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Hopalong:
Just giving myself 10 minutes to spew about this, then off for a healing walk.

the Young Man at Work Who Hates My Guts--I'll call him Production Man (in a nutshell, he is doing a primal almost sibling kind of jealousy because of my daily contact with the boss, whom he worships, and without knowing me, without ever working closely with me, without in fact making EYE CONTACT with me, he decided when I arrived 6 years ago that I was a threat ("Daddy loves him best") and has never, ever, stopped devaluing, attacking, and --irrationally, and obviously to everyone else who works there including Boss-- wishing me harm. He tried to persuade boss to fire me. I kept doing excellent work and the company kept growing (we're now in our 3rd year on the Inc. 500/5000 list--made over 5mil last year)...etc.

Boss hates women but depends on me a great deal for key funcitons. On a daily basis, it works. Now and then it devolves. The mysogyny vibes rise and flame and flare. I just completed a massive assignment for which the boss wrote me privately: This is a GREAT job. So much strategy depends on this. Thank you, thank you. Publically (in meetings)? Boss says, "It's pretty good." Etc. So...the guru games go on.

The 2 new other young men I work with (one I trust, the other I like but don't trust since he has position-self-to-advantage-FIRST and steal-credit-when-possible instincts) -- anyway, they have seen it all and validate it all. So, that's healing.

But this week it roared up again. Production man (intensely close relationship with Boss which everyone speculates about--passionate hugs in front of staff when they haven't seen each other for 2 days...and Boss' general obsessive interest in and inappropriate remarks about all the young men's bodies, strength, muscularity, etc.--everyone assumes he's something on the spectrum that he has repressed, and it's key to his ongoing enabling of Production Man). He actually said to me (in private) the other day after Production Man had been particularly insanely and relentlessly toxic (about me): "I think he wants my job." It's like the young lion threatening the old lion, or something.

I get in the crosshairs of Production Man whenever I publicize my work when the other senior staff need to review it for accuracy. The others all respond positively and with a concise list of suggestions or corrections. Very helpful. The Young Man tries to tear it all to shreds and make me appear stupid, incompetent, or whatever. But he's not bright enough to do it effectively, so he just looks like (and is) a bully.

But it is still, though I have much more distance on it than I used to, VERY exhausting to be hated so relentlessly. After a long meeting, I felt so bruised I had to take a walk and cry (don't do that often). Then Boss pulls me in and wants to analyse, almost with delight, how Production Man behaved. "Did you see how he was squirming? I asked him those questions and he couldn't even make sense."

I feel as though Boss toys with us, almost ENJOYS the dynamic of the "two kids fighting." Then Boss wants to spill his psyche in my lap and have me fix it up by soothing him, because I'm "the most forgiving person he's ever known."

Grrrr. I get tired of forgiving. And sick to death of having boots on my head because of the toxic crap. I wish the two of them would just get a room, and play it all out. Maybe then some of the tension (which affects everyone, not just me) would be relieved.

Okay, off for walkies. Thanks for listening.

xo
Hops

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---I feel as though Boss toys with us, almost ENJOYS the dynamic of the "two kids fighting." Then Boss wants to spill his psyche in my lap and have me fix it up by soothing him, because I'm "the most forgiving person he's ever known."

Grrrr. I get tired of forgiving. And sick to death of having boots on my head because of the toxic crap. I wish the two of them would just get a room, and play it all out. Maybe then some of the tension (which affects everyone, not just me) would be relieved.
--- End quote ---

YUCK.
Don't which part of this creeps me out the most; but I certainly understand why you need to physically get away for a bit.

Hang in there.

Redhead Erin:
OMG---Where on earth do you work????

Do toxic fumes actually emanate from the building?  If someone takes a picture, can you see little stink-lines coming off the bricks?

In 23 years as a stripper, I have never seen anything that bad. 

I have to admit, I work with some skanky, psychotic, drug-addicted, crackhead, coked-up bitches.  They will get in cat fights over a customer. They will steal from each other, for fun and profit. They will hide each others things for spite. They will back-stab, interfere with sales, and even outright lie about each other. They will tell you lies about yourself TO YOUR FACE.

But I have NEVER seen anything like that.

lighter:
Good Lord, Hops.

I thought the boss was bad: /

I don't know how you manage to stay so level at work....

I guess it comes and goes. 

SO not fair, and what do you think the boss would do if you (hypothetically of course) gave him an ultimatum, either reign in the pitbull, or arrange a NO CONTACT situation between you and the pitbull..... that of thing?

Seems like he'd pick the pitbull if he's physically attracted to the guy, I guess, even to the detriment of the company.



That is an overtly frustrating position for you to be in YET AGAIN Hops.  Like your FOO wasn't enough, here you are again, enduring, and stuffing feelings for your livlihood.  It's so not fair, and I don't understand if these kinds of situations keep happening to us bc we have something that needs to be worked out, or bc the situations need to work something out that requires people like us.

Again, I'm so sorry you're in this situation, ((((Hops.))))

You certainly deserve better treatment, though I'm not how one would advocate for it in your situation.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Lighter said:


--- Quote ---It's so not fair, and I don't understand if these kinds of situations keep happening to us bc we have something that needs to be worked out, or bc the situations need to work something out that requires people like us.
--- End quote ---

OR.... there's another option lurking in that, Lighter... I think. Maybe. Every once in a while, I find it... and it's good to try it on for size -- just coz it's something different. Anyway... there was such profundity in your comment the energy immediately got my brain-lightbulb working again.

I was in an Nboss situation like Hops. Now that I'm not -- I can look back and see that as long as I let myself notice all the ways Nboss was like my FOO, or even just clueless, unself-aware, and crudely N... it kept the old neuro-patterns firing along the same outrage, hopeless/helpless, futility tracks. I kept reliving my own coping strategies... living in that same "as defined by N" world. I had to confront that a lot UNTIL I started to see that there were more than 2 options... stay/leave; and I had to learn to believe in my own power and ability to implement whichever choice I ultimately wanted (oh yeah, took me a few years to decide what I really wanted). For me, that other option was finally accepting as fact... that Nboss was different than my mom; I was in a totally different position; I had way more tools for protecting myself; and in the end... Nboss wasn't in control of me, my decisions (on/off the job), and I'd be damned if I let him control how I felt... even if his behavior really DID qualify as the most idiotic, abrasive, demeaning, and Nish on the planet some days. Other days, it was like someone forgot to turn on his "sentient being" switch - the lights were on, no one was home. He was just going through the motions. He was predictably unpredictable as to which one he was that particular day.

The point is, I was letting him -- manipulate my feelings... poke/prod me into being upset, and trapped, and cornered -- and spitting angry and helpless all at once. Because it so offended me and my delicate sensibilities that there are even people like this on the planet. <That right there, is sarcasm.> There are WORSE people than Nboss; but it was this constant conflict between my personal values and his (lack of them??) that generated the emotions I went through; that conflict pinged LOUDLY off the gong that was my conflict with Nmom. It still happened, but not as much, after I saw that he was just another pathetic, grasping, controlling man with some sort of perpetual insecurity or shame that he felt he could hide by being an asshole. And that he was this way -- because he had no real power; he didn't know (despite my attempts to tell him - LOL....) how badly he treated others nor that there were any other ways of being. He was never accountable... so never "owned" anything -- good, bad, or indifferent. Meanwhile, I knew that at different times in my life - I'd have what some might call a fantasy; my hubs calls them dreams; Ts call them goals - and I knew I could change that dream into a reality. Hard work, research, more hard work... determination... asking for help when I needed it... one foot after the other & years later: old dream transforms into present reality. People like my Nboss??

They don't know how this happens -- nor why. Yet it's the most basic human "superpower" on the planet, I think.

Hopsy, I know there are just days when you need to whack the ole fart with whatever large object is at hand. And you won't let yourself act this way... so you gotta blow off steam. And then it's back to work again. We used to do this, too. Walking all over campus... or when we really needed privacy, there was always the server room... with the mechanical noise of boosted a/c and all those servers... you could hear raised voices, but couldn't decipher what was being said... outside.

I know I've been a nag about finding other jobs. But I'm changing my tune right now. You need to get your new house right -- and get moved in. And you need some sort talisman... to keep the Nboss energy out of your house... and remind you to leave it at work, where it belongs. The new house will be a sanctuary and refuge from all that crap. I hope this for you, anyway!

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