Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Knew this would happen. Really need advice...
KayZee:
Thank you so much, Tup,
And belated happy B-day... I can totally relate to the sharp loneliness of having no family. I've felt that way for years now, despite occasional contact with NM and even less than that with GC sister.
--- Quote ---But I'd still rather have my health, my sanity and know my son isn't growing up with this craziness around him than put up with her bizarre behaviour so that I can avoid feeling like no-one loves me.
--- End quote ---
I can't thank you enough for this insight. I never realized it before, but I think that's the reason I've avoided this confrontation for so long. Because I wanted to put off feeling that loneliness; I convinced myself that some family contact (no matter how one-sided and abusive) was better than no family ties. But it's not better. Anything is better than this. I'm reaching my breaking point where something's got to change. Maybe love of my kids and life I've built with DH outweighs lifelong fear of NM.
Anyway, you've for sure got family on this board. And give me a holler anytime you're feeling lonely...
Kay x
KayZee:
Refuse to get my brain battered by this... NM finally responded via email after a week's sulking. And I don't even know where to begin about her message. Well, for a start, a normal person would have apologized for the intrusion...but NM is far from normal, so whatever. The whole thing is peppered with phony exclamation points and everything she's put in quotation marks are not thing's I've said! (Will include my original letter in a subsequent post.) All the name calling and weirdness ("monster," "supervised visits," "put up with") are total projections, aggressive words she's trying to put in my mouth. No doubt, she's already called up the rest of the family and told them that's what I've said to her:
Dear Kay,
We are back from the weekend wedding and I am ready to respond. Dad and I will be responding separately.
It causes me great sadness to think that communicating or being with me can cause you such distress. I cannot bear the thought that I may, in anyway, be affecting your health or well being! I think that we can both agree that our relationship since X or maybe even sometime before, has been superficial at best. We haven't had a real conversation in years. Whether we are visiting your home or you all come here, a cloud always seems to hover. Many issues that were brought up in X, I have tried to thoughtfully consider but I always feel that I come up short. Any interaction seems to be controlled - communicating via text messaging only. Every time I telephone, it goes directly to voice mail. It all just seems more than 'boundaries' - it feels like a concerted effort to keep me at arms length. However, that being said, I will not allow you to use this as a means to 'discontinue our relationship'! I will adhere to your demands - because they come across more as demands than wishes! I do not feel comfortable contacting you in anyway so I will wait to hear from you in the future.
Concerning the children - I thoroughly enjoy being around them! They are fantastic and I shouldn't be made to feel guilty because I want to see them! That brings up another issue that has been bothering me. Every time I see them I feel like it's some kind of 'supervised visitation'. Are you afraid to leave them alone with me? Am I really a monster when it comes to children?
I need to address one more issue. I will never again overstep when it comes to the boundaries you have put in place. However, I insist that I be treated with the same level of respect that you afford your neighbors, Barbara, your aunt, or the in-laws. Your demeanor towards me is disrespectful. Someone you have to 'put up with'? I wish for us a real relationship in the future, not one that is forced.
Ugh... she's so sickening. Like she wants a "real" relationship. She wants a phony "relationship" whereby I never say no to her and let her be as outrageous and abusive as she wants. Also, I am seriously creep-ed out by her being so pushy about wanting to be alone with the children. This does not seem normal to me. And it makes me wonder what the hell she feels she can't do with them while DH and I are in the same building.
Anyway, I responded with the below. My only regret is that I put the ball in her court with the last paragraph. In retrospect, I wish I'd just seized the moment when she said that thing about "not feeling comfortable contacting me" (as if I am the dangerous one); I wish I'd basically told her "don't contact me for a while." I guess part of me wondered, what the hell does she want from me, anyway? I know, don't get me wrong. I know like the good girl she's conditioned me to be, that she wants a relationship where I idolize the bejesus out of her, praise her to high heaven, let her badmouth people to me, stand docile-like while she criticizes me to my face and says weird stuff to my children, let her get her way, let her get away with murder, and let her suck all the air out of every freaking room. I know that, and I know I'm no longer willing to do that. But the good girl in me thought, Fine. Tell me what you want (everything) so I can tell you what I'm prepared to give (next to nothing.) :x
Hi there,
Thanks for responding. You raise a lot of issues here... I want to try to address them.
- You feel hurt if your calls go to voicemail. Anyone who calls me goes to voicemail. Usually because I am working (I have my phone off) or because I am busy looking after two children who don't take kindly to me talking on the phone. I'm sorry that you feel hurt by this. It's not personal.
- You feel I am "making you feel guilty" for wanting to see the kids. You are responsible for your feelings. I've never, ever said I don't want you to see them. I have said--and continue to say--that it is our choice (DH and me) when and how you see them. Period. When you give us little warning or when you "say" you are coming to visit rather than ask for a time that's convenient for everyone, you create a self-fulfilling prophesy...we say "no."
- We only let you have "supervised" visits. That is our prerogative as their parents. And we do not make it a habit to leave our kids alone with anyone, that includes you. I'm sorry if you feel hurt by this.
- That somehow I do not afford you the same "respect" that I give my other friends and family. They show me and DH respect. When they want to see us, they get and touch and arrange a good time. They recognize that we are a family of almost five, with little free time and lots of commitments. Stating my preferences and personal boundaries is not a disrespectful thing to do.
- My "demeanor" is disrespectful. I don't quite know what you mean here, as I have not criticized you in any way shape or form. All the below words "supervised visitation," "monster" and "put up with" have come, not from my mouth, but yours. Please don't put words in my mouth.
- "Real" versus "forced" relationship. I think we have two different ideas about the kind of relationship we're aiming for. I'm not sure how to make them meet in the middle. Maybe if you tell me the kind of relationship you have in mind, I can tell you the kind that I do and we can work from there.
love, Kay
Hopalong:
I think that was an impeccable response.
And nothing wrong with the last paragraph, either.
You were reasonable, assertive and courteous. I think it was a very mature response to her response.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Don't nit-pick yourself via the letters, Kay. I think you did great, too.
And ya know what? I also think, in some ways, it's just and righteous to leave the ball in NM's court. You did it calmly, with no aggression or meanness - but got across the message (to those with ears) just how much the responsibility for change is on her shoulders. Accept it or not, put on your big girl panties, Mom. You DID IT, extremely well Kay. YAY!!!!!!
I know you're still looking for the other shoe to drop - so the only thing I saw brewing that might fit into that category is that she is going to use the kids and that all important "grandma card" -- as emotional blackmail. Lots of kids grow up without grandparents -- and turn out just fine because they had good parents. Don't put your kids into a tug of war situation. It's yucky.
The other blackmail tool I've seen used, is the false idea that we automatically "owe" a debt to our mothers for giving birth to us. Right. I'm sure you felt that way about your kids, huh? This one only holds true when we've really BEEN mothered. NMs don't see that part.
IF she changes and recognizes where she was in the wrong; if she learns to accept your limitations and boundaries... then you can reassess the situation with the kids. When kids are older -- when they have their own sense of self, values, good people vs the less-well intentioned -- they can fend for themselves with an N, who doesn't have other more unsavory intentions. Healthy kids aren't as vulnerable as others, for short timeframes of exposure with Ns.
Oh - and I'm stealing your letter!!!!!! (just kidding - hee hee!)
BonesMS:
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((KayZee)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
GOOD JOB!!!! You Go Girl!!!
Bones
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