Hi Kay - I find Vaknin to be a really difficult way to think about the dynamics in an Nish family. But he's technically correct. Problem is, I think, that he speaks from the perspective/voice of the N in the situation. Each other person in that dynamic responds according to their own inherent personality.
The narcissist invades our personality. He makes us react the way he would have liked to, had he dared, or had he known how (a mechanism known as "projective identification").
This is the one I'm personally most familiar with. What I called, a few years ago - the sock puppet syndrome. IF this is what has happened to your sister, I do feel for her. It can sometimes feel like being "possessed" by an evil spirit... or like one is truly a split personality.... truly another form of PD. But this one is curable -- albeit the work is pretty intense. But, I didn't manifest N-characteristics at all -- in fact, it was as if there was my rational mind, then something else which I called a "ball of strong, intense resistance"... and I really had no "ego" -- in the classic freudian sense. I was a chameleon; I could change my colors - all of me - to "fit in" just about anywhere. The behavior was based on that innate primal need to be "seen" and "recognized" - mirroring and marking - Hi!!! It's me - Amber!!! (and no I'm not just like you, mom...). Ironically, it was my ability to adjust myself to new groups, values, philosophies... the same thing Nmom used to plant her poison arrow... that was my escape route. But I was like a blind-folded person... trying to find "me" in all those places. I needed help to stop looking everywhere but inside my self. That was the thing that was never, ever allowed -- and the greatest taboo, sin, transgression against "mom".
What my mom transferred to both my brother and I was a pathological passivity. It still manifests in me -- in my lack of will to commit to goals that I want to pursue (not just goals that I think I "should" pursue, for rational reasons). It still grinds its foot on the back of my neck, growling that I don't deserve anything... I'm not worth being taken care of... taking care of myself... in my ability to gather myself in the present moment and prevent myself from being steamrolled by any other person in the general vicinity... that passivity's secret message is "nothingness" and massive toxic shame... and it drives me sometimes, to babble incessantly looking for someone who can reflect me back to me -- because I can't always do that for myself.
I'm not entirely clear on what my brother's struggles are. Outwardly -- he is overwhelmingly passive-aggressive. When I give him a chance to explain himself - what comes out is so N; that I grew up trying to teach him, tutor him in his schoolwork thinking he was a little "slow". It wasn't learning ability... it was that he was so locked into what he saw, believed, the way his mind works -- life and people and everything with himself at the very center -- and he NEVER went out the gate that exists in that "boundary" of experience.
Real life example: for 4 years, we've been working on my Dad's estate, taking over the business, working our way through adjusting to new income levels, etc. At least I have - my brother insists on working at his job, despite the fact that he has monthly income from the business equal to his annual salary. He "needs" this job to avoid the N-mess at home... and despite the grueling demands of the job (and emotional demands at home) and the resulting heart attack... he's not giving up the job. It's his "safe place" -- I understand that. I also understand it's a trap.
The estate tax return was audited. We expected it to be audited. That process took 2 years or more. Last week, we finally resolved the last remaining issue and controversy -- more in our favor than I believed was possible. I was overjoyed. It was a great outcome. My brother was beside himself with anger and looking to blame the trustee and CPA; to file a negligence suit even... why? Because he couldn't understand that the calculation used to value of the business (which was done 4 times, independently each time) is standard operating procedure and that the IRS bean counters - in their search for any possible error, oversight, or let's face it - more tax liability... found 1 court case that in 1 instance, denied the calculation used to value the company. He couldn't understand that this is the "luck of the draw"; his expectation is that our "people" should've been omniscient and omnipotent and prevented this from happening in the first place. He doesn't accept that we were just unlucky in that we drew this level of scrutiny. That idea can't exist in his understanding.
It was this one idea that interfered with his ability to see the positive outcome. It over-ruled that ability. The folks we rely on put this down to his inexperience and unfamiliarity with these kinds of business matters. I tried that explanation on for size. I patiently, repeatedly, attempted to educate him... explaining pros and cons... how things work... playing tutor again. NOPE. It didn't get through. At the end of all that effort -- there is only his idea of how it works, what should happen, how it should happen... and everything else is suspect, wrong, and a threat. He very conveniently forgets his own agreements, decisions, etc -- in favor of that original mindset that belongs only to him.
He insists on seeing the world through his N-colored glasses -- even when I can get him to agree to move forward on certain decisions -- he remains in denial. Just like Nmom. They both seem to be stuck on the child side of the child-parent interaction -- and they scapegoat those who step up to the parent position. It's a no-win game, you know?
Back to family dynamics: in some ways I can see how this is his form of resistance - his defense mechanism against the projective identification schema. I know that just beneath all this difficult personality he is an emotional mess. Because he's able to deny it so well - and distract himself with workaholic busy, busy - it's just been piling up... and up... and up. I've tried to get him to shift out of this. But here's the thing: I'm pretty sure my mom is going to outlive him... and she'll blame him for dying on her. I have a lot of pity for the 54-yr-old kid... but he won't let me or anyone else help him. And I can't let myself be connected, even through morbid, pseudo-scientific fascination... because it hurts me, it "hooks" me into the games, and gives me nightmares. And no, my mom will never come live with me. That would be suicide for me.
I'm sorry: I'm doing what Hops calls "voice-hogging" and hijacking your thread by way of an "example". I didn't really know this was bugging me, under the surface. I don't let myself think about it that much anymore. There's just so much more stuff to think about, do and be involved in -- that's way more fun and interesting. Stuff like LIFE. The more I give myself permission to explore that -- at a real level, not just seeking that "being seen" and "belonging" -- the healthier I get. True: this other dark side doesn't completely go away... especially because of the business and the fact that I literally can't go NC, legally... but I no longer have to let it dominate my life either.
It's lot like cleaning toilets, though. LOL!!!!