Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How to fend off a gang of jackals?
sKePTiKal:
DHs can be very, very helpful. They want to help - even when they can't completely understand.
Just point out to him, that as uncomfortable, guarded and on-edge as he feels around your NM -- it's worlds worse being you and having to deal with them because of all the history and the fact that they're not "normal". My hubs now dreads any contact my d (A) even more than I do myself. Because of how long it takes me to "wash my brain" and recover my balance afterwards!! LOL. He has confrontation issues - so he withdraws completely (under protest) and leaves me to deal with it alone, or with H. (He is afraid of how awful it is and doesn't want to make it any worse by saying plainly what his feelings are.) I hear ALL about what's going on in his mind afterwards, though. Most of the time, it's really helpful too.
KayZee:
Thank you Bones, Lighter, Hops & PR!
Bones: What I wouldn't give for a moat filled with alligators! I LOVE this image. Gonna wrap it around me like a security blanket when things get tough.
Lighter: So true. I'm coming to accept the fact that there will be no peace--not ever--with my family around. I am very tired, occasionally lonely, but totally unwilling to deal with the constant gang-behavior anymore. I only wish (my x-mas wish!) that they would stop circling me, stop coming at me, stop using the same language and the same mind-fuckery. You're absolutely right; they are the ones who keep creating the conflict and escalating it. It's passive aggressive and crazy-making.
Hops: Thank you. I've had a couple years off from therapy (I just couldn't afford it), and only hope in my new city I can find someone who's the kind of right-match you have with your T! I did a little research tonight and found a T in town who seems really compassionate and experienced in this kind of thing. I only hope she's got the time/inclination to take on new clients and thinks I'm a good fit for her too. Also, I hope I can find the solo-time for therapy with the hardcore breast-feeding I have on the horizon!
P.R.: I know just what you mean about "washing your brain!" It takes days to return to homeostasis, doesn't it? Yes, I imagine it's very hard to be a DH in these situations. And it really doesn't fall on their shoulders to "fix" it. I'm glad, in a way, that DH has limited understanding where FOO is concerned. If he understood the games NM and her cronies play, he'd likely either be N himself or he'd be seriously, deeply messed up from lifelong N-encounters (N-counters?) in the manner that I am. Sending you and your DH lots of strength and love through all those frightening confrontations and tough decisions you've had to make.
Came to the board really wound up tonight, but find you all have already helped me "recover my balance," in P.R.'s words! I'd gotten the below email from GC-sister, and felt deeply upset and depressed about it. It was like NM was speaking through her. She uses the same formal, passive-aggressive tone as my parents. She uses the same excuse as my parents (never in my life has sis given me or my family anything that's "too big to mail"--totally, completely ridiculous). Anyway, I felt totally cornered and gang-attacked again. And I really wanted to lash out at her, but I knew that doing that would only give her and FOO exactly the response that they've been looking for: more reasons to scapegoat, more proof that I have "an anger problem."
So, I kept it brief and unemotionally charged. Just said, essentially: "Sorry. I'm days from my due date and I have limited time, energy, access to the car DH and I share. And it isn't feasible to drive down to see her or schedule a time for her to come to my house." I wanted to ALL-CAPS SCREAM that I wish she would stop talking/acting/harassing/poking/provoking me in the exact same manner of NM. But after a few minutes of blind fury, I realized that I felt bad for her. Because as lost as I feel sometimes, she's lost even worse. She's actually utterly and completely voiceless. She's obliterated herself and vacated her life/will/relationships to make room for my mother. I suspect, deep down, most GCs don't feel privileged or lucky.
Hey Kay,
I hope you are feeling ok, I know you are approaching your due date. When you can, I need you to please pick a date & time that I can drop off the kids' Christmas presents. There's just too much to ship and I would like them to have everything for Christmas morning. I can drive up to the house, or if you would rather, you or your DH can meet me somewhere in between. Just please let me know as soon as you can.
Thanks,
Sis
Twoapenny:
Argh, passive aggressive control is just so difficult to cope with! That note reads perfectly well and the majority of people reading it would think it was completely reasonable. Except - They know your baby's due (and have known you're pregnant for a while) so most people would assume you might not be up to visits/visitors and would have bought gifts to send or sent money for you to buy gifts yourself.
Except - you can mail washing machines so unless they've bought the kids an elephant for Christmas it's kind of hard to imagine what is sooooo huge it can't be posted.
Except - Buying huge presents without consulting the parents first is a bit of a no no in my book. Have you got enough room? Is it something the kids will actually play with? Is it some huge thing your DH will be expected to spend all of Christmas Day putting together?
Except - you've been telling them for months that you don't want to see them - so obviously the sensible thing to do is go and buy something enormous that needs to be delivered.
Except - given the aggro that it's causing most people would have exchanged what they've purchased for something smaller, plus with internet shopping these days you can arrange to have gifts delivered direct or arrange pick ups from local shops. It's not that difficult to arrange.
I feel your frustration! I've been through similar with my lot. Breathe. Focus on your babies. Your new T sounds good - take the baby with you and breast feed all the while! In all honesty Kay, I'd struggle to see how you'd genuinely have time to arrange this incredibly important present exchange with everything you have going on at the moment, even if they were lovely people and you were desperate to see them. Stay true to yourself. You're amazing xx
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: KayZee on December 01, 2012, 11:21:39 PM ---Thank you Bones, Lighter, Hops & PR!
Bones: What I wouldn't give for a moat filled with alligators! I LOVE this image. Gonna wrap it around me like a security blanket when things get tough.
Lighter: So true. I'm coming to accept the fact that there will be no peace--not ever--with my family around. I am very tired, occasionally lonely, but totally unwilling to deal with the constant gang-behavior anymore. I only wish (my x-mas wish!) that they would stop circling me, stop coming at me, stop using the same language and the same mind-fuckery. You're absolutely right; they are the ones who keep creating the conflict and escalating it. It's passive aggressive and crazy-making.
Hops: Thank you. I've had a couple years off from therapy (I just couldn't afford it), and only hope in my new city I can find someone who's the kind of right-match you have with your T! I did a little research tonight and found a T in town who seems really compassionate and experienced in this kind of thing. I only hope she's got the time/inclination to take on new clients and thinks I'm a good fit for her too. Also, I hope I can find the solo-time for therapy with the hardcore breast-feeding I have on the horizon!
P.R.: I know just what you mean about "washing your brain!" It takes days to return to homeostasis, doesn't it? Yes, I imagine it's very hard to be a DH in these situations. And it really doesn't fall on their shoulders to "fix" it. I'm glad, in a way, that DH has limited understanding where FOO is concerned. If he understood the games NM and her cronies play, he'd likely either be N himself or he'd be seriously, deeply messed up from lifelong N-encounters (N-counters?) in the manner that I am. Sending you and your DH lots of strength and love through all those frightening confrontations and tough decisions you've had to make.
Came to the board really wound up tonight, but find you all have already helped me "recover my balance," in P.R.'s words! I'd gotten the below email from GC-sister, and felt deeply upset and depressed about it. It was like NM was speaking through her. She uses the same formal, passive-aggressive tone as my parents. She uses the same excuse as my parents (never in my life has sis given me or my family anything that's "too big to mail"--totally, completely ridiculous). Anyway, I felt totally cornered and gang-attacked again. And I really wanted to lash out at her, but I knew that doing that would only give her and FOO exactly the response that they've been looking for: more reasons to scapegoat, more proof that I have "an anger problem."
So, I kept it brief and unemotionally charged. Just said, essentially: "Sorry. I'm days from my due date and I have limited time, energy, access to the car DH and I share. And it isn't feasible to drive down to see her or schedule a time for her to come to my house." I wanted to ALL-CAPS SCREAM that I wish she would stop talking/acting/harassing/poking/provoking me in the exact same manner of NM. But after a few minutes of blind fury, I realized that I felt bad for her. Because as lost as I feel sometimes, she's lost even worse. She's actually utterly and completely voiceless. She's obliterated herself and vacated her life/will/relationships to make room for my mother. I suspect, deep down, most GCs don't feel privileged or lucky.
Hey Kay,
I hope you are feeling ok, I know you are approaching your due date. When you can, I need you to please pick a date & time that I can drop off the kids' Christmas presents. There's just too much to ship and I would like them to have everything for Christmas morning. I can drive up to the house, or if you would rather, you or your DH can meet me somewhere in between. Just please let me know as soon as you can.
Thanks,
Sis
--- End quote ---
((((((((((((((((((((((Kay Zee))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
As I was reading the e-mail from GC-Sis, I was seeing this image of this wooden marionette/string puppet being manipulated by the EVIL puppet mistress NM while the NM cackles EVILLY like an UGLY wart-nosed BITCHY WITCH. :evil: All that is left of the GC-Sis are empty, wooden eyes and a limp puppet body waiting for the next command by the EVIL puppet mistress.
I'm adding more Klingon warriors to the battlements of the castle and several more outside the castle walls brandishing Bath'Leths!!
Bones
KayZee:
((((Tup)))) I can't quite thank you enough for understanding. Or tell you how comforting it is. How much it means to me.
Yes, to any reasonable person (or in a court of law or something) it would all sound COMPLETELY reasonable, even THOUGHTFUL! That's what bothers me so much. Bums me out. Makes me feel like I am the "crazy one," "the difficult one," "the bad one" (insert a million NM-isms here). The passive aggressiveness is maddening. I can't handle the nastiness disguised as being "loving."
Thank God for DH; real friends; my in-laws; you all on the board; not to mention my wild, kindhearted, self-possessed kids. All those people have taught me what emotional authenticity and real intimacy feels like. I think I know now (well, mostly) how to recognize people who are actually emotionally open, who want to connect and have my best interests at heart. And that is not, NOT how any of this holiday-related garbage with my family feels. Especially, this new stuff coming from my sister--a person who has mostly ignored me for the past five years except to 1) gang up on me with NM or 2) demand I do something for her (gimmme).
(((Bones)))) Thank you for the warriors! The puppet image is spot-on. And weirdly, it brings me right back to that box of puppets NM sent here all those weeks ago. I feel sorry for sis.
These days, in real life, my sis looks exactly as you described. Her eyes are just totally stunned like someone who's been caught by a bright camera flash; they're scared but totally vacant. And when we're together, she doesn't even acknowledge or speak to me. She doesn't speak directly to anyone. She just sits at NM's side like a parrot to a cartoon pirate and echos back everything NM says. I don't know what--if anything--could snap my sister out of the spell she's under. I think her mental health issues run even deeper than mine. And I've often wondered whether she might be BPD; she's got a long history of self-harm and chaos, plus serious emotional UPs and DOWNs that are just exhausting.
It's hard to watch sis trash her relationships, goals, life all for the sake of NM's (obviously never forthcoming) real love and approval. But I've been there myself. I know how frightened my sister must be. And I know how NM can amp up the charm offensive on whoever she finds most useful (a few years of occasional nice treatment and it's all too easy to start thinking NM's not the monster everyone makes her out to be. What IS so-and-so's problem?). We all know how much time, therapy, emotional energy and pain overcoming an N-parent requires. And GC-sis isn't really up for facing all that. She has always been someone who would rather dissociate and mentally "go" elsewhere. Ever since we were kids (and even now) she will shut herself in a room and watch the same DVDs over and over again, literally EVERYDAY, for months at a time. And it's like, she just leaves her body and lets the characters in the story consume her--exactly the same thing she does with my NM.
I've been thinking/feeling a lot about why I'm so upset by GC-sis, enabling-D and their gang-mentality and total mirroring of NM, and at the heart of it: I think it really feels now like NM has destroyed my family. Torched it. And I'm more alone than ever. It's like NM is this flesh-eating zombie who reduces everyone else to zombie behavior and language when she bites them. And yeah, hyperbolic as it is...the loneliness I'm feeling is sort of Apocalyptic. It's, like, there's no humanity left on the planet FOO. But maybe there never has been. Maybe all along, everyone's just been brutal, violent and emotionally starving. I just Googled "How to Kill a Zombie," and the first response was: "The undead are notoriously difficult to kill, the base reason being because they are already dead." Yes, that's it exactly. Everyone in my FOO is already dead. A few years ago, I felt dead too. And am still trying, very slowly, to revive.
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