Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Knew this would happen. Really need advice...
sKePTiKal:
This might help you sort things out, Kay -- write 2 letters.
In the first one, you're going to say, Mom - I'm not a child you can call to your side any side you want - I have a life, children, and responsibilities. Your behavior is rude and I wouldn't tolerate it in some other person. You're going to write out the kind of relationship you WISH you had with her -- where caring for each other is a 2-way proposition and no one keeps score. You're going to get all that out of your head, first... and this might take awhile. That gives your life and body and hormones a chance to get back to balance -- but also lets you get your feelings and boundaries absolutely positively unequivocably clear in your own mind. You will know for yourself exactly what she is doing/has done that is "wrong" from where you sit. And that will lead naturally, to...
the second letter, where you TELL her (not ask, plead, or request) exactly what you want her to do, what the "rules" are now, and why. This one, you can decide to mail or not -- the first one is simply for you. A letter from you, TO YOU. This is you sticking up for you, helping you enforce boundaries (which ya gotta know what they are, first -- you already know that -- but also WHY you need this boundary -- and that WHY is way higher on the priority level than anything NM could throw out there as "important", you know?)
You will have to explain to her, in words one of your children would understand -- that if she doesn't follow the rules, THIS is going to happen -- and make sure you're ready (and DH to back you up) to enforce it.
---------------------------------------------
A second item I saw in what you wrote: give DH a get out of jail free card -- give him a pass for not coming to your rescue, choosing to tolerate the visit to avoid a scene... poor guy probably feels caught in the middle of an emotional gun battle and his natural reaction is to duck. It will help him know how and when to ride to the rescue, when he knows what your absolute boundaries are too. My poor hubs has the patience of a saint -- after all these years, I still have the same self-harm reflex when I feel my boundaries have been trampled, and I b-itch about every little thing my NM does that makes me crazy... but it doesn't stick with me much anymore; I'm more able to accept: crazy is as crazy does and let it go.
Your DH doesn't know what to do to help; and is afraid of doing the wrong thing -- remember, he's gaslighted too. And Ns are incredible spin-masters... able to create appearances - illusion - of what is just normal human interaction while they drive the knife into your back and twist it for their own sick pleasure. Poor DH is confused about what's going on -- accepting the illusion of normalcy and not understanding what's there to hurt you. People who haven't experienced this particular PD -- can't be expected to know all the ways this works... and it takes some years of explaining (and learning ourselves) just what a trigger is -- and where (the boundaries) those triggers are.
((((((((((((((((((((((Kay)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
He's gonna have your back, don't worry about that. And there is no better feeling in the world. But for the moment, you need to take care of you -- pamper yourself a little, breathe slower and calmer, enjoy some fresh air -- and then set aside some time to write letter #1, for YOU. That will get you to letter #2 the fastest.
Hopalong:
(((((KZ))))
I really understand how you feel helpless, powerless, drained...when she Got Her Entitlement Way regardless of your needs. I think that's what N-mothering does. I have a dear friend in her 60s, gorgeous, accomplished, intelligent, who INSTANTLY lost all her ability to take good care of herself when her Nmother (now in her 80s) moved to this town from out of state. It's been sad to watch.
I think what you're describing is lack of assertiveness (or effective assertiveness). I can't imagine more helpful training for you than assertiveness training. I think that kind of workshop is tailor-made for children of invasive N-mothers. It's like the calm unruffled refusals, with grace, that Lighter describes. And along the way, plenty of the messy Nobody-is-Going-to-Validate-Me-Here feelings Tupp did.
It frustrates me that assertiveness training isn't still widely available as it was in the 60s and 70s, but there are smart practitioners out there who know how to teach it, and I think it's a sanity saver for people with mothers like yours.
I am really sorry she doesn't see your needs. She may legitimately yearn to see her grandchildren, but ... she doesn't have an automatic RIGHT to.
I wonder about this (and don't know if it's a good idea).
Dear Mom,
I need to explain something difficult. I hope that you will be able to understand and respect it, but if you can't, I feel a responsibility to communicate this clearly anyway.
For reasons I choose not to go into, it is important to my health and my family's well-being that you never again come to visit uninvited or after I have told you it is not a good time for you to come. You may be yearning to come, you may want to see the kids -- I am sure that is true.
But even if you must endure disappointment or frustration when I say No -- you must learn how to accept that it is my right to say when I want you to visit. And that No, means No.
I am going to do all I can to ensure that I communicate with you clearly about my boundaries. If I don't do it perfectly, I will work at it harder. But I want to clarify that I will no longer tolerate you overriding or ignoring my desires. My family and my home is a sanctuary, and whether you think I "should" feel stressed or not over the prospect of a visit -- I will defend my right to maintain the conditions I need to have for a healthful and positive life.
I expect my boundaries to be respected, even if it causes disappointment. Let me repeat this, clearly: DO NOT EVER AGAIN COME TO MY HOME FOR A VISIT WHEN I HAVE TOLD YOU NOT TO.
If you are able to respect this, then our relationship can continue. But it will have to include times when you do not get what you want when you want it, and it will have to EXCLUDE your ever again overriding my wishes and coming to visit because you refuse to wait.
Again, I am not going to go into the reasons with you. I hope you will be able to hear this, and act on it. Any future compulsion to "override" or "go anyway" will be seriously destructive to our relationship.
I don't know if it's a good idea. I guess, what I'm thinking is that IF you are going to learn assertiveness skills and dedicate yourself to practicing them with your mother literally without exception for the rest of her life....THEN, it would make sense to write something like this. It is a warning shot across her bow. But it would not be something to be tentative about.
I am so sorry you're going through these feelings...especially now. She has no clue about how much stress you're under, or how she is a walking Last Straw. But she is.
Much comfort,
Hops
KayZee:
Thank you Bones!
I admire your bluntness. And I wish I could do it! I've spent the past two days mentally telling off NM in my head. But whenever I've gone there in real life with NM, I tend to get emotional and angry. And of course, NM just uses that as ammunition, makes me look like I'm the irrational, "crazy," difficult family member.
Agh! At any rate, thanks for listening and the encouraging words!
Kay x
KayZee:
Thank you so much TwoaP!
Those are all really sound, amazing strategies. Exactly the kind of help I've been praying for.
I think I will draft a letter, keep it short, unemotional and to the point. And I'm not going to make any accusations or give any rationale or justification because I'm not going to prove anything to NM or make her hear me anyway. I'll just feel better once I resurrect the boundary and have some documentation in case NM gets even more stalkerish and mental.
DH is on my side. He's seen the depths of NM's nastiness; she was really vile with him for the first two years of dating and the first two years of marriage. (Not to mention the hideous way she treated him on our wedding day!) He doesn't want to see her either (under normal, planned circumstances and holidays) and he was just as floored as I was when they showed up to "surprise" us when I'd explicitly told them to give us some time and space. DH's way of dealing with things is just to downplay them, laugh them off, try to forget about them as quickly as possible. So I think he just instantly snapped into that mode after they left, whereas I spent the hours following reeling.
DH's comment hurt a bit because we don't talk about my mother every day. And even when I do bring her up, we don't often sit down and yak about my issues. But yes, lately, I've mentioned her every week. Because every week leading up to her surprise visit, she found someway to try to bulldoze into our lives. It's been weeks of her threatening to come up and me shutting her down (to DH's shared relief). So yes, I suppose she's been in our lives a bit more lately but only because she's been more ballsy and bullying then she's been in years.
I do need to retrain my brain though to keep her out... That's the other problem with these visits. (And probably the one that DH really feels and notices.) I feel totally distracted, emotional and jumpy for at least three times the length of the time I spend with her. So if I see her for two days, I feel deeply anxious and depressed for two days before and two days after. Even the three hours I spent with her after her surprise, translated into at least two days of difficulty concentrating, plus bad dreams. Last night I woke up screaming, dreamed with horror my 15 month old ate a taranchula and NM was on the sidelines cackling with joy like a witch, shrieking, "Don't you just love it when they eat the big ones?!"
Oh god, I wish there was a quick easy fix. But I truly can't thank you enough for the support and advice...
so much love and gratitude, Kay x
KayZee:
Thank you so much Lighter!
--- Quote ---They really don't see what you're going through. They don't understand.
--- End quote ---
So true. And I'm so, intensely grateful you all understand...
It's been a few days and I think I felt self-harmy because (in addition to losing the boundary between my house and NM's) I also lost the boundary between her and me? Like, it was all a game to her...showing up here, prodding me, trying to set me off in order to make me look irrational, difficult, crazy....and even though I didn't outwardly deliver, some part of me still wondered, after she left, am I the crazy one? Is it really bad of me to be outraged by this? I felt framed and body-snatched, like she'd managed to fill me with all her self-hatred and aggression. And some old part of my brain (I haven't cut myself in seven years or gotten drunk in nine) just wanted to obliterate her by obliterating myself.
--- Quote ---It's not wrong to have and set boundaries..... it's logical and healthy. Don't let yourself get baited into defending them, or your right to have them. Remain calm, sure sure sure about your rights, and it always helps me to write down all the hard feelings, and read them. Write some more then read and write again and again until I've internalized it all down to it's essence, and can discuss anything calmly without being triggered, thrown off my stride, respond with anger or shut down in hurt and confusion.
--- End quote ---
I am definitely going to try this. I've never thought of it and no one's ever suggested it to me before. I find it so hard not to be triggered sometimes. I've gotten better over the years, but NM just pushes and pushes and pushes until she gets the reaction she's looking for. I try to remove myself from the situation before it gets to that point. But, it would be incredibly helpful to be able to talk about some of this stuff--even to DH--really calmly and coherently without dissolving into snot and tears.
Thank you so much for your help and support.
it means the world to me... Kay x
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