Less heavy emptiness...

[ResilientLady]

Hi I wanted to give some news, about my relationship w/ my NDad... As BT had said :

Taking some time (you mentioned 3 months) of no contact might give you more clarity (..). A sort with time, distance, emotional intimacy boundaries/buffers present so that interaction with him does not leave you feeling bad. (...)
Maybe it is really about thinking on what true value having a relationship with him holds for you, outside of all reasons related to fears (i.e. of aloneness, etc.)...

Lately the more I thought about my NDad, the angrier I got as I saw his behavior is still abusive to me. He had been extremely abusive to me when I was a teenager (even NMum and Nsis hadsaid he was being unfair). Then 10 years ago, when he lost his job, his depression sarted, my Mum started working again. I saw he was less "in power" therefore less of a threat to me (compared to my NMom getting worst and worst).
So when NMom (after about 20 years of abuse by him) started working and abusing him back, I stood for him. Hence a bigger hatred of NMom for me since then.
During these 10 years I loyally, endlessly defended him when he was attacked directly or indirectly by NMum/sis, whether he was physically present or not. I did it b/c I felt it was a fair thing to do (despite the emotional price NMum and 2 N sis made me pay for it). I did not ask anythg back explicitely, but I guess I was expecting him to stop his abuse to me.
I have excused his bahavior b/c I was holding only manipulative Nsis and NMom responsible for it... But I think now he should be responsible at age 65, I don't care what is the source of his behavior, all I see is the abuse, (explicitely) performed by hm,period.
I am getting extremely tired of having parents being 5 years olds, I am tired of their continuous fights for power, for their N.. It is very hard for me right now to feel a minimum of empathy for NDad, as he has again been awful on the phone.
I told him yesterday I would be out of town and unreachable (which is a lie) for a couple of weeks. So I said Merry Xmas and everything to be rid of that and be in peace...
Today I have 3 voice mails from NDad telling me to call him back ASAP, that he wants to have lunch, and that he wants to give me sthg... I am sick of his manipulations, he thinks he can buy me w/ money...
I guess I will change both of my phone numbers at beginning of January. I had been thinking about it for a year, and now I think it is time.
I guess that was the last straw...
2005 is going to be a year of DIET, no food for the NFamily!!!    
It is very hard concerning NDad, b/c I underestimate the very strong conflict w/ him during my teens. I covered it by Oedipus-like behavior. It is as if my alternatives w/ NDad is : Oedipus or strong conflict.
I noticed he still steps most of the time on my boundaries, and is nice w/ me as long as he can have control. Mostly, out of fear and guilt (even more since his heart attack) I fed his N Supply. I discovered that I am still so scared by him that last year I did not dare to talk about him in a bad way to my NAnalyst (in case NDad may hear it, I guess   )...
As BT  said :

I know it's very difficult to have to shift expectations and hopes about a long standing relationship, or even about having certain people in your life, period.

Communication only through letters w/ my NParents should help me decide whether to keep a relationship w/ NDad. It is the only way I see to get a safer distance and regain my balance, since he never respected the rule of "monthly call" I had asked during all this year.
Next, I guess I will be facing and dealing w/ the huge fear/guilt and abandonment issues (from me, from NDad)..
For now I feel (a bit) lighter than a few weeks ago, but analyzing/facnig the reality was excruciating.
Sorry for renting, but I (badly) needed it..
-RL

[bludie]

For now I feel (a bit) lighter than a few weeks ago, but analyzing/facing the reality was excruciating.

Was it Lao Tzu that said something to the effect that a long journey begins with but a single step? Glad you could face this reality, RL. Not easy but, as I'm told, well worth the journey to wellness. Also, the anger may not feel good right now but could be a stepping stone to forgiveness and acceptance and/or (even better) peace.

Best,
bludie

[BlueTopaz]

Communication only through letters w/ my NParents should help me decide whether to keep a relationship w/ NDad. It is the only way I see to get a safer distance and regain my balance...  

Hi RL,

I'm so glad you are working your way through all this, and beginning to sort it bit by bit, and that you have some emotional relief in feeling even just a bit lighter for the time being.  

It sounds good that you are trying to get where it feels safer for you, and to get to a more balanced place, in order to make more of a final decision on things with your father.

I discovered that I am still so scared by him that last year I did not dare to talk about him in a bad way to my NAnalyst (in case NDad may hear it, I guess )...  

This is such an interesting, and valuable self-observation. I realized the exact same thing about my xN dating partner of 5 years, shortly after I ended things. I had spoken to him after 6 mnths. of zero contact, and realized I was still so afraid of him emotionally. Afraid of how he could affect me emotionally.

I saw this as a major piece of information. Very important. I realized that until I got myself in a place that I was not afraid of this person emotionally, I could never speak with him again. And I also realized that my fear had everything to do with me, not him.

The strong emotional fear of these people, as natural and rightful as it is, can be self-dangerous to us in terms of ongoing compliance and accepting emotionally abusive behavior.

It took me soooo long to understand it when I would hear so often from experts about trust, and that it is not that we don't trust the other, but that we don't trust our ability to deal with what they might do. I only got it about trust, when I applied the same concept to fear, and when I stopped fearing my xN. It may not be that we fear these people (with exceptions of psychotic, stalking, malignant N's) and I am speaking of emotional fear not physical, but it may be that we fear our own reactions and inability to deal with what they might do. Our excruciating pain, our feelings of aloneness, our depression, our hopelessness, our self-esteem/self-worth issues etc...

Someone wrote in another thread that they realized they were the ones that kept the "dance" alive with emotionally unhealthy people in their lives. I can tell you that when I ceased to become emotionally afraid of my xN (which took some time), he lost his "power" over me, and I saw how big a role the emotional fear of my own feelings (but what I thought was a fear of him) played in what had kept me in the dance for 5 years. That sounds so confusing when I re-read it    I hope it isn't.

What I am trying to say, is that the fear going away is not reliant on their changing their behaviors (which would be hopeless most times) but in something we can do to change our perspective. It's so much better knowing the control is really ours, not theirs.

As fear diminishes, so does N's ability to hold such a strong emotional control over us.

Take good care....

BT

[ResilientLady]

Hi BT,
First I would like to thank you for having answered so quickly. Even though I write only now, having read your validation quickly after having written my post, helped lift the weight of my guilt...
Thank you for your insight about the consequences of this emotional fear, how it "makes" me "accepting" emotional abuse.

I am speaking of emotional fear not physical, but it may be that we fear our own reactions and inability to deal with what they might do.

This is a good tool to help reduce our fears, I think I had started applying it intuitively w/o even being aware of it!!
I guess my following fears about cutting contact w/ Nfather are the following :
-fear of abandonment : I guess the first weeks will be reallly tough (just like last year I decided to cut contact w/ NMum for  year).
-fear of "retaliation" (which has probably sthg to do w/ Nsis/Mum)
-fear of being "a bad girl" as he had told me for years.
-fear of physically having to face (even by phone) his anger. A few weeks ago, I heard his voice so loud/"sharp", it always makes me think of a very close thunderstorm. (Maybe that's the  nightmares I had  for years about a sky with thunderstorm color, even today such a sky makes me feel suicidal).

I very recently overcame the (ridiculous) belief that "if I did not comply w/ his desires, he would die of a heart attack by my fault."  I guess the thing I am the most afraid of is "retaliation"...  As an N,  when he sees that he has lost his power over me, he will be ready to do anythg, ie using NMum against me, she is just waiting for the occasion.. And I DO fear NMom a lot, and her poisonous words.

Last but not least, I have noticed that Nfather's behavior had become worst and worst since last August. My assumptions :
-he did not like/was jealous of the fact I went to Poland in search of my ancestors (he kept criticizing/denigrating what I had done),
-he did not accept/was jealous that I started contact w/ Nmother after 1 year of no contact w/ her
-Nmum seeing that I gave her a second chance would have used her new Nfeed to badmouth me more strongly
-just feeling tired about his home projects, he just needed an easy target, which happened to be me (just by chance..)
In fact I am exhausting myself trying to understand his abuse as I tried to understand NMom's abuse. Now I guess I will stick to strong boundaries, ie only letter contact and when I see them (which will not be before 6 months), I will not come by myself but bring one or two frineds w/ me...
I don't know of other strategies to guard myself against them.. (besides moving far away and leaving just a POB, which is what I plan to do in 2-3 years).

Overall what really opened my eyes about N mother/father behavior, is the discovery of N, of parental abuse and of the mechanism of introjection/projection : at the beginning of december, when I heard Nfather talk about his childhood, his behavior/feelings w/ his parents, his life in boarding school... I saw that most of the severe/cruel comments he made to me in the past were the expression of what he felt/feels about himself. As I asked him "innocently" if he remembered the threats he had made to me for years in my childhood/teens, he said no, and laughed.
I could not stand it, even though I said nothing, I felt so shocked.
So I discover that Nfather is using the same mechanisms as Nmother. Both had sad/abused childhoods, introvert or extravert Nism and use me as screens for their projections of suffering/inadequacy and (a lot) of jealousy.
The thing that bothers me the most about recognizing Nfather as such, is(again) the problem of lack of identification/ of a role model. I have always had strong identity problems (drawing father-side genealogy trees w/ empty boxes since the age of 10) and I am afraid this recent discovery is not going to make things better...  
I think also the reason I "protected" Nfather was to have a minimum defense against this so threatennig Nmother. Now that I have identified (some) of the reality/roots of Nmother threat (she told me a bit about her childhood and her feelings at the time of my birth), I guess I find it less frightful now to face reality/start seeing Nfather for who he is exactly.

I do not feel anger nor sadness right now, but numbness. And I know I will have to be very careful in the future concerning interaction w/ either one of them. Too bad I do not have anyone left in this family, but well, that's life I guess.
And it's better to become conscious about it now than at the end of a (ruined) life...
Sorry (again) for this long/not very joyful post ..
And thx again, BT, for having helped me ask myself tough/important questions  
-RL
PS Bludie, as s.o. said in a post, "think about forgiving AFTER you make sure you will not be abused anymore". Which is not my case.  I would even say, IMHO, it is dangerous to give such "advice"... (sorry, pls do not take it personally    again, just my opinion)

[bludie]

Forgiveness and acceptance are an inside job. You don't necessarily need any contact with your abuser in order to forgive. IMHO, when ready, I will truly be free from my ex-N when I am able to forgive and accept what occurred.

Best,
bludie

[ResilientLady]

You don't necessarily need any contact with your abuser in order to forgive

I know that, Bludie. The thing is, each time I forgave an N family member, the "logic" implied that I got closer to the N and then the abuse  got worst.
So I would say IMHO, forgive, yes, BUT only after you give yourself the tools to find and KEEP a safe distance from the N as to not repeat the abuse cycle.
And I agree it is an inside job, b/c if the N hears you have forgiven him/her, he/she may see it as a "weakness" from you, i.e as an opportunity to start the abuse over again. Just my experience.
Consequently, if I follow this logic, an abuser (who still poses a threat) should not know about your forgiving about him/her. Sounds paradoxical, but I don't see any other way... ??
-RL

[Anonymous]

ABSOLUTELY, RL....

BUT only after you give yourself the tools to find and KEEP a safe distance from the N as to not repeat the abuse cycle.

Couldn't agree more. In fact, this is the only way to stop the hurting and prevent future abuse. Thanks for the clarification.

Best,
bludie