I just finished writing this letter to my mom, I'm not going to send it - but it helped all whole lot to write it. I wanted to post it here to see if anyone may relate at all. Thanks
Mom,
I really did not want to have to get into any of this with you, but I am kind of sick of you acting like I’m insensitive by not keeping in touch. After everything you have pulled, you are lucky to have anything at all to do with my children or me.
Starting back when Alex was alive: You had practically nothing to do with her, only pretended to when it was convenient. When ever you did help out watching the kids you brought Bill so that he could watch Alex while you spent time with Cassie. We had to take Cassie all the time to the E.R. with us because it was between hell and impossible to get cooperation from you to watch Cassie.
After Alex died, you acted as though she never existed and that my remembering her was abnormal and unfair to Cassie. You said many horrible insensitive things to me that I absolutely did not deserve nor would I expect any mother to say to their child. (that Alex got more attention dead then Cassie did alive, I always was trying to get attention. Etc…)
When Penny was born you had NOTHING to do with her. Even Cassie picked up on it and would ask why you didn’t love her sister. We thought that maybe because of Alex’s death you were afraid to get close to Penny, afraid that she may get sick too. We tried to gently persuade you to get involved. We offered to bend over backwards but to no avail.
Your relationship with Cassie over the last five or so years has not been normal. You keep secrets with her, you tell her things to try to turn her against Adam and I. You wanted to turn Cassie into a little mini-you. You have been controlling and demanding. You expect me to go out of my way to bring Cassie to you when ever the craving hits, but many times when I needed you to help out you had major problems with it, as if I was using you.
You have never been supportive of me emotionally in any way. You constantly put me down, question and judge me, and criticize me to no end. You would pick at me at times of stress. Like my wedding day to Adam. The day Alex got put on oxygen.
When I started looking for Cristin, you knew she had died but purposely didn’t tell me. You knew I was asking about her and looking, but you kept silent. When you finally told me of her death you expected me to be completely unaffected. You never mentioned it again. If fact, as I was growing up it was well known to all that we were not allowed to mention her or recognize her. You kept me from knowing and having her as my sister. She is dead and you took her away from me.
We were not on speaking terms when Andrew died, but I dropped all that and came running. I’m not saying that others wouldn’t have but I did more than anyone else. I knowing what it was like to lose a child, made myself completely available to listen to you and help in any way. Adam and I did a lot to help with the plans for Andrew. I put up with my father and his complete disregard for human life. (It was my brother for God’s sake) It was not easy to listen to you say all the things that I had felt or said when Alex died knowing that you could not support me then – I supported you regardless of that.
After all these things and much, much more I was willing to have a relationship with you. What you did last December though, I can’t look past, forgive, and forget. When Adam and I separated and I needed a break from the kids for awhile, you attacked me and accused me of abandoning my kids (Cassie). You called me a bad mother. I was already in a bad place after Andrew’s death and my relationship problems. When I took the pills and ended up in the hospital: You took that as an opportunity to turn everyone against me and try to get my children taken away from me. One would think that after Andrew died, you would have learned something. You knew that my biological siblings both died by suicide. Andrew had attempted several times before his death. Yet instead of supporting and helping me, you tell everyone I was out for attention. Yeah. The fact is that I was dealing with depression. It is already in my genes, but also completely understandable following the death of my little brother. Whom I cared for deeply!!!!!!! And felt responsibility for.
You know all these things and you know damn well why I have a limited relationship with you. You have no right to put some guilt trip on me or accuse me of being insensitive. If you have a relationship with me or my children, it will be on my terms. There will be no out right favoritism shown. If you can’t handle having the kids on your own then you don’t need to. I can bring them to visit and take them both when I leave. That is if and when you see them at all. You will accept seeing us every couple of months or when I am up to it. (That is if you desire to at all) You have tried to control everything – but you will not this time! I don’t need you and neither do the kids. I allow you to see them out of the kindness of my heart. If it will cause me stress then I won’t anymore.
