help me please

[ohara]

help me please.   I have a boss who is denigrading me to the level of an insect.  He calls me inept and incompetent.  I can't stand it anymore.  please help me.  i need my job.

[/list:u]

[flowers12]

Ohara,

I'm afraid I don't have much help, at least not in the way of advice, to offer.  I just didn't want you to think people didn't care.  I made my first post a couple of days ago, and I was terrified that no one would respond.  So, I just wanted to say hi and that I was thinking of you and your situation.

You said you need your job, so my advice of covering your ears and running for your life may not be useful.

I think this situation depends a lot on you and your upbringing.  If you were brought up in a loving functional home, your parents may have given you the wonderful gift of selfworth.  If this is the case you may be able to depersonalize it and tell yourself this has nothing to do with me, this is just how this person is.  My husband has a boss who rants, raves, and constantly belittles him.  Some days he comes home and tells me how his boss drove him crazy today, but mostly he just laughs and mutters "idiot" under his breath.  I personally would have told him off and quit the first time he undeservingly belittled me.  I obviously have not yet attained the coping skills needed to deal with such people.  Maybe others will be more help.  Good Luck.

-Flowers12

[gardener]

Hello ohara,


 I once worked in a similar environment, a long time ago. There was no help for me at the time and I felt I needed to stay for the monetary side of things.
I was also bullied at school for a number of years by a particular group, so I do know how it feels.
In recovering from these memories I have found a site which might be of help to you too.

http://www.bullyonline.org/

It goes into workplace bullying and the effects on the target of such behaviour. I know it doesn't take the pressure off, but may help you to understand that you aren't deserving of this treatment and start to build some boundaries.
Don't feel alone, take a look and start building yourself up.

[bludie]

I agree with Gardener. Taking back your power and building some boundaries would take time but can be well worth it. Earlier in my career, I left jobs if it 'got too hot in the kitchen' but have found that burning bridges and/or running away isn't the answer.

If you chose to stay, there's a different way of looking at this: it's an opportunity to learn and grow. It's really not about your boss. It's about you. He/she is your teacher, in some capacity, and you can work through your life lessons or not. Not internalizing the ill-begotten behavior of others (especially Ns) will likely be a lifelong process for me. But my hope is to get better and healthier with each instance of not taking on someone else's crap. Sounds good but hard to do, eh?

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

help me please.   I have a boss who is denigrading me to the level of an insect.  He calls me inept and incompetent.  I can't stand it anymore.  please help me.  i need my job.

[/list:u]

My boss goes off on me too. He is extremely moody and irritable. Also immature and an N. I also need my job and I have found ways to deal with this individual:

(1) Ignore most of his acting out.
(2) Am in therapy & medication.
(3) Stand up to him firmly when he's really out of line.
(4) Laugh at him behind his back.


If your boss is calling you "incompetent" and "inept" you may have grounds for a grievance. Is there a union where you work? Is there an employee manual? It is possible that he can be "guided" to behaving better by a complaint or two. My boss would definitely avoid crossing certain lines, no matter how bratty he is, because of the workplace rules. And he is totally superior to me in hierarchy; I have zero authority and he is a VIP.

bunny

[bludie]

Sorry to hear you have that kind of boss, bunny. It reminds me of a boss I had 15 years ago that would drop a large tax code volume on the floor right behind me (unaware). He did this several times when he was mad/upset or wanted my attention. I actually jumped right out of my seat the first time it happened. I internalized a lot of his behavior until one day -- when I had enough, thank you -- I stormed out of the office muttering to myself and didn't return for the remainder of the day. I didn't take care of myself in that situation and, consequently, let it build up until my behavior rivaled his. Argh! Here it is, years later, and I look back thinking there was much more I could have done to fortify myself without reacting to his machinations.

At any rate, if there is an Employee Assistance Program in the workplace that can be a safe haven and means of support, too.