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Hopalong:
Hi Tupp--
I'm wondering if a way to derail yourself from an intense "rescue people so they'll love me" approach to 1-on-1 relationships,
which backfires in your not being appreciated and feeling lonelier...would be to begin to approach relationships that are more
about COMMUNITY BUILDING than they are, at least at first, about 1-on-1 intimacy or bonding?

IOW, though I know I bang on this like a broken record...what if you and your dear boy got involved in an existing, positive
community? I'm always mentioning how for me, it's the Unitarian Universalists, but it could be Quakers, or any liberal denomination,
or a well-run and very well reputed organization of volunteers that embraces family rather than only individual participation.

I think if the focus on other people that you try for a while is "focus on other people while doing something TOGETHER for something
ELSE -- e.g., a cause or purpose or creative endeavor or social change issue" -- THEN, you are more likely to make friends in a
healthier way.

Community really, truly...is healing.

love
Hops

Twoapenny:
Thank you Hopsie, that is definitely something I will think about and try to get into.  I like the suggestion very much.  Thank you :) xx

lighter:

--- Quote from: Twoapenny on November 08, 2012, 10:52:59 AM ---And another one from me!

There have been a couple of texts back and forth with me and my sister this morning.  I don't want to argue about it - particularly not over text - so I've just said fine and don't worry about it.  I've said my bit and been honest about how I feel and now I'm just not going to let anyone in if they turn up unannounced or give out tea and sympathy to anyone that I don't see for any other reason.  Now she's sent me another text saying she is worried about it and me and she's going to let me have time out?  I've no idea what to make of it so I've just put my phone away, I'd be interested in what you all make of that?  Did you feel a pang of rejection/panic/fear when you read your sister would be giving you a time out?  I'm thinking she's either using a terrorist tactic to get you back in line, or she truly doesn't know what you're talkinga bout (bc she's insensitive/clueless or any number of other reasons) and doesn't want to make things worse, or deal with trying to understand.  Honestly, it sounds like everything's about your sister when she's involved in anything.  What really clues me in is her refusal to invite her brother to large festive gatherings....... and she doesn't invite you either.  WTH?  That's cold, thoughtless and selfish conduct, and she isn't able to see that?  Something's busted inside her, Tupp.  She can't do any better, and that leaves you adjusting your expectations, and doing what you have to do. 

As long as you care about how sister views you.... as long as her accusation get the knee jerk reaction she's used to getting from you.... as long as she's able to control your behavior bc you're afraid of being viewed as a cold, heartless, mean person you won't be able to make better choices without terrible guilt/shame and discomfort.  Time to have a come to Jesus with yourself.... I suggest journaling this all out till you've internalized it all and can discuss it with anyone without becomoning triggered by anything anyone says.  THAT is when you start valuing what you think more than what others think of you.  That is when you can make better choices with serenity.  It's not about punishing others, or being cruel.  It's about self care and modeling that for your son.  It's about having a life with reciprocal relationships that require you and your son have your needs met as well. I think my mindset now is it's done, I've said my bit and there's no point discussing it, it now needs to be down to me changing my behaviour and being more assertive, putting myself first and so on.  So I think I'm going to just leave it as it is and do nothing now.

I've also just been to see my friend whose daughter died a few years ago, it's the anniversary today and I just went to take some flowers to her grave and stood there while my friend sobbed in my arms.  She's still in so much pain and probably always will be, it made me think that life is too precious to waste it on people who don't appreciate you xxx  You're right, life is too short.  Now is the time to make the decisions you wouldn't normally make, IMO.  Now is the time to effect change for the better, bc you know better, Tupp.  Lighter

--- End quote ---

Twoapenny:
Lighter, thank you again, I'm feeling fine with it now.  It's funny how you just get to that point where enough's enough.  I'm just leaving it where it is.  If she calls sometimes and wants to meet up for coffee or something that's fine, but I'm not doing any more running around or agony aunt duties and I'm not going to ring her to check she's okay with this (which I think is what she would be expecting).  The phone works in both directions and it's always me that rings so I'm getting on with life and she (and a few others) can do whatever it is they want to.  It feels a bit uncomfortable but I know it's right so I'm just sitting with it.  Thank you xx

lighter:
Tupp:

You sit with it for a while, bc you don't want to fill that discomfort with familiar unhealthy things out of habit.

Once you decide what you won't continue doing, then it's time to decide what you'll replace those things with, which is just as difficult, IMO.

Coming up with new habits is difficult but can be done.

What becomes habits, becomes pleasure; )

Lighter

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