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My give a damn's busted

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Ales2:

--- Quote ---The really sad thing is, for years and years I wanted a normal relationship with her.  I would have given anything for her love and approval.   All I got was manipulation.  Now she claims she wants a normal relationship with me, whatever she thinks of as normal.  And I don't want anything to do with it. First of all, I suspect her idea of normal is exactly what she expected of me as a child: put up, shut up, smile, and pretend everything is perfect. I think I do a pretty good job of that anyway. Secondly, I know from experience that if I give in a little, she will escalate the situation until I have no peace.  She has done this to me before. 

And finally, even if I thought she was capable or interested in having a normal relationship that is honest and emotionally validating for both of us, I don't feel like it. It's mean, I know.  I feel mean even writing this. I don't care. Forty-three years of putting me dead last of everything, of never hearing me or caring who I was or what was happening to me.... putting the needs of my abusers, herself, even random strangers ahead of mine....

Sorry.  It's just too late now.  She wants to be mothered now? Too damn bad.  Where was she when I needed a mother? If she wants a daughter who is loving and caring and sympathetic to her needs now, she should have thought about that then.

Fuck her.
--- End quote ---

Geez Erin, I am right there with you.

In my last conversation, I mentioned that I interviewed for a job and she did not want to consider me getting it and going back to my independence because when that happens she pretty much knows we are DONE.  Her loss will come when I can't be manipulated anymore with money. Its coming soon, I hope. :)

I thought the other day that her betrayal (lying about her financial position and not honoring any kind of inheritance) was actually a beautiful gift for my independence. As resentful as I have been about what my cousins and some friends (with equal family resources) got in terms of financial help, I realize now, its better for me in the end, I will have accomplished more than they have and I won't have anything to owe her for or feel guilty about.

Anyway, its funny when the Ns feel indifference from us. Indifference is more powerful reactant for them than our anger. Anger keeps us entrenched and indifference is a letting go, I dont care, yeah WHAT-EVER and they cant manipulate that.  I dont advocate ever taking a phony attitude or faking a good one, but reacting with indifference can be very liberating.

((((((ERIN))))))

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---I dont advocate ever taking a phony attitude or faking a good one, but reacting with indifference can be very liberating.
--- End quote ---

THIS is very, very true Ales. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm tempted to care TOO much.

KayZee:
((((Erin)))))

You said it, so eloquently:
--- Quote --- First of all, I suspect her idea of normal is exactly what she expected of me as a child: put up, shut up, smile, and pretend everything is perfect. I think I do a pretty good job of that anyway. Secondly, I know from experience that if I give in a little, she will escalate the situation until I have no peace.  She has done this to me before. 
--- End quote ---

These Ns wouldn't know a "normal" relationship if it bit them in the butt.  And more importantly, they'd be unwilling to accept/not sabotage it.  Because in the kind of normal relationship they're so-called "craving," both people are allowed feelings, boundaries and a point of view.  (Sorry, I find myself getting over-heated!  My NM is on one of these why-can't-we-be-a-normal-mother-and-daughter? kicks right now too!)  NMs are all talk when it comes to these things; their actions always speak otherwise.  They say they want peace (yet they cause drama); they want to be a close-knit family unit (yet they pit everyone against each other); they claim or expect us to assume they "love" us, yet they consistently prey on us when we're vulnerable.  I second your "fuck them!"

Anyway, I think you're doing a brilliant job not getting sucked in, gas-lit or manipulated by her.  I'm so sorry so much has been dumped on your plate right now.  Keep sharing here, and IRL with people who can actually hear you, help, relate and empathize.  Forget the Ns who feed on others' bad luck and anxiety. 

all my love, Kay x

Redhead Erin:
Its time to take a step back from her now.  She will be calling in a couple of weeks, wanting to know why I never call her.  Wanting to see me or something.  I am really tired right now, as in just exhausted bone-tired, and the thought of her wanting anything form me just now makes me cringe.  I need some time time to regroup. 

gratitude28:
Hey Erin,
To me the biggest problem here is that you ask her for anything. She will use that in any way she can. You know that a promise means nothing - it is only leverage for control. I would avoid ANY dealings with her of any nature - even if it means getting a loan.
The rest reminds me so much of my NM. She acts by what she can get out of a situation. Feeble, old lady if it gets her attention, capable middle-ager if that works. She makes me sick and I avoid her for almost everything.
Take care and wishing you some inner peace and some space :)
Beth

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