Don't know what to call this

[sKePTiKal]

Keep Your Head Where Your Feet Are,
Stay Out Of Other People's Heads,
Today I Will Be As Happy As A Bird With A French Fry......

Yep... Sqwauck! 

It's really nice when I don't have to be in my head, either. Playing in dirt facilitates that.

[Echo]

Hi,

I totally relate to this.  I get so nervous /panicked when in larger groups that it’s taken me years to even pluck up the courage to have input on this board. (I have an ungrounded fear that if no one responded or acknowledged my presence, I would become Voiceless on the Voicelessness board, which would be too much to bear, and what if voicing this fear was then seen as manipulative? Why is it always so complicated?)  Anyway...breathe...here goes...

Socialising, work meetings, anything I’m compelled to attend terrifies me.  Although I continually force myself to participate, hoping repetition might eventually conquer the fear, it never does. Always get overwhelmed and flee to my comfort zone within a short time.

 I’m thinking a lot of it relates to being under the N microscope. (N Father, Borderline Mother).  The sense that they were always watching me, ensuring I was “performing” in a manner that reflected well on them, behaving like the perfect robot child, watching for behaviours and social skills that could be discussed and criticised later. They were fond of stopping a group conversation to shine the spotlight on me, wherever I was hiding, forcing me to make speeches about myself, my latest achievements, experiences, whatever. Being a shy, nervous child I would be horrified... trapped and speechless.  Why would anyone be interested in me?  Inevitably the spotlight would simply highlight my inadequacies, humiliating me and of course, shaming them.

 Much of it is still that ridiculously uncomfortable sense of people watching me, noticing how I interact or perform, ready to judge and ridicule. If I’m not totally immersed in obvious stimulating conversation with someone, “they” will see me for the socially phobic, defective misfit I really am and reject me.  So I panic if I’m not interacting, but find it difficult to interact because I’m already in Social Gathering Panic Mode, and  that self perpetuating  anxiety eventually pushes me to bolt for the safety of my own space.  I know it’s unrealistic, no one is interested in spending social events watching every move I make, but after a life time of trying, I still can’t shake off that irrational fear, even if I’m not feeling ill at ease to begin with, it just jumps up and grabs me by the throat.

I get it Phoenix, the whole hyper vigilance thing, the hard drive crashing, the waves of cortisol, the total exhaustion, feeling like an alien unfit for human connection so why am I putting myself through this? Walking away feeling that now even more people than before have seen the hidden Problem Tattoo and are repelled.   

Over thinking ordinary existence... I think you’re on to something there.  Thanks so much for sharing your insights on this one.  It compelled me to finally write, which is a huge step forward for me.

And a big thank you to everyone here, I hope you all know how much of a positive impact your input on this board is having on shy long- time lurkers like me.

Echo

[sKePTiKal]

Well, Hello Echo! Nice to meet you.

Glad you were able to write... I guess I've been "afflicted" with this, all my life. Being 50+, the frustration with being this way built way up for me -- and yes, the reasons are complicated, the process so convoluted -- and even after therapy, after recognizing with crystal clear vision... that when I had my work hat on - I was just fine and did fine... and it was the personal, social - just hanging out - kind of interactions that bothered me the most...

and even a couple nights ago* -- I still deal with this...

it is possible to get to the point, where it's not such a life/death intensity anymore. [OK, that was a tortured sentence! LOL...]

*So intensity is a lot of it, for me. Our club took a 4 hour boat trip Thursday evening to watch thousands and thousands of purple martins roost for the night on a bridge over the sound. 4 hours, trapped on a big - but still not that big - boat with 40 people. Sounds like 4 hours of torture, huh? But, I have been actively working on this issue and making headway. Couple things I noticed:

Waiting to board the boat - lots & lots of small groups of people chatting with each other. People said hi to hubs and me -- but we don't know people well enough to chat; we don't get together with people outside of the club. We were fine just waiting... and it gave me a chance to people-watch. What I noticed, were a lot of nervous gestures - people fumbling and dropping things... lots of twisting of bracelets... adjusting clothes... and the talkers: they were talking to make themselves comfortable in the situation. It wasn't so much catching up, or conversations with any substance or even shared in common experiences -- they were nervous talkers. If I tried to do that - it would just feel "wrong"; forced and artificial... a person playing a part/a role... and not me being me.

So I hung back a little. Gave myself some space... and let myself slowly interact, one person at a time. Let myself maintain my head-space and thoughts... to even drift and not pay attention. This works for me. At one point, I noticed that other people were doing exactly the same thing. It was on the ride back to the marina - that some magic line had been crossed; we'd been together long enough... as a group... that people opened up a little more, were a little more "just themselves" having a good time. I know from group dynamics that this is a pretty common phenomenon. And it's a "good" outcome.

So, it would seem that my reluctance to insert myself gregariously into groups isn't all that "weird"... or even a problem. Other people do it too... and some of them do that by mindlessly talking away - so it only APPEARS to me that I'm on the "outside looking in". In reality, some of those talkers are, too. That frees me up to stop beating myself up about being quieter... to be watching more than being active... and to be comfortable within my own skin.

I sure don't need to criticize and shame myself, for not just babbling along with the rest of the people talking about nothing... altho' I can do this -- after I let myself relax into the situation first.

(I don't seem to have the same problem of reticence, writing online - huh??? LOL.....)

Feel free to share some examples about this, from your experience Echo.

[Hopalong]

Hi Echo,
Glad you're here.

You must have felt so UNSAFE, as a kid. Knowing that regardless of your feelings, and your natural shyness, and your need for slow or gentler adult attention, you'd be yanked forward and embarrassed like that... no wonder groups of humans trigger party-prop memories!

I wonder if something like a mantra to yourself: something simple that feels true and rational, could help. I am a gregarious bigmouth with ADD, so my problem is not NOT talking, it's sometimes the opposite. What has helped me in some stressful gatherings is a tiny note to myself, literally written at the base of my thumb on my hand. I decided to try it after reading about how much visual cues can help people. (In my case, it was "n.b." for No Blurting.) I was pretty amazed when during that stressful gathering, all I had to do was glance at my hand, and like my own little private friendly non-judgmental therapeutic pat on the back (iow, it's okay for me to practice a new behavior without getting tangled up in simultaneously feeling shame for the old one)...and I could instantly feel a sense of calm, control, and my fear (of my own blurts) receding.

If a visual cue might help you, even though it's sort of an opposite personality in the situation, I wonder if you could think up a short phrase that really feels/is true to you, in your healthiest thinking, and use the shorthand for that? Examples I think of:
--nfc (not a frightened child)
--s2bh (safe to be here)
--gaia (good as I am)

Etc. Some kind of adult, KIND reminder to yourself that is present-moment rooted. You might glance down at that tiny note to yourself when you need to, and remind yourself, this is what you believe NOW.

Anyway, bit rambly, but hope it helps (and no worries at all if it doesn't--there's no obligation here whatsoever to agree with advice, appreciate advice, or follow advice!)

hugs
Hops

[Echo]

Hello again,

Thanks so much Phoenix and Hopalong for your warm welcome and kind words. It felt... different... to be noticed and heard, different and really, really nice.

I thought it interesting how you managed the boat trip Phoenix, although watching the purple martins must have been spectacular and well worth the discomfort?  I'll give it a try next time...being more observant rather than worrying about being observed, although it's a bit of a head spinner I guess I really need to work on convincing myself that it's OK to hang back and not interact until I feel safer to do so, rather panicking because not interacting singles me out as an oddball loner...which I kind of am...but I'm uncomfortable with anyone else noticing!

Work do's tend to be the worst for me.  We had a seminar at one stage covering Personality Types in the workforce. After various self examination exercises, staff were asked to separate into two groups, extroverts and introverts. As an introvert I was in a very obvious minority, probably around a 10:1 ratio extroverts to introverts, so there's very few socially challenged individuals in this large group of 30 to 60 staff and I do find myself getting overwhelmed and feeling like an outsider at the many social gatherings and meetings I'm obliged to attend. And if I do manage to interact I can get tongue tied when the brain to mouth link goes offline, although I know that's just a nervous reaction, I still find it difficult to control when I'm feeling vulnerable.

I like the idea of cues and mantras Hopalong, Although it's not easy to believe "as good as I am" but I get what you mean.  Feeling safe is a big one and probably one to work on. Or maybe "just because I feel like an alien doesn't mean I look like one" could be another.

Thanks again for your responses and suggestions, and sorry Phoenix, I didn’t mean to hijack your thread to introduce myself, (although I’m glad I finally did), your subject just struck a chord.

Echo

[sKePTiKal]

You're welcome Echo - and you're not hijacking! We're talking about the same thing... discussing... sharing... exploring "what it is" and maybe figuring out how to not let this limit our lives. (Ya gotta watch out for my tendency to blab on & on, online though... I feel way free-er to bubble over my boundaries here than I do in person. So I'm formally giving you permission to do the same, when you've got something to say. Don 't let me steamroll YOU, in the process and I'll try to rein myself in.)

Something that helped me "come out of my shell" was to realize (and yeah, it had to be pointed out to me) that most people are so self-involved that unless you're actively making an ass out of yourself... they're not examining you with a microscope. You're not topic #1 at all.

But that FEELING - that every single twitch of your nose, strand of hair, how your clothes hang, your posture - is under minute examination and judgement (which just shrinks our real spirit, our self down to be as invisible as possible inside) that feeling has been programmed into us - our brains - and is now a mental habit. I feel it every single time I'm in a social situation. And even though it seems contrary, that practice of letting myself "regroup" myself in that situation before venturing out into conversations with other people, helps me banish that feeling. It seems a little backwards, to be reassured through observation, that no one is paying attention to me at all - hahaha! But it definitely works!

Another thing that helps, is to have something to do. Even though it's simultaneously one of those things I can be really overly self-conscious about. I can focus on the doing - and less on how I feel - and simply interact with others.

This is one of those long-term "effects" of Nparents, I think... it's like a fossil frozen into our experiential memory... and because it was so painful and traumatic for us in the past -- we keep expecting the same thing to happen in the present and future. That memory doesn't take into consideration, that

a) the people are completely different people than those associated with the memory
b) the roles are totally different (we're not in a parent-child role relationship with everyone*)
c) the best thing about life, is that each moment, something completely new can - and does - happen, if we allow it. And a lot of those new things are delightful, happy "discoveries".


* I just tripped over this idea: part of the reason I feel out of step in some situations, is that I'm feeling - perhaps have that need for reassurance - I'm feeling in the child role, when experiencing other situations. Right there - I'm not seeing myself on an equal adult footing with others. So through repetition I'm actively reinforcing the fossil in my brain/feelings. Thank goodness mantras and affirmations and reminders are the simple antidote to that!!

[sKePTiKal]

My need, my way, my perception is no more important than that of others (like that of drama queens).  I want to learn from the experiences of others as well as my own. 

Absolutely, tt -- I know this is one major reason I drift through the posts here almost every day. I actually "learn" to see my needa, way of being me & perception more accurately, when it's in the context of how others see and understand themselves. The valuable lessons - of where my self-vision is distorted, perhaps even totally incorrect -- have completely helped me along my path and made it possible to step right over what used to be taboos, self-limitations based on those old-FOO-legacy "rules", for me.

Now, if I can just figure out how to talk - express some of those flashes of insight or learn the language of emotions well enough - so that I'm not tripping all over myself with self-censorship, caution, fear of people reacting in horror at me, and the old "protecting others from the monster that is myself" programming I have... without 40,000 words to do so!!

Get some sleep - I'm gonna have more active, than intellectual day today - I'm between company and we're back to house projects again and plain old housework.