Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Advice Re: Low Contact?
KayZee:
Hi Bones,
--- Quote ---For what it's worth, have you discussed your options with a lawyer, just in case the N-Bitch attempts to "up the ante"?
--- End quote ---
Not a bad idea. I'd be lying if I said I never went hunting on the Internet, just to see what kind of visitation rights/requirements she and my co-N enabling dad are entitled to. At least here in the state of NY, she doesn't have any right to see my kids so long as my husband and I are both living. Don't think the N-fearing part of my mind hasn't worried that she'd have one of us knocked off for just that reason!
This is paranoid fear, yes, but not without back story. When my sister (then in college) was dating a man my NM didn't like; she used to repeatedly talk about the possibility of hiring a hitman to get rid of him. Once, a few years ago, NM also pulled me aside and said something about "the insurance money she was going to give me if she succeeded in killing my Dad and making it look like an accident." Both incidents left me too horrified for words. I just kind of stood there choking. The only time I've managed to stand up to NM when she starts in with violet threats, is when NM told me she might go snatch my niece from daycare to spite my sister's ex-husband. I told her in no uncertain terms, "If you do that, you will never ever see any of your grandkids again. Not my kids. Certainly not my niece. A court will see to that. And have you thought, at all, about the effect that would have on the child you're so desperate to see?"
Agh, she's such a lunatic. I think it's projection too, making it worse. She estranged herself from her dad when my sister and I were kids and didn't talk to him for 28 years. So now that she's a grandparent herself, she lives in mortal terror that someone will do the same to her. What she doesn't get, is that she keeps CREATING situations that ENSURE the same thing is going to happen! NM is such a total self-fulfilling prophecy: treat everyone like sh*t, so they treat you like sh*t and prove people suck; emotionally abandon everyone so they physically abandon you, thus proving your lifelong suspicion that everyone will leave. It's like a sad reminder that she can't live in the world, or see anyone for who they are. She's created this psycho-drama, refuses to give it up, and pushes the rest of us until we play along.
KayZee:
(((Hops))))
Thank you so much for the support.
I'm so sorry for everything you're going through with your D. And I hope she manages to work through whatever she's struggling with. It's always seemed to me, in your posts, that you're such a compassionate and caring mother, so respectful of her feelings and needs. I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling. I hope she gets the help she needs. You're an incredibly brave, strong and empathetic woman for giving her the distance to work it all out.
I think you're right. I just need to keep asserting and asserting until I'm blue in the face. It's mostly just the guilt and shame that gets to me--the cruel little voice in my head that says, "See? NM is right about you! You oversensitive, selfish, ungrateful child! What kind of person doesn't want to see her own mother?" But that's my own issue. Something I need to work on. Need to keep healing the inner child and finding the compassionate, maternal inner-mom who can replace the echos of NM's voice.
JustKathy:
I was LC for about ten years, then finally went NC about six years ago. I can tell you this much (and I'm sure everyone here has experienced the same). The more you pull away, the harder they push. They will NOT be ignored. As you're finding out now, the less contact you have with your NM, the more she will turn up the heat. With me, the smear campaigns and nasty letters at the LC level became so unbearable that I first went NC with only her, then this last year, went NC with my co-father as well. When she was no longer able to get to me, she started using him as her henchman. You mentioned that your Dad has suddenly become very nasty. This also happened to me. He had always been very low key, mumbling and blabbering his way through phone conversations, but once I hurt his Queen, I saw a completely different person, someone who I did NOT like.
I wish I had a solution for you, but unfortunately, it's a sh!tty situation no matter what you choose. Regardless of what you do, she will make it her life's mission to make you pay for "what you've done to HER." There's no stopping that. No N will ever willingly back down and respect your wishes. You are not her child, you are simply an object, and one that is not performing to her standards. If you do not perform in the manner that she demands, she will attempt to force you. Your feelings? They don't exist to her. The only thing that matters is HER, and she WILL NOT BE IGNORED.
I moved, changed my address and phone number, and made it crystal clear that I do not want any contact with them. NM has gone so far as to have me tracked down so that she can continue to send her wicked, nasty letters. She knows damn well that I'm done with her, and that, right there, is the problem. She will not go down without a fight.
I will say, that even though I feel horribly violated over her stalking me and sending unwanted mail, I have the option of simply throwing it away. When I was LC, I had to deal with it. Emotionally, NC has been very hard, but not as hard as being forced to interact with evil.
Good luck , whatever you decide to do. There's no pleasant way out. Just do whatever makes YOU happy. She's been getting her way since the day you were born. Now it's your turn!
JustKathy:
I should add that I, too, am more depressed and angry over my father's actions. In NM's case, she has a mental illness. I've always expected it from her. But I always gave my father a pass. For 40+ years I told myself that he loved me, but that he was brainwashed, maybe even mildly retarded. I was sure that he loved me, but didn't know what he was doing. Finding out that the parent who you thought was sane, who you really believed loved you, was nothing more than an accomplice ... it rips your heart to shreds. It HURTS. I really feel for you, and what you're going through with him. It took me me a few years to finally accept it, but it still hurts. It always will.
Sending you hugs .....
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: KayZee on August 08, 2012, 09:51:12 AM ---Hi Bones,
--- Quote ---For what it's worth, have you discussed your options with a lawyer, just in case the N-Bitch attempts to "up the ante"?
--- End quote ---
Not a bad idea. I'd be lying if I said I never went hunting on the Internet, just to see what kind of visitation rights/requirements she and my co-N enabling dad are entitled to. At least here in the state of NY, she doesn't have any right to see my kids so long as my husband and I are both living. Don't think the N-fearing part of my mind hasn't worried that she'd have one of us knocked off for just that reason!
This is paranoid fear, yes, but not without back story. When my sister (then in college) was dating a man my NM didn't like; she used to repeatedly talk about the possibility of hiring a hitman to get rid of him. Once, a few years ago, NM also pulled me aside and said something about "the insurance money she was going to give me if she succeeded in killing my Dad and making it look like an accident." Both incidents left me too horrified for words. I just kind of stood there choking. The only time I've managed to stand up to NM when she starts in with violet threats, is when NM told me she might go snatch my niece from daycare to spite my sister's ex-husband. I told her in no uncertain terms, "If you do that, you will never ever see any of your grandkids again. Not my kids. Certainly not my niece. A court will see to that. And have you thought, at all, about the effect that would have on the child you're so desperate to see?"
Agh, she's such a lunatic. I think it's projection too, making it worse. She estranged herself from her dad when my sister and I were kids and didn't talk to him for 28 years. So now that she's a grandparent herself, she lives in mortal terror that someone will do the same to her. What she doesn't get, is that she keeps CREATING situations that ENSURE the same thing is going to happen! NM is such a total self-fulfilling prophecy: treat everyone like sh*t, so they treat you like sh*t and prove people suck; emotionally abandon everyone so they physically abandon you, thus proving your lifelong suspicion that everyone will leave. It's like a sad reminder that she can't live in the world, or see anyone for who they are. She's created this psycho-drama, refuses to give it up, and pushes the rest of us until we play along.
--- End quote ---
Yeah.....NM is Bat-Shit Crazy!
Bones
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