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Advice Re: Low Contact?

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BonesMS:

--- Quote from: KayZee on August 06, 2012, 04:53:03 PM ---Amen, Bones.


--- Quote ---They are so self-centered and self-absorbed that they will NEVER recognize other people as human beings WITH BOUNDARIES.  Their "world-view", (for lack of a better description), is that you, your DH, your children, your jobs, your time, etc. are THEIR PROPERTY to be USED for their own self-gratification.

--- End quote ---

This is so frustrating!  I hate that feeling of being objectified! 

In this case, I don't even feel like the desired object anymore.  I feel like the tool (like a chopstick) that NM and co-N enabling Dad want to use to get to who (in their minds: what) they really want (my kids).  My kids are toddlers and just beginning to find their voices, their separation, their defiance and anger (of course none of this comes into play with the grandparents).  As far as NM is concerned, my three-year-old daughter and one-year-old son are the perfect sources of N-supply.  Oh how NM loves to play games with them (NM taught my DD to call her "Momma").  At least, NM "loves" them until they fall down, scrape a knee and come running to DH or I for a hug (that's when NM launches in on how manipulative and fake DD's emotions are). 

Agggggghhhhh.  I can't live the rest of my adult life wresting this parasite demon dragon-woman off of me.  What is the point?  Why do I even put up with it?  Probably because, as long as I'm LC and civil, I can persist in telling myself I'm not the 'bad girl' NM always taught me I was.

--- End quote ---

I hear you!

For what it's worth, have you discussed your options with a lawyer, just in case the N-Bitch attempts to "up the ante"?

Bones

Hopalong:
KayZee,

I'm preaching to myself, but I think your first obligation to your children is to care for your own mental and physical health. And the hypersensitivity to your Ns' LACK of sensitivity is something I can profoundly relate to. I never ever completely got over it, with my mother. I slowly made my own peace with her, and found a way to forgive her once I began facing how hard-wired her personality was. Waaay beyond my pay-grade to ever affect it in a meaningful way. But the crazy-making of being with her, the hurtful/oblivious things she'd say and do, the inerent unfairness and imbalance, the sense of teetering constantly on a wire that was being yanked around in a capricious wind by someone SO indifferent to (or incapable of noting) my feelings...was damaging to me.

So I think if you need LC or NC, the only thing that matters is that you simply and gravely accept your right to do what you need to do.

The irony, for me, in reading your post...is knowing that my daughter feels just as much loathing and hypersensitivity to me, as you do to your Nmother.

I was weeping about it with my T again this morning. But my job is to accept it. She has a right to make that choice. And my job is to feel, and heal, and feel, and heal--over and over again.

It's a tragedy in both directions, really. And I guess all one can really do, in face of the unthinkable, is keep on living. Find love and hope wherever you can. And peace.

You are entitled to your peace and perhaps only a period of NC, or better-enforced LC (my vote, those clear and specific boundaries that are enacted through assertiveness...repeated until it's second nature) -- will help you find it.

I feel so much resonance with how you feel. And, there's a part of me that can't help but identify a bit with any exiled parent. But that's just projection and doesn't have anything to do with the reality you've lived through.

It all just sucks.

love to you,
Hops

Twoapenny:
Hi Kay,

I've tried to reply several times but had to keep deleting it - I wanted to try to explain my own experiences to you in the hope that it would help a little but it gets so complicated that it runs into pages!  Very, very simply, what happened in my situation was

Initial attempt to restrict contact (after direct requests to change/stop certain behaviours failed - seemed okay on the surface but she was slagging me off to anyone that would listen and spreading all sorts of lies about me

Moved 200 miles to get away from her and had various rows via email as I felt safer about being more assertive - seemed okay from my point of view but she'd upped the sabotage and was effectively stopping my disabled son from getting medical treatment - I didn't realise she was the one doing this at the time.  I guess you could call this stage low contact as well

Discovered she'd made false allegations of abuse against me - stopped contact all together.  Threatened an injunction when she wouldn't leave my son alone.  Reported her to the police for forging my signature on financial documents and my step-father for abusing me.  She made numerous other referrals to various agencies claiming I was abusing my son.

I've lost count of the lies she's told about me, the bad things she's done, the harm she's caused.  I've been trying for, I suppose, about ten years to 'deal' with her.  I feel like I've finally done it.  She has no hold over me any more.  I no longer mourn the mother I don't have, or fear the one I do.  I'm not fussed, one way or the other, what she does, what she thinks, how she behaves.  If she wants to come and visit, she can.  I'd have no qualms at all about telling her how to behave or throwing her out if she got out of control.  If she wants to stay away forever, she can.  If she wants to bad mouth me 24 hours a day to everyone in the world, she's welcome to it.  I don't give a tiny rat's arse :)  (I don't remember where I read that now but it's always made me laugh).

So what I'm trying to say is - I think there are a multitude of ways of dealing with your situation.  I think you can pick and choose the ways that suit you best - you, not your mum, your dad, your family or anyone else - you.  I think you can try something and if you feel it's not right you can change it.  Everyone's experience is different and personally I think different people are ready for different things and different times.  Some people can go NC without a second thought, some find it a step to far and would rather cope with a bit of hassle twice a year than cut off all together.  Do what's best for you and your kids.  It's really, really hard!  Whatever you do.  There's no easy way of dealing with it.  But I'm so much happier than I've ever been now, I think dealing with it (her/them) is worth it, even though it's such a slog.  Lots of love xxx

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---These boundaries don't seem to be working.
--- End quote ---

Well, yeah. You're trying to teach her about something she knows absolutely nothing about! She doesn't accept that any boundaries apply to her -- she's your MOM, fer cryin' out loud... Mom's don't have to accept boundaries... (at least in Nmom's minds...)

And you don't have to feel guilty about what a slow learner she is.

It took me 4-5 years to see any real success teaching my mom about boundaries and getting her to respect them. I'd beat myself up for her failures... learned to only say uh-huh, yeah... and then "talk to ya later! I gotta go!" (no specific reason)... learned not to beat myself up for her failures... finally taught her the basic fundamentals of conversation: I'm allowed to talk about ME and MY LIFE, too... and I had to be consistent (like potty training) and patient (this was completely foreign to her) and not let my natural "OMG, what's wrong with her" outraged, embarrassed reaction persist in me. This spirals into another emotion, for me.

Since my mom & bro are a tag-team... I saw real clearly how I was taking responsibility (and then feeling like a failure and guilty) for things I shouldn't; when after at least 6 months of discussing a purchase for the business and making sure that bro was still agreeable every couple weeks - at the last minute he freaked out and promptly forgot everything we had discussed and he'd agreed to... and tried to imply that I was doing something behind his back.  Yes; I felt like I'd failed at something and I felt guilty. I asked hubs how much sense that made - for me to feel this way... when I wasn't the one with the "problem" here.'' I'll let you imagine his answer...

You are well within your rights to ask for - insure - and maintain any level of relationship you want to with Nmom... and to have different kinds and levels of relationships with other family members. It's simple on paper... but because of Nmom's inability or unwillingness to accept even mild boundaries... you have to have something simple to remember and hang on to while you're in the process of trying to change your own reactions enough... to begin to address the situation with Nmom directly.

(BTW - if I deliberately don't answer the answer phone or have been busy - when I finally do pick up... now I get the "OH... you're home today and not out running around..." like I'm on 24/7 phone duty just for her... hahahahahahahahaaaaa! Leave a friggin' message mom... and if I don't call you back -- I FORGOT.)

BonesMS:
I like the "potty-training" analogy!   :D

Bones

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