Escalating situation with N mother, really need help

[Anonymous]

Yes, your mother is afraid of you because you're not a mental case. And she sees that you have friends and supporters and she doesn't.

My concern despite this, is that she is paranoid and extremely hostile/angry. So I wouldn't consider her a 'safe' person or totally non-risk. I don't know what she would do if she felt cornered. But then, I've never observed her.

Your plan to be surrounded by friends at the church is a good one. I'm glad you're so much better now and I wish you a beautiful week leading up to Christmas.

hang in there,
bunny

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's me but why does this topic warrant 45 posts when the others have several to few? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Because the poster had a problem with an agressive and dangerous Nmother and still has.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,

With my usual old people pleasing ways I started to apologize for posting to this thread so many times after I saw the post asking why this thread had so many posts when others do not.  But I am not going to do that.  There was no reason to begin a new thread and everyone here is free to read or not read any thread that interests them or not....and to reply or not.  Thank you to those who have shared their experiences, wisdom and knowledge with me as I searched for my way.

Things went well this Christmas season.  It was different and at times uncomfortable but most of the time was enjoyable for myself and my family.   I found myself uneasy during times that were not busy...in the shower or as I was trying to fall asleep.  At times it felt like guilt (my mother was 10 minutes away and we did not see her), sometimes it felt like sadness and sometimes it just felt strange (First time in 40 years I have not been with her on Christmas Day).   Each time I felt this way I reminded myself that I was not responsible for any of this and that I had not caused this situation and that it is ok to do what is best for me and for my family.  I was not being vindictive or mean and I did not "exclude" her (as she said many times in voice messages).  She excluded herself by making her presence intolerable.

Thank you again to all of those who provided support and insight.  It made a difference to me.  I've been here this past week, reading other threads, which helped me remember my mother is not the only person with this behavior and reminded me there was nothing I could do to change her behavior.  I know many of you had a very painful holiday season.  I am grateful that while mine felt strange at times it was not particularly painful and was basically trauma free.  

You all have been a very real blessing to me.  I have never been able to use a name when posting but I would like to now.

A sincere thanks from me,

Eloise

[Anonymous]

Eloise,

Glad to be of any help so you could have a nice Christmas. You're 100% right about your mother -- she excluded herself. She's lucky she doesn't have a restraining order on her right now. So you did give her a gift in that regard.

Happy New Year!
bunny

[Anonymous]

Dear Eloise,

This was my third Christmas since my Nparents have disowned me.  My father also has shown dangerous behavior to  my family.  Your story is so similiar to mine.

It's always harder around the holidays and birthdays to deal with this incredible situation, but it gets easier with each passing year.  You will need to grieve the loss of your relationship with your Mother.  Surround yourself with loving family and friends and be grateful for the love you DO have in your life.

God bless you,
Dinny

[Anonymous]

Hi Dinny,

Thanks for your post.  I WISH my mother would disown me!  Sorry, I know that is not funny and I am sure it was and remains very painful for you.  I am learning to laugh at the situation when I can.  I'm still under assault from her but what I've learned is that it doesn't matter what she says or even what she believes.  What matters is what I know to be true.  I know that I am a kind, caring person and it's not my fault that she has always used my good nature as a weapon against me and to control me.  The fact that I won't allow her to do that anymore doesn't change who I am.  But as my therapist has said many times, it is very, very sad because it is all so unneccesary.

Today I had an email from my mother just dripping with sweetness about how much she loves me and my husband and wants to be part of the solution instead of the problem, etc, etc.  Within an hour I had received a voice message dripping with venom about what a terrible person I am, etc, etc.  If I knew my therapist wouldn't shake his finger at me, I would send her a sarcastic email about multiple personalities.  

The funniest thing is she doesn't realize we have blocked her from our phone.  She thinks we have had the phone service suspended.  She wonders how I can run a business from home without a phone..."Your customers are receiving a message saying This number is not accepting calls.  Are you aware of this? Do you think you will stay in business long that way?"  She really hasn't a clue it's only her that can't get through.

Happy New Year,

Eloise

[Anonymous]

Today I had an email from my mother just dripping with sweetness about how much she loves me and my husband and wants to be part of the solution instead of the problem, etc, etc.  Within an hour I had received a voice message dripping with venom about what a terrible person I am, etc, etc.  If I knew my therapist wouldn't shake his finger at me, I would send her a sarcastic email about multiple personalities.

Did your therapist tell you about splitting?

bunny

[Quent]

How do you continue to allow her to even contact you? I mean, if you knew she is unstable why did you even consider allowing your son to go with her? She sounds like she has problems even beyond being a N. She sounds like a psychopath.

You don't need a restraining order. You need a hitman!
A JOKE!!!! A JOKE!!!! A JOKE!!!!

I would definitely get the restraining order and then I would notify the chief of police, the sheriff, and any other person of whom I could think.

[Anonymous]

Hi Bunny,

I haven't seen my therapist since that happened...I'll tell him later in the week.   In my last session, we dealt strictly with strategies for dealing with her should she make an uninvited appearance over the holidays.  We thought of every possible scenario we could brainstorm and then we talked about what I could do.

I'm not sure what he will say.  Probably nothing.

Eloise

[guest 2]

Hi,

I just found this forum and this thread.

I am guessing that my mother is what you all call an "N."  

I worry about your mother stalking you and your son.  She sounds like a bully!!

Anyway, I suggest you just call your local police and go talk to someone.  They know the local laws and can advise you about what to do.  At least have a record with them that you are being harassed by your bullying mother.  It would not hurt to take COPIES of the tapes and e-mail messages to the police department.  

Call the phone company and report the harassment.  You do not have to take it.

As a survivor of a wacked family, I suggest that you detach from your family and enjoy your husband's family for your son's sake.  He does not need to be exposed to her/their bad behavior.  I speak from experience.  My sons are now 23 and 25 and tell me that they hate being with my mother and listening to her whine.   I did not make them dislike her; she did that on her own.  My parents just spent Christmas ALONE.  I am one of four siblings and they were alone.  Big shock.  I had a great time because I did not let them ruin my holiday.  

You will feel better if you realize that your parents OWED YOU a good childhood and you do not owe them ANYTHING.  Don't let your mother bully you.  

Good luck, sweetie.

The sane daughter!