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The worst thing anybody ever said to me (the eating disorder that will not die)

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Redhead Erin:
First some good news: Although I didn't register any loss in pounds, I did lose 5 inches in various measurements around my body and 1 1/2 % body fat, while gaining 3 lbs of lean muscle from when I started with this training program 2 weeks ago. So If I had just lost fat, I would have shown about a 3 lb loss.  Pretty good, I think. Being able to measure body fat and lean body mass helps me visualize what is happening inside my body, rather than just relying on the scale for information and validation. 

Hops:

Think Harper Valley PTA.

I too have often wondered why the "other woman" gets blamed when a man can't keep his pants on.  Are men really that stupid that they cannot be held accountable for their actions?  Can you imagine what would happen if a man renigged on a car note? "I couldn't help it, Mr. Collections Agent.  See, this little Ferrari started coming around and I just had to have it, and I gave all my car payment money to the Ferrari dealer.  It was the Ferrari's fault.  If my sedan didn't want me to cheat on it, it should have tried to be more like the Ferrari and then I would still be paying the sedan note. Can't we start over?" :roll:

I know there are a lot of armchair theories about why women get into the sex/entertainment biz, and most of them are wrong.  Many of us come to it through desperation or lack of better prospects, but that is the same for any job that requires more native intelligence and street smarts than credentials  and formal education. Nobody sits around saying that coal  miners or commercial fishermen or waitresses or slaughterhouse workers do their dead end jobs because they were abused or coming from a place of hurt or pain.  They needed a job and the one they have pays the bills.  Every business makes its money on the backs of its labor force.  The difference with sex/entertainment workers is America's puritanical view of these women and men, so that no laws are ever passed to protect them.  Therefore it is easier for management to exploit them.  I have heard it said that a high percentage of women in the business have been abused.  I think a high percentage of women in general have been abused.  If the number is higher in my business, I would argue that we as a group are more desensitized to sexual situations and therefore have more ability to cope with the artificial intimacy in the club. (For example, I have absolutely no issues about being seen nude and never have, since before I was of legal age, being seen nude was the least of the things that had happened to me.)

I'm not sure if I want to go to any kind of special women's group, since I probably would not fit in there, anyway.  From what I see of these women, they really are actually nice people.   I am getting to know them around the common cause of supporting our kids and I like that.  My big fear is that I will turn out to be totally unacceptable to them, that they will be nice to my face but talk behind my back, suspect me of all kinds of horrible stuff, not because of my work (they don't know) but just because I'm me, especially if I am attractive.  I have seen a lot of women act that way, in many social settings (including the leaders of the cub-scout pack) and I h ave a gut feeling that I would make a nice target.  I am terrified of being talked about. One of the worst things I can imagine is having people be nice to your face and then talk about you behind your back.

I am in a weird place where I pretty much like myself most of the time, but I am more afraid other women will judge me on my appearance or just not "get" me and form unfairly poor opinions of me.  My real porblem here, I think, is a deep suspician that women are just like that, that it is carried in the chromosomes or something, and that there is no escape.  The more I move toward my goal, the more I also move into the crosshairs of female rancor.

Twoapenny--
I missed this the first time, but you are right, I believe i do  have an ingrained sense of "dieting is miserable and you won't get what you want out of it, so why bother?" It could very well be a body memory, although I had never thought about that before.  I do carry all my excess weight on my front, like a shield, and it has been there for as long as I can remember.  I think it is supposed to be there to protect me.  As I build muscle, I hope I can let the fat go.  I can protect myself now; I dont need a fatty blanket to do it for me.

Phoenix--

I completely relate about your toxic ball of  yarn--its so jumbled up, isn't it?  I feel like I have one of those skeins where the yarn is colored several different colors on the same string, so it changes as you go along.  See, here I started talking about my weight, and now its about my mother, and no its about my relationships with women.  One thing just keeps leading to another.
 

 I know how it feels to feel beautiful.. I get there once in a while.  I enjoy it for like 2 days, then I am off on a binge again.  I just cannot seem to maintain it. 

Oh, so sleepy.  I have to go to bed soon.

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Erin.

Keep talking about this - however it comes out and whichever part of it is "today's focus". They are all connected anyway, I think. And thanks for answering my question! I'm glad to know that you do feel beautiful, sometimes. (It's probably an attention thing - you know: work, kids, the phone rings... and it's of no major "therapeutic" importance... just my curiosity and trying to understand your ball of yarn.)

I guess I'm in thinking mode today - more than talking mode. Be back later...

(((((Erin))))))

Redhead Erin:
Its a funny thing, but when I do start to feel good about myself, I immediately start to sabotage and berate myself.  Occasionally the voices in my head speak clearly enough to be understood, and I actually do hear phrases that tell me a lot about myself.  The best one is that I need to be "taken down a notch," followed by a littany of all my body issues.  Like, I iwll look in the mirror and think, hey, I'm actaully kinda pretty.  Then I hear clearly in my head, "You need to be taken down a notch."  Following that, I will start to remember all the things I believe are wrong with me:  I look ok when I am not smiling but my smile is forced and goofy; my dental work shows; my abs and waist re not what they should be; my spider veins are getting worse. And so on.

Once I was feeling particularly vile toward myself, and the voices said, "I need to be punished.  I need to d this to myself." 

I also tell myself a lot of crap about how I don't deserve to eat or don't deserve to have the food I need to stick to my diet.  The other day I nearly had a brekdown because I wanted to go to the gym and Ted had suggested going out to eat.  I felt so selfish for wanting time for myself.  I kept saying I dont deserve to take time for myself and it was selfish of me not to be home doing then for him and Connal and being "in my place" as a wife. 

Speaking of which, I need to do some dishes.  Good night, all.

Twoapenny:
Hi Erin,

Again, I've only skimmed through quickly (hectic times at home at the minute), but first off, I'd guess that if you're working as a dancer and a model you're probably already looking pretty amazing!  I think what I was trying to get at was how to side step that sort of self sabotage.  I've done it all my life - I don't turn up for exams that I could easily pass, I 'left' my dissertation on the train, I meet a great guy and get depressed (unsuprisingly most guys don't want to do date number three at in a psych ward so that ends that), I've set up businesses that I've just abandoned, had great friends that I've not kept in touch with etc etc - and I'm pretty sure now all of that is down to those messages that you talk about - you're only good if you do this and even that isn't enough (incidentally, my mum has the same bat shit crazy ideas about how women interact with other women.  Messed up women act that way, healthy ones don't).  I also had this real need for perfection - if I couldn't do something amazingly then there was no point bothering.  I've always loved to sing, but never took lessons because my voice isn't good enough to be some interntational superstar.  The idea of just singing because I like it and just improving an average voice was completely unpalatable to me.  What I've found helped is breaking things down into little pieces and focusing on one small thing at a time, and that's kind of what I meant by focusing on active goals - and goals were you attain something - rather than numbers (weight and measurements) - and goals where you have to lose part of yourself because you don't think it's an acceptable part of you.  Does that make any sense?  (I always find it hard to know if what I'm trying to say actually makes sense to someone else!).

So in your head, the focus is on say swimming a mile a day (just an example).  A by product of that would be weight loss, muscle tone etc but you're focusing on gaining something (strength, skill, stamina) because you want to and you're good at it, rather than losing something (pounds or inches) that your mum always told you was unacceptable.  Plus you may make new friends based on your interests (sport), you have something to chat to your new mum friends about (one of them might appreciate some help with getting fit, it's the kind of thing that can be easier if you work with someone) and it just gradually becomes more about you achieving things rather than those old messages in your head about what's acceptable to your mum (nothing, because then she has nothing to bitch about).  I just found that I needed to change how I thought about things in order to change those old records.  Something else I noticed was that focusing on other problems - wieght, money, boyfriends whatever - stopped me focusing on what had hurt me and made me feel so wretched for so much of my life.  But I've chipped away at it a tiny bit at a time - there's still more there!

Anyway, hope that might be a bit of a clearer explanation of what I was getting at - not that it shouldn't be about wanting to look good/feel good etc but getting where you want to be in a way that doesn't involve your mum and those old records she plays round and round in your head (I still have them!  To this day every time I see someone, hear something, experience something my first thought in my mind - no word of a lie - is my mum's voice and exactly what she'd say in that situation.  She did that good a job.  I have to say, quietly, in my mind "Shut the f**k up and get out of my head space".  And then decide what I think.  She must go!!  Lol). xx

Redhead Erin:
I thought I'd made progress by changing my goal from weight (maybe impossible) to measurements (Do-able and more indicative of what I really want, which is to produce a certain kind of image in photographs) I dont know that there is anything I want to actually do; at least nothing I need to strive for.  I already am physically able to do most anything I want.  I would like to take up figure skating or maybe get good enough at hockey to join a beer league; and I would like to have the time and money to go back to pole dancing lessons.  That might be something I could work on. 

I realized something the other day--I have a hard tome dressing in an appropriate way.  Sunday I had to take the chickens for a blood test so we can show them in the county fair.  I had a new pair of denim shorts--the kind that fit like skinny jeans and come to just above the knee--and a completely ordinary t-shirt, the kind that fits close to the skin, not a baggy one.  I put it on, found it was extremely flattering in a casual, not-trying-at-all kind of way, and immediately decided it was too tight and looked slutty.  I ran it by Ted, who stood me in front of the mirror, pulled the shirt back tight and up to show my belly, and said, Now THAT looks slutty.  You look just fine.

I saw the difference after he showed it to me, but I realized I really do have a problem with thinking any flattering outfit, especially one that shows my figure, is automatically slutty.  So hard to know the difference some times.

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