Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Knew this would happen. Really need advice...
BonesMS:
(((((((((((((((((((KayZee)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Twoapenny:
Oh Kay :( I think you've dealt with this brilliantly, much better than I could have done. I've always found myself rounded into a corner with letters and emails like those; my mum always seemed to get the upper hand (and did all the stuff like listing how much they'd helped me and just wanting us to get along).
I think the thing I found most difficult to deal with was that they couldn't see things from my point of view. I spent a lot of time wondering whether my 'demands' (I got that too, funny how the language is similar) were reasonable - like you, I was 'demanding' that they respect limits and boundaries. Eventually I accepted that they see the world differently and that our two worlds can't exist side by side. It is so, so sad when someone gets to a stage where they have to stop seeing their own family, but, like you, conact with them used to make me ill (all my mental health problems went away when I went NC). So as horrible as it is, I think you are doing the right thing.
Hugs to you (((((((((((((((((((((Kay)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
sKePTiKal:
Kay and Penny...
Something just popped into my head, from Penny's last post.
I wonder if the similarities in "modus operandi", "plot", and right down to the dialogue... are because the nparents are playing out the role of a character in a drama or stageplay?? As if they've hypnotized themselves to actually believe they ARE the character - us Nresisters are always the protagonists to their victimized, aggrieved, parent - and therefore they are able to "crazy-make" on that basis... never, ever, seeing beyond the "play" of the drama... to the real people and feelings in the roles??
Does that make any sense?? It was a snippet of an idea... that kinda fit into other snippets that I've noticed, from time to time. And kind of works with my idea that we can - we have the free choice, without invoking some karma or breaking some taboo - simply stop playing in THEIR drama.
Twoapenny:
Yeah, I think there's something in that, Phoenix, my mum literally exists in a parallel universe - she just doesn't deal with reality so it's her way or no way. Perhaps they have that in common, that they're 'acting out' being alive instead of actually living (and feeling/relating/thinking etc). It's very difficult to deal with. And, like you say, the only way I was able to cope was to opt out and just do my own thing.
It's funny but I saw something similar like that last night; two friends of mine came round and for ninety minutes talked about themselves and things that had happened on their last night out. I felt like i was watching a play instead of being at home with a couple of friends. There was very little conversation or interaction, it was like watching two monologues interspersed with the odd dualogue; it was almost as if I wasn't there. Just like being at home, lol :)
KayZee:
((((Tup))))
--- Quote ---Eventually I accepted that they see the world differently and that our two worlds can't exist side by side. It is so, so sad when someone gets to a stage where they have to stop seeing their own family, but, like you, conact with them used to make me ill (all my mental health problems went away when I went NC). So as horrible as it is, I think you are doing the right thing.
--- End quote ---
I can totally relate to this. There is just no way to meet in the middle. I've been trying for years, and it just causes too much pain and confusion on both sides.
I found these "Ten Commandments of Dysfunctional Families" the other day: http://www.ministryhealth.net/mh_articles/064_ten_commandments_of_dysfunctional_families.html. They really hit home. The only way we could have a (in my folks' mind) peaceful "relationship" is if I adhered to all these rules. And I am truly incapable of doing that at this time in my life. Living that way makes me feel sick; it makes me self-sabotage and it ruins relationships with people outside my crazy FOO.
Spent the past couple of days outside, going on long fall walks with DH and the kids. Also had a good, honest, supportive talk with my aunt and uncle--for years, they've been the only strong family connection I have. Feeling much happier and more positive than I did a few days ago, although I do feel the guilt slowly starting to creep in.
Thank you so much for making me feel less alone.
It's sad, but comforting to know so many of us have experienced this...
Kay x
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