I think the real and good ones (love and friendship types) come when you least are looking for them. And cherish the ones that are real, because they are so rare.
xxoo Beth
sKePTiKal:
You asked why it was so easy to be open, engage in a lot of back & forth, give & take online versus in real life....
One thing I've discovered about myself in the last few years, is that I express myself better through writing than by talking to people. HOW ODD, I thought at the time. That must make me really messed up! What I finally understood about this, is that (and I can trace this back to living with insanity in the FOO)...
is that interaction at that level happens very quickly. Emotions can be involved, too. Depending on the situation - several people compared to a large party - I simply don't have a lot of practice processing that much interperson "information" and since I'm inclined to avoid playfulness - and that whole form of self-expression... often, I take words at their face value, too seriously, misunderstand and am easily confused or susceptible to the social "faux pas".
Because of the FOO-experience, I am looking for authenticity; genuine emotion; the masks versus the real people... the content vs. the motivation... and gee! How many times did Dr. Jekyll turn into Mr. Hyde? How many times was I given contradictory rules, within in which to be safe? How many times did I experience that being simply wasn't safe or accepted?? That's TMI - too much information. Instantly - my own predilection to experience the world this way - creates my own awkwardness. I feel out of step... too fast... too slow... it's exhausting. And since therapy, the healing I've done here on the board is such a big, important experience my life (just like FOO was)... it also becomes like a camera lens or filter through which I'm looking at the world... sigh.... MORE INFORMATION.
So, I can indulge my ability to express all this crap in my head online with you all - and you understand. Not everyone has had these kinds of experiences. It's a safe environment, too. If you don't understand you ask questions, challenge ideas, suggest new ones -- all over the space of hours and days - even some threads resurface after months and years. You have time to process my tortured thought processes... twist it around look at it from 3-4 sides... and then respond. It's a slower pace - and it allows ROOM for more genuine, authentic interaction. Discussion boards in particular (versus chat rooms) have proven to be the educational equivalent and extension of the socratic method of in-class graduate school discussions of case studies. They are ideal for students, where English is their second language because of space allowed to process the information and then respond more appropriately, and completely.
Human interaction, face to face, involves body language, emotional subtexts, inside jokes..... so many, many things going on so very quickly. When I'm feeling more secure in my ability to surf life... I let myself practice being in that environment and experience it a little at a time. I do frequently allow myself "time outs"... to drop out of conversations, to sit quietly... to talk to only one person at a time. Some days I feel like surfing life - playing - staying on the surface of relationships and life. That's OK. Somedays I don't enjoy it one bit and don't have the
energy. That's OK too. I don't feel there's anything strange about enjoying solitude or solitary pursuits: reading, art, hobbies... research :)
Starting to ramble.... I just wanted to answer your question about this way of relating to people.
Twoapenny:
Hi Phoenix, yes I get what you're saying there. Quality of interaction is more important than quantity. I've been thinking about the friendships thing a lot and I realised it isn't that I miss the people, it's that being rejected is just so difficult for me to cope with or to just accept as part of normal life moving and changing. Once I realised it was more about that than the practicalities of how often someone phones me it seemed easier to cope with. I am lucky to have some good friends, and I've realised the time has come to take a deep breath and start trying to develop some new friendships with the people I see regularly at various activities during the week. I think I avoid doing it in case they reject me. I still have a sense that I'm not good enough and no-one would want to spend time with me so in my head if someone stops calling I assume it's because I'm so awful. That's in my head so I need to work on that.
Salsa, I did think about asking them why but I'm very afraid they might tell me what I dread hearing - that I'm whiney/boring/full of it etc etc. It scares me but maybe I should bite the bullet and try it at some point, if only to give myself a bit of a pat on the back for having a go!
Beth, you are right, I have some really good friends that I don't spend as much time with as I would like and I should focus on them more rather than worrying about the ones who aren't interested! My T did this exercise with me once and it was so revealing; she said imagine going in to a party where there are ten other guests. Three of them decide they don't like you. How do you feel? The point of it, obviously, was all about other people's feelings towards me being so important and me identifying myself through the eyes of others. At that point I was mortified that three didn't like me, it really shocked me how terrifying I found that. She kept saying "but 7 people thought you were nice" and those 7 didn't matter to me at all, it was the 3 that I displeased that were the problem! So I guess there are elements of that that I still need to work on!
Hey Silver, good to see you! I wonder if technology is making people more self absorbed, it's so easy now to cut yourself off from the world. I'm like you, I don't want someone to have to endure me for half an hour before they can escape so it's always a bit odd when other people don't seem to see how they come across! It takes all sorts, I suppose. But you're right, everyone else is nuts ;)
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