Hi,
I totally relate to this. I get so nervous /panicked when in larger groups that it’s taken me years to even pluck up the courage to have input on this board. (I have an ungrounded fear that if no one responded or acknowledged my presence, I would become Voiceless on the Voicelessness board, which would be too much to bear, and what if voicing this fear was then seen as manipulative? Why is it always so complicated?) Anyway...breathe...here goes...
Socialising, work meetings, anything I’m compelled to attend terrifies me. Although I continually force myself to participate, hoping repetition might eventually conquer the fear, it never does. Always get overwhelmed and flee to my comfort zone within a short time.
I’m thinking a lot of it relates to being under the N microscope. (N Father, Borderline Mother). The sense that they were always watching me, ensuring I was “performing” in a manner that reflected well on them, behaving like the perfect robot child, watching for behaviours and social skills that could be discussed and criticised later. They were fond of stopping a group conversation to shine the spotlight on me, wherever I was hiding, forcing me to make speeches about myself, my latest achievements, experiences, whatever. Being a shy, nervous child I would be horrified... trapped and speechless. Why would anyone be interested in me? Inevitably the spotlight would simply highlight my inadequacies, humiliating me and of course, shaming them.
Much of it is still that ridiculously uncomfortable sense of people watching me, noticing how I interact or perform, ready to judge and ridicule. If I’m not totally immersed in obvious stimulating conversation with someone, “they” will see me for the socially phobic, defective misfit I really am and reject me. So I panic if I’m not interacting, but find it difficult to interact because I’m already in Social Gathering Panic Mode, and that self perpetuating anxiety eventually pushes me to bolt for the safety of my own space. I know it’s unrealistic, no one is interested in spending social events watching every move I make, but after a life time of trying, I still can’t shake off that irrational fear, even if I’m not feeling ill at ease to begin with, it just jumps up and grabs me by the throat.
I get it Phoenix, the whole hyper vigilance thing, the hard drive crashing, the waves of cortisol, the total exhaustion, feeling like an alien unfit for human connection so why am I putting myself through this? Walking away feeling that now even more people than before have seen the hidden Problem Tattoo and are repelled.
Over thinking ordinary existence... I think you’re on to something there. Thanks so much for sharing your insights on this one. It compelled me to finally write, which is a huge step forward for me.
And a big thank you to everyone here, I hope you all know how much of a positive impact your input on this board is having on shy long- time lurkers like me.
Echo