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How to fend off a gang of jackals?

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Hopalong:
I think ignoring phone calls you don't wish to take is just fine.
Ditto blocking emails.

And ditto the getting busy with things that are positive and productive for you.

I think where you feel most vulnerable is in the weak/frozen/inner "melting" feeling you get when any of them approaches.
All the practical "block" methods are important but what will make them more effective and comfortable over time is inner
work. It's the fact that you feel so vulnerable that makes it so difficult for you to set (and re-set and re-set) and hold boundaries.

Or, that's the only side of it you can control.
If the FOC is going to compulsively reach out, when you don't want them to, you have only two things you can do, both of which are learnable, doable, and will become easier with a lot of support, practice, and time.

1) set boundaries, communicate them clearly, and hold them when they're tested
2) get therapy, support groups, read books, seek assertiveness training, so you don't suffer BEFORE or AFTER you set a boundary

As you begin to do this more consistently and more calmly, and as you begin to feel like a strong and unscared person (this is what is going to happen the more you heal -- you are not doomed to feel your current emotions always, you reallly will begin to feel differently) ... it will be something like "weather" in your life. Times when you've got to stop and deal with it, but you will not take it personally.

love you,
Hops

KayZee:
Thank you Tup!


--- Quote ---I think I was as addicted to feeling bad and being their victim as they were addicted to making me feel that way (I'm not suggesting that's the same for you, just trying to say that it's very healthy that you find yourself wanting space from what they do).

--- End quote ---

I can definitely relate to this, and have been thinking a lot on the matter.  I don't know whether I'm just addicted to the role I've always played in this dysfunctional psychodrama (and it feels weird to step away and let the part go unfilled) or whether there's something almost PTSD-y going on. 

Lately, it's been feeling like the latter.  When this kind of thing goes down, I toss and turn all night long for days afterward.  Even when I do manage to sleep I have horrible weird disjointed nightmares about NM and the rest of family.  Whenever FOO triggers me, I completely shut down for a few days and it feels very hard to live in the present...my body feels like there's a real emergency going on and the threat of danger is real.  I zone out when people are talking to me, miss whole bits of conversation and tv/movies.  Find it difficult not to let high-volume toddler noise/tantrums overwhelm me.

I think it's definitely time to find a good therapist...at least for the next few months before I'm facing expensive health insurance problems again.  I just feel so alone sometimes.  Like there's few people to talk to and even fewer that understand.  The few really well-meaning people I confide in don't seem to get it.  They seem to think  I can't get over whatever childhood stuff happened to me.  But, form where I'm standing, it is all happening right now, every day, in such subtle deniable ways.  I feel FOO's desperation.  All their other scapegoats have gotten the hell out of dodge.  I want to keep myself out of their cross hairs, but I feel so cornered, stalked, surrounded sometimes.

KayZee:
((((Bones)))))

Hugs of thanks!  I think I am going to set up some more blocks today. 

I think I've been holding out hope for years that my sister and I might be able to have a relationship sometime in the far-away future, when she finds some more maturity/inner strength and isn't so dependent on NM.  But the sad fact is: we have never been close.  We have never had a relationship.  NM has always stood firmly between us.  And even, years ago--when I thought we were finally connecting--sis was just reporting everything back to NM in secret, using even banalities about my life to stir the pot, using anything she gathered to fuel the family drama/dysfunction. 

Blocking sis, ignoring her, all of it, feels like finally letting go of the fantasy that it can be okay, that I can have some family ties.  The truth is: everyone my family camp is really, deeply mentally ill.  And the rest of FOO has no interest in facing reality, getting help, healing themselves.  The best I can do is plug on, on my own, and try my very best to get better myself.

KayZee:
Thank you Hops,

It's so reassuring to hear this won't last forever.  That's what I struggle with most: this feeling that there is no escape, that I'll never get out of the cage NM and FOO have put me in. 

This is absolutely how it feels! 
--- Quote ---weak/frozen/inner "melting" feeling you get when any of them approaches.
--- End quote ---
  Just totally debilitating and frightening.  The feeling is deep in my brain, firing off warning sirens to every part of my body, and it lasts for two days before and two days after family contact. 

I would really love to get to the point where any small interaction with FOO doesn't have the capacity to ruin my concentration and emotional well-being for the week.  But at the moment, that seems utterly impossible.  So I think, for the time being, I will have to keep relying on these physical, technological blocks while I try to build up my emotional, inner blocks. 

thank you so much for listening...Kay x

Butterfly:
Oh dear.  I really feel for you.  It is so, so difficult dealing with Ns during a pregnancy.  You need emotional support not emotional sabotage, etc.  You might want to rethink allowing Ns to see the baby post-delivery when you are at a weak/tired point.  Sometimes, the only way to disengage is to end the contact.  It seems the minute you waver and permit a visit, then they increase their attack.  Abusers, beyond even pity. 

Reach out for those who will sustain and love you during this wonderful time!  So glad your in-laws are supportive.  Also, the "toys are too big to mail" routine has been used by my Ns as a ruse to visit and attack.  Don't fall for that one. 

Wishing you comfort, joy and peace.

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