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How to fend off a gang of jackals?

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KayZee:
Thanks Lighter!  Let’s see, she was...

6 pounds, 14 ounces (my biggest baby yet)

Can’t remember how long!  I need to go back and look it up in her records.  I was so relieved after the speed of it all and still so shocked that I was alone but or F-in-law that I dazed through so many crucial stats!  I remember the midwife asking if I wanted to cut the umbilical chord, but I was just so exhausted, I asked her to do it instead.

At the moment, she has slate-colored eyes the softest downy hair (quite a bit) and it looks pretty dark.  Which is a stark contrast to DD and DS who are very blonde and blue-eyed like my DH’s side of the family.  People tend to think I’m the brunette nanny.

I can honestly, 100 percent say NM acted exactly as I expected her to.  No matter what I did, how I told her, etc. it would have been the “wrong” way and NM would have attacked and punished me for it.  So no big deal there.

I’m so glad FIL was there too!  Looking back, if it had been MIL, I think I might have brought too much expectation to the table (or the delivery room, as it were).  I might have been tempted to look at her TOO much like a surrogate mother and hoped she’d make up for all this NM-grief.  But FIL was just so sweet and clueless!  He wandered in to the room while I was pushing, then quickly (thankfully) ran out, saying, “I don’t need to see this.”  All in all, a pretty funny birth story.

Tupp, thank you!  So nice to have you and the rest of the board to gush to.  I find it so hard, in real life, to celebrate and let the joy out.  I always expect to be punished or taken down a notch.  Residual NM garbage.  Need to find some way to break the association and reset. 

I’m so thankful for that advice about touching base with the in-laws when FOO acts up and everything seems miserable.  They know the score.  NM was so horrible to DH when we first got married.  They see the really weird way my family behaves and I’ve talked about it a bit with MIL and her niece over the past year.  MIL has an alcoholic N-sister that she and my cousin-in-law had to go NC with.  They can both relate, which is an incredible relief.  As I get closer and closer to the in-laws, the harder it is to hide my FOO’s dysfunction.  They’ve been really supportive, and I’m beginning to feel more comfortable leaning on them during the N-insanity.  I used to worry that they’d think I was crazy and toxic because FOO is, but that anxiety is letting up.

Butterfly, I’m so sorry your NM did the same.  I feel a lot like you did.  Not gonna let it get to me.  NM would be “offended” no matter what I did, what choices I made.  She’s tried to stir up drama at every birth (and on any big day); she never misses an opportunity to try to make it about her.  As a new mom you deserved better.  I’d like to think I do too.  But I’m really inspired by your strength.  I’m glad to know you got through it.  Hopefully, I can too.

Thank you, Bones!  Dumb turkeys they are!  And actually, I think turkeys are just as vicious as FOO!  (Watched some great documentary long ago called My Life as a Turkey.)  I think DD is very cute.  But I’m totally biased!

Thank you so much TT and Hops for all your support and advice in these past couple of months.  Hops, you’re my assertiveness guru, and I promise I’ll return the karma someday.  Just logging onto the board makes me feel so much stronger and saner.

KayZee:
So having just typed that last reply, I wish I could end on that good note.  But I feel I've made a mess of it again, and have let myself down.  I let my boundaries get trampled.  I set myself up for attack.  When attacked, I got emotional to the wrong person.  I got sucked into the FOO family drama (again).   I screwed up, basically.  I screwed up bad.

So after NM ignored the invitation to see the baby (fine, and a relief really), my Dad said he was going to drive up today for a couple of hours to see the new baby and drop off those legendary "too-big" x-mas presents. 

*As a side note: the presents are really, aggressively mammoth.  Like, ten huge bags worth of stuff.  Some marked from "Santa" in those giant trash-bag sized sacks.  Shoved it in the storage room (it makes me sick to look at).  There are even some addressed to me, which I might Goodwill without opening.

Anyway...I thought it was good news that Dad was coming alone.  I thought, fine, he'd get to see the new baby and there's no way he'd start anything on his own (without NM there) and with my in-laws there (FOO cares so much about keeping up appearances).  Well, I was totally wrong.  Dad pretty much ignored me, but then, in the rare instances when we were alone together, he would come at me with things it seemed like NM had asked him to say.  Alone in the living room, he said, "Your mother and I would like to Skype with the children every week."  Then, right at the end of the visit, he cornered me in the kitchen when I was alone, put a rather aggressive arm around my shoulder and says, "What's with the blocked phone calls?"

I was not prepared.  I should have prepared!  I should have written down and practiced something I could have said if he did something like this--something I could have recited and then made a quick escape back to DH and the in-laws.  I did the absolutely WORST thing!  I confided EVERY feeling and motivation.  I said, I just needed a month or two break because I couldn't take the bullying from NM.  He said, why block my number then?  And I said, because you act just like her and gang up on me too, and I don't expect more from NM but it just devastates me when it comes from you.  I called NM mentally ill and N (Dad insisted "she isn't").  I cried and said I wouldn't accept headgames, scapegoating, abuse.  I said believe me, I wouldn't choose not to have a mother or a family if I didn't feel it was the only course of action.  Dad recited all this stuff about how "he holds NM in his arms while she cried about how she wants to repair our relationship").  I said, it's not reparable; NM and I HAVE NEVER had a normal, loving, mother-daughter relationship.  I said I needed a break.  I did not have the energy for all the drama, and yet there I was engaging in the drama!  I screamed how dare Dad come at me like that when I KNEW for a fact that he'd been in the same position I'm in, he'd been abused by her too.

Dad stood there dead-eyed the whole time.  And it wasn't until he left that I realized he hadn't said one thing that was empathetic during the conversation (I'd always thought he was capable of empathy, but I'm wrong).  He wasn't affected by anything I was saying.  He showed no concern or emotion at all.  It was like he had a checklist of things NM had instructed him to say and he just went down the list, ticking them off.  Anytime I talked about how I felt, he disregarded it and told me how NM feels. 

If any of my children ever came to me saying the things I told him, I would hold them in my arms and tell them I was so sorry they were hurting.  But Dad just did this robot-thing.  He had a hardness in his eyes.  Then DH wandered in, and Dad pretended as though nothing was wrong.  He just started asking DH about some kitchen gadget we have (a baby food ice cube tray, through out the whole conversation I was trying to make DS dinner). DH said it was the weirdest thing he'd ever experienced.  The way Dad just switched off the conversation/confrontation and pretended everything was fine, while I was sobbing over DS' spaghetti.

Dad then went to the car, and DH followed him and had a talk.  DH told my Dad that he didn't want NM or Dad to contact us for at least six months.  It was the first time DH has ever gotten involved.  And I feel so guilty, sorry and embarrassed about it.  Some tiny sane voice in my head knows I shouldn't.  It says, "After months of this shit, Dad came into my home five days after I gave birth and had a go at me."  But I can't help feeling responsible for my Dad's behavior.  I should have maintained NC, even with the baby's birth and all.  There just felt like no winning.  Like, no matter how many holes I plugged, FOO was going to find some way to burrow in after birth regardless.

I'm really worried too about what's going to happen next.  I can't imagine FOO accepting six months.  Even while Dad was here, he was pushing really hard to know where DD's new school is.  DH said he's going to take in a picture of NM and Dad and warn DD's teachers not to let her go off with them should they turn up.  I've been meaning to do it for months, but I'm just so embarrassed.  Still, I think it's necessary, what with the way Dad was talking.  And DH and I both remember the way NM threatened to snatch my niece from daycare.

Aaagh.  I am in a tailspin.  But I suppose today was another wake-up.  Can't rely on/confide in Dad.  Dad and NM are the same.  Need to start grieving relationship I've never had/will never have with him too.

Hopalong:
This is brilliant:

--- Quote --- DH said he's going to take in a picture of NM and Dad and warn DD's teachers not to let her go off with them should they turn up.  I've been meaning to do it for months, but I'm just so embarrassed.  Still, I think it's necessary, what with the way Dad was talking.  And DH and I both remember the way NM threatened to snatch my niece from daycare.
--- End quote ---
This is so wise. It may never be necessary but it is absolutely the RIGHT thing to do!

And I am so sorry you have the grief over your scrap of a dream about a scrap of empathy from your Dad. I am so sorry.

But I want to say this too: You DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG WHATSOEVER WHEN YOUR DAD WAS THERE.
You behaved like a human being with human wants and needs, and you ARE STILL going to be able to set, draw, and HOLD the boundaries you need to hold. That event in the kitchen doesn't contradict this capability of yours one bit.

You were real, and present, and it didn't produce an outcome you might have wished for. But all you did was behave with integrity and honesty. You acted like a natural human being and there is no punishment if you skip the SELF-punishment. They really don't have any more power over you.

If the long-term result has to be tougher boundaries with your family, both your parents and your sister, well that's the outcome.

But don't add it to a list of things to be mad at yourself for. You did nothing wrong at all.

Enjoy that sublime baby, let each of your children fill your heart with love and knowledge that you have a famlly, and your DH sounds like a wonderful person. It is terrific that he asserted himself with your father and stood up for YOU, repeating YOUR boundary to him. BRAVO.

love and EMPATHY,
Hops

Twoapenny:
Kay, it's early and I'm skimming mail so will write more later, but honestly - you did the right thing.  You were real, you poured your heart out, you were honest, you have feelings.  You did what any sane, rational, healthy human being would do.  You love your family, despite everything, you've tried over and over again to make things better and your reward is this ambush just after you've had a baby.  Hooray for DH!  I'm so glad he stood up for you on this and had a word.  Will write more later but you've handled this like any loving mother would. xx

lighter:
Kay:

I think you needed to tell your father how you really feel.

Just for your own process...... to lay it out there, and know he

had

the

chance

to be appropriate, but couldn't.

Now you know.... he can't.

He never will.

He's broken, like your mother is broken, and they'll never be able to do better.

That's a very hard thing to come to grips with, but IMO you had to have that conversation standing there, crying over spagetti to understand that.

Don't feel bad you let your dad in...... your IL's and husband were there.  NM wasn't.  How bad could it have been, right?

Well, now you know.

That knowing leads to putting proper boundaries in place, and your husband was on top of it, putting them in place, and bless his soul I think he did a smashing job of getting things started.  Not only stating a boundary he understands will be challenged, but thinking about plugging holes proactively.   He's on board, and it's good to have him on your side  Don't feel guilty.  Embrace it, feel fortified, and stay focused on what's important...... you, your family and that new baby.

Don't feel guilty......... he's your partner, and he loves you..... wants to protect you, and sometimes there are things we need protection from.

This is one of those things, Kay.

It's going to be OK.

ps  Now is the time to stick to that thoughtful NC for 6 month rule.  Embrace your husband's stand on this, and enforce it together for your family's sake, not just yours.

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