How to fend off a gang of jackals?

[sKePTiKal]

DHs can be very, very helpful. They want to help - even when they can't completely understand.

Just point out to him, that as uncomfortable, guarded and on-edge as he feels around your NM -- it's worlds worse being you and having to deal with them because of all the history and the fact that they're not "normal". My hubs now dreads any contact my d (A) even more than I do myself. Because of how long it takes me to "wash my brain" and recover my balance afterwards!! LOL. He has confrontation issues - so he withdraws completely (under protest) and leaves me to deal with it alone, or with H. (He is afraid of how awful it is and doesn't want to make it any worse by saying plainly what his feelings are.) I hear ALL about what's going on in his mind afterwards, though. Most of the time, it's really helpful too.

[KayZee]

Thank you Bones, Lighter, Hops & PR!

Bones:  What I wouldn't give for a moat filled with alligators!  I LOVE this image.  Gonna wrap it around me like a security blanket when things get tough.
Lighter: So true.  I'm coming to accept the fact that there will be no peace--not ever--with my family around.  I am very tired, occasionally lonely, but totally unwilling to deal with the constant gang-behavior anymore.  I only wish (my x-mas wish!) that they would stop circling me, stop coming at me, stop using the same language and the same mind-fuckery.  You're absolutely right; they are the ones who keep creating the conflict and escalating it.  It's passive aggressive and crazy-making.
Hops:  Thank you.  I've had a couple years off from therapy (I just couldn't afford it), and only hope in my new city I can find someone who's the kind of right-match you have with your T!  I did a little research tonight and found a T in town who seems really compassionate and experienced in this kind of thing.  I only hope she's got the time/inclination to take on new clients and thinks I'm a good fit for her too.  Also, I hope I can find the solo-time for therapy with the hardcore breast-feeding I have on the horizon!
P.R.: I know just what you mean about "washing your brain!"  It takes days to return to homeostasis, doesn't it?  Yes, I imagine it's very hard to be a DH in these situations.  And it really doesn't fall on their shoulders to "fix" it.  I'm glad, in a way, that DH has limited understanding where FOO is concerned.  If he understood the games NM and her cronies play, he'd likely either be N himself or he'd be seriously, deeply messed up from lifelong N-encounters (N-counters?) in the manner that I am.  Sending you and your DH lots of strength and love through all those frightening confrontations and tough decisions you've had to make.

Came to the board really wound up tonight, but find you all have already helped me "recover my balance," in P.R.'s words!  I'd gotten the below email from GC-sister, and felt deeply upset and depressed about it.  It was like NM was speaking through her.  She uses the same formal, passive-aggressive tone as my parents.  She uses the same excuse as my parents (never in my life has sis given me or my family anything that's "too big to mail"--totally, completely ridiculous).  Anyway, I felt totally cornered and gang-attacked again.  And I really wanted to lash out at her, but I knew that doing that would only give her and FOO exactly the response that they've been looking for: more reasons to scapegoat, more proof that I have "an anger problem."

So, I kept it brief and unemotionally charged.  Just said, essentially: "Sorry. I'm days from my due date and I have limited time, energy, access to the car DH and I share.  And it isn't feasible to drive down to see her or schedule a time for her to come to my house."  I wanted to ALL-CAPS SCREAM that I wish she would stop talking/acting/harassing/poking/provoking me in the exact same manner of NM.  But after a few minutes of blind fury, I realized that I felt bad for her.  Because as lost as I feel sometimes, she's lost even worse.  She's actually utterly and completely voiceless.  She's obliterated herself and vacated her life/will/relationships to make room for my mother.  I suspect, deep down, most GCs don't feel privileged or lucky.

Hey Kay,
    I hope you are feeling ok, I know you are approaching your due date.  When you can, I need you to please pick a date & time that I can drop off the kids' Christmas presents.  There's just too much to ship and I would like them to have everything for Christmas morning.  I can drive up to the house, or if you would rather, you or your DH can meet me somewhere in between.  Just please let me know as soon as you can.
 
Thanks,
 Sis

[Twoapenny]

Argh, passive aggressive control is just so difficult to cope with!  That note reads perfectly well and the majority of people reading it would think it was completely reasonable.  Except - They know your baby's due (and have known you're pregnant for a while) so most people would assume you might not be up to visits/visitors and would have bought gifts to send or sent money for you to buy gifts yourself.

Except - you can mail washing machines so unless they've bought the kids an elephant for Christmas it's kind of hard to imagine what is sooooo huge it can't be posted.

Except - Buying huge presents without consulting the parents first is a bit of a no no in my book.  Have you got enough room?  Is it something the kids will actually play with?  Is it some huge thing your DH will be expected to spend all of Christmas Day putting together?

Except - you've been telling them for months that you don't want to see them - so obviously the sensible thing to do is go and buy something enormous that needs to be delivered.

Except - given the aggro that it's causing most people would have exchanged what they've purchased for something smaller, plus with internet shopping these days you can arrange to have gifts delivered direct or arrange pick ups from local shops.  It's not that difficult to arrange.

I feel your frustration!  I've been through similar with my lot.  Breathe.  Focus on your babies.  Your new T sounds good - take the baby with you and breast feed all the while!  In all honesty Kay, I'd struggle to see how you'd genuinely have time to arrange this incredibly important present exchange with everything you have going on at the moment, even if they were lovely people and you were desperate to see them.  Stay true to yourself.  You're amazing xx

[BonesMS]

Thank you Bones, Lighter, Hops & PR!

Bones:  What I wouldn't give for a moat filled with alligators!  I LOVE this image.  Gonna wrap it around me like a security blanket when things get tough.
Lighter: So true.  I'm coming to accept the fact that there will be no peace--not ever--with my family around.  I am very tired, occasionally lonely, but totally unwilling to deal with the constant gang-behavior anymore.  I only wish (my x-mas wish!) that they would stop circling me, stop coming at me, stop using the same language and the same mind-fuckery.  You're absolutely right; they are the ones who keep creating the conflict and escalating it.  It's passive aggressive and crazy-making.
Hops:  Thank you.  I've had a couple years off from therapy (I just couldn't afford it), and only hope in my new city I can find someone who's the kind of right-match you have with your T!  I did a little research tonight and found a T in town who seems really compassionate and experienced in this kind of thing.  I only hope she's got the time/inclination to take on new clients and thinks I'm a good fit for her too.  Also, I hope I can find the solo-time for therapy with the hardcore breast-feeding I have on the horizon!
P.R.: I know just what you mean about "washing your brain!"  It takes days to return to homeostasis, doesn't it?  Yes, I imagine it's very hard to be a DH in these situations.  And it really doesn't fall on their shoulders to "fix" it.  I'm glad, in a way, that DH has limited understanding where FOO is concerned.  If he understood the games NM and her cronies play, he'd likely either be N himself or he'd be seriously, deeply messed up from lifelong N-encounters (N-counters?) in the manner that I am.  Sending you and your DH lots of strength and love through all those frightening confrontations and tough decisions you've had to make.

Came to the board really wound up tonight, but find you all have already helped me "recover my balance," in P.R.'s words!  I'd gotten the below email from GC-sister, and felt deeply upset and depressed about it.  It was like NM was speaking through her.  She uses the same formal, passive-aggressive tone as my parents.  She uses the same excuse as my parents (never in my life has sis given me or my family anything that's "too big to mail"--totally, completely ridiculous).  Anyway, I felt totally cornered and gang-attacked again.  And I really wanted to lash out at her, but I knew that doing that would only give her and FOO exactly the response that they've been looking for: more reasons to scapegoat, more proof that I have "an anger problem."

So, I kept it brief and unemotionally charged.  Just said, essentially: "Sorry. I'm days from my due date and I have limited time, energy, access to the car DH and I share.  And it isn't feasible to drive down to see her or schedule a time for her to come to my house."  I wanted to ALL-CAPS SCREAM that I wish she would stop talking/acting/harassing/poking/provoking me in the exact same manner of NM.  But after a few minutes of blind fury, I realized that I felt bad for her.  Because as lost as I feel sometimes, she's lost even worse.  She's actually utterly and completely voiceless.  She's obliterated herself and vacated her life/will/relationships to make room for my mother.  I suspect, deep down, most GCs don't feel privileged or lucky.

Hey Kay,
    I hope you are feeling ok, I know you are approaching your due date.  When you can, I need you to please pick a date & time that I can drop off the kids' Christmas presents.  There's just too much to ship and I would like them to have everything for Christmas morning.  I can drive up to the house, or if you would rather, you or your DH can meet me somewhere in between.  Just please let me know as soon as you can.
 
Thanks,
 Sis

((((((((((((((((((((((Kay Zee))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


As I was reading the e-mail from GC-Sis, I was seeing this image of this wooden marionette/string puppet being manipulated by the EVIL puppet mistress NM while the NM cackles EVILLY like an UGLY wart-nosed BITCHY WITCH.     All that is left of the GC-Sis are empty, wooden eyes and a limp puppet body waiting for the next command by the EVIL puppet mistress.

I'm adding more Klingon warriors to the battlements of the castle and several more outside the castle walls brandishing Bath'Leths!! 

Bones

[KayZee]

((((Tup)))) I can't quite thank you enough for understanding.  Or tell you how comforting it is.  How much it means to me. 

Yes, to any reasonable person (or in a court of law or something) it would all sound COMPLETELY reasonable, even THOUGHTFUL!  That's what bothers me so much.  Bums me out.  Makes me feel like I am the "crazy one," "the difficult one," "the bad one" (insert a million NM-isms here).  The passive aggressiveness is maddening.  I can't handle the nastiness disguised as being "loving." 

Thank God for DH; real friends; my in-laws; you all on the board; not to mention my wild, kindhearted, self-possessed kids.  All those people have taught me what emotional authenticity and real intimacy feels like.  I think I know now (well, mostly) how to recognize people who are actually emotionally open, who want to connect and have my best interests at heart.  And that is not, NOT how any of this holiday-related garbage with my family feels.  Especially, this new stuff coming from my sister--a person who has mostly ignored me for the past five years except to 1) gang up on me with NM or 2) demand I do something for her (gimmme).

(((Bones)))) Thank you for the warriors!  The puppet image is spot-on.  And weirdly, it brings me right back to that box of puppets NM sent here all those weeks ago.  I feel sorry for sis. 

These days, in real life, my sis looks exactly as you described.  Her eyes are just totally stunned like someone who's been caught by a bright camera flash; they're scared but totally vacant.  And when we're together, she doesn't even acknowledge or speak to me.  She doesn't speak directly to anyone.  She just sits at NM's side like a parrot to a cartoon pirate and echos back everything NM says.  I don't know what--if anything--could snap my sister out of the spell she's under.  I think her mental health issues run even deeper than mine.  And I've often wondered whether she might be BPD; she's got a long history of self-harm and chaos, plus serious emotional UPs and DOWNs that are just exhausting. 

It's hard to watch sis trash her relationships, goals, life all for the sake of NM's (obviously never forthcoming) real love and approval.  But I've been there myself.  I know how frightened my sister must be.  And I know how NM can amp up the charm offensive on whoever she finds most useful (a few years of occasional nice treatment and it's all too easy to start thinking NM's not the monster everyone makes her out to be.  What IS so-and-so's problem?).  We all know how much time, therapy, emotional energy and pain overcoming an N-parent requires.  And GC-sis isn't really up for facing all that.  She has always been someone who would rather dissociate and mentally "go" elsewhere.  Ever since we were kids (and even now) she will shut herself in a room and watch the same DVDs over and over again, literally EVERYDAY, for months at a time.  And it's like, she just leaves her body and lets the characters in the story consume her--exactly the same thing she does with my NM.

I've been thinking/feeling a lot about why I'm so upset by GC-sis, enabling-D and their gang-mentality and total mirroring of NM, and at the heart of it: I think it really feels now like NM has destroyed my family.  Torched it.  And I'm more alone than ever.  It's like NM is this flesh-eating zombie who reduces everyone else to zombie behavior and language when she bites them.  And yeah, hyperbolic as it is...the loneliness I'm feeling is sort of Apocalyptic.  It's, like, there's no humanity left on the planet FOO.  But maybe there never has been.  Maybe all along, everyone's just been brutal, violent and emotionally starving.  I just Googled "How to Kill a Zombie," and the first response was: "The undead are notoriously difficult to kill, the base reason being because they are already dead."  Yes, that's it exactly.  Everyone in my FOO is already dead.  A few years ago, I felt dead too.  And am still trying, very slowly, to revive.

[Twoapenny]

I think we close our eyes to the reality of it in order to cope.  We accept bits a little at a time.  We move back and forth, we can cope, we can't, we're being too harsh, we're not harsh enough, we're crazy and selfish, they're crazy and selfish.  A punch in the face is what it is, it leaves a bruise, we can show other people and they say "Ouch" and most people consider it unacceptable.  A 'loving' note about Christmas gifts speaks volumes by what it doesn't say and address, most other people can't see what we do, they think we're making a fuss over nothing, they can't see the hurt and we wonder if they're right.  I think it's a bit like fixing a car - most of us can put the petrol in, pump the tyres up and check the oil, but you have to really know your stuff to get to the heart of the matter if it doesn't start.  Stick with the people who get it!  They're the ones who help the most.

And I did think, maybe you could tell your sis you'll come pick the presents up when she finishes that script she wants you to send to your friend?  That might hold her off for another five years xx

[KayZee]

Ah (((Tup)))!  You're spectacular.  Thank you for getting it!!  This made me laugh out loud:

And I did think, maybe you could tell your sis you'll come pick the presents up when she finishes that script she wants you to send to your friend?  That might hold her off for another five years Wink xx

[BonesMS]

((((Tup)))) I can't quite thank you enough for understanding.  Or tell you how comforting it is.  How much it means to me. 

Yes, to any reasonable person (or in a court of law or something) it would all sound COMPLETELY reasonable, even THOUGHTFUL!  That's what bothers me so much.  Bums me out.  Makes me feel like I am the "crazy one," "the difficult one," "the bad one" (insert a million NM-isms here).  The passive aggressiveness is maddening.  I can't handle the nastiness disguised as being "loving." 

Thank God for DH; real friends; my in-laws; you all on the board; not to mention my wild, kindhearted, self-possessed kids.  All those people have taught me what emotional authenticity and real intimacy feels like.  I think I know now (well, mostly) how to recognize people who are actually emotionally open, who want to connect and have my best interests at heart.  And that is not, NOT how any of this holiday-related garbage with my family feels.  Especially, this new stuff coming from my sister--a person who has mostly ignored me for the past five years except to 1) gang up on me with NM or 2) demand I do something for her (gimmme).

(((Bones)))) Thank you for the warriors!  The puppet image is spot-on.  And weirdly, it brings me right back to that box of puppets NM sent here all those weeks ago.  I feel sorry for sis. 

These days, in real life, my sis looks exactly as you described.  Her eyes are just totally stunned like someone who's been caught by a bright camera flash; they're scared but totally vacant.  And when we're together, she doesn't even acknowledge or speak to me.  She doesn't speak directly to anyone.  She just sits at NM's side like a parrot to a cartoon pirate and echos back everything NM says.  I don't know what--if anything--could snap my sister out of the spell she's under.  I think her mental health issues run even deeper than mine.  And I've often wondered whether she might be BPD; she's got a long history of self-harm and chaos, plus serious emotional UPs and DOWNs that are just exhausting. 

It's hard to watch sis trash her relationships, goals, life all for the sake of NM's (obviously never forthcoming) real love and approval.  But I've been there myself.  I know how frightened my sister must be.  And I know how NM can amp up the charm offensive on whoever she finds most useful (a few years of occasional nice treatment and it's all too easy to start thinking NM's not the monster everyone makes her out to be.  What IS so-and-so's problem?).  We all know how much time, therapy, emotional energy and pain overcoming an N-parent requires.  And GC-sis isn't really up for facing all that.  She has always been someone who would rather dissociate and mentally "go" elsewhere.  Ever since we were kids (and even now) she will shut herself in a room and watch the same DVDs over and over again, literally EVERYDAY, for months at a time.  And it's like, she just leaves her body and lets the characters in the story consume her--exactly the same thing she does with my NM.

I've been thinking/feeling a lot about why I'm so upset by GC-sis, enabling-D and their gang-mentality and total mirroring of NM, and at the heart of it: I think it really feels now like NM has destroyed my family.  Torched it.  And I'm more alone than ever.  It's like NM is this flesh-eating zombie who reduces everyone else to zombie behavior and language when she bites them.  And yeah, hyperbolic as it is...the loneliness I'm feeling is sort of Apocalyptic.  It's, like, there's no humanity left on the planet FOO.  But maybe there never has been.  Maybe all along, everyone's just been brutal, violent and emotionally starving.  I just Googled "How to Kill a Zombie," and the first response was: "The undead are notoriously difficult to kill, the base reason being because they are already dead."  Yes, that's it exactly.  Everyone in my FOO is already dead.  A few years ago, I felt dead too.  And am still trying, very slowly, to revive.

((((((((((((((((Kay Zee)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

KZ I wonder whether there's a chance a carload of presents will arrive on your porch, soon.

Do you have a serenity-strategy for how you'll handle that, if your sister does deliver them regardless?

Maybe having a PRE-plan would help you feel in control. So you are not allowing your serenity to be hijacked again.

She's an addict (to the N-system), she can't change, so reasonable replies to her are kind of as useless as with your mother.

How about a PRE-plan of:
--not answering the door
--removing all delivered gifts to the car immediately, and on to Goodwill unopened
etc?

Is that what you need? Or if not, what are some ways you could have your boundary CLEARLY
defined in advance, so whatever she or they do, you will know what YOU will do?

That puts you back in control of your own inner space.

love
Hops

[KayZee]

Oh, Hops.  You are so psychic....that or these N-games are so depressingly predictable.  Thanks for suggesting a pre-plan.  That would definitely help me feel more in control, I think.  If NM, G-sis, anyone shows up here uninvited, I think I'm just going to bundle everyone into the car and say we have plans we can't break.

Anyway, I read your post right after I got the following from sis:

I can leave them on the driveway, it will no way inconvenience you. I love your kids, I picked out gifts for your kids, and I cant fathom any rational reason why they should go to waste.  So with your permission, I would like to drive them up and ill leave them on your driveway.

It seriously makes my blood boil.  As does the fact that I got an almost simultaneous email from my NM.  What is WRONG with these email blocks--they don't seem to be working?  And I am at the end of my rope with NM and G-sis working in tandem!!

Still, I am refusing to blow up.  That is exactly what they want and I will not give it to them.  Responded to g-sis with the following.  This is the only way DH and I can think to handle this: let whole dysfunctional FOO come by for an hour after the baby is born, while my in-laws are still here for emotional support and vicarious sanity.  Having sent it, will try to figure out how the hell to restore these constantly failing e-boundaries.


We are very grateful for the thought/care you put into Christmas.  I will be in touch with you after we have the baby, and we can arrange a time for you (plus mom and dad) to come visit for the afternoon and bring your presents.  Until I have the baby, I can't make these plans.  I really hope you can find some way to understand and empathize with that.  We are having a baby.  Until the baby comes, we just can't commit to specific dates and have a lot on our plates/minds.  Kay x

They are making me insane.

[Butterfly]

Yikes.  Sis's emails are not nice and even a person without N connections should be able to catch the tone.  Notice that even though she mentions your approaching due date, she says nothing about the baby--it is as if your pregnancy is simply an inconvenience to her.  Notice, too, her bullying:  "I need you to . . ." so that "I can drop ..." and "I would like ..." so that you "can meet me" and "as soon as you can."  Her email may mention gifts for your kids but it is really all about her need to control you.

And, her second email, where she mentions that she "can't fathom any rational reason why the toys should go to waste," is nothing but a verbal attack on you.  Basically, she is telling you that you are the crazy one.  And, does she really thinkg that dumping a pile of crap on your driveway is not an inconvenience??  I like Hops' suggestions.  Yes, good to have a plan.  If she drops off packages in the driveway, would that hamper your ability to get the car out and get to the hospital when the baby comes?  I smell some sort of sabotage.  Maybe it would help to have DH read some of the posts?? 

Thoughts and prayers for you, KayZee. 



PS:  One Christmas I received a package addressed to my daughters containing N Mom's old goves and scarves.  The items were drenched in her perfume.  It was disgusting and I immediately tossed the entire package in the garbage.  Since then, I have had no trouble binning whatever comes. 

[KayZee]

Old gloves and scarves! Why do Ns think so highly of their cast-offs and secondhand trash?  My NM has spent the past couple of years doing the same.  Dumping all sorts of crap off here because she wants to "downsize" (i.e. make room in her house so she can compulsively overspend on all new stuff), and DH and I are supposed to be, like, so honored and grateful.  It's like NM thinks the fact that she once owned it increases its beauty and value.

Whew... Thanks for understanding, Butterfly.  My rational mind knows that they're the ones behaving crazy.  I mean, it is batshit insane to tell someone you're going to drive up to their house, dump a bunch of stuff on their driveway and peel away into the night.  But, it all feels like such a set-up--such a game to make me appear difficult and crazy--that occasionally, at times, it's really hard not to succumb to feeling like I'm to blame.

GC-sis has always needed instant gratification.  And in the past five years or so, it's only gotten worse.  She's seriously chaotic.  She only calls when she's in a manic state, foaming at the mouth with grandiose plans or demanding things.  I'm gonna try not to take it too personally.  Seems like the thing she really desperately wants (to be my NM's protector and hero) has very little to do with Christmas, my kids or me. 

I'm not sure GC-sis realizes the way NM is using and gaslighting her.  This all still seems like it's in reaction to that time, all those months ago, when I told NM she was not allowed to show up at my house uninvited.  Feels like NM has created this scenario where now GC-sis (who has barely said two words to me in five years, let alone accepted any invitation to come visit) is now charging down my door to see me, leading me to turn her away, leading her to complain about me to NM and, voile, in NM's mind she still doesn't have to admit to herself that I'm a separate person with separate priorities and boundaries or that she's done anything wrong.  The only thing that makes me really uncomfortable is GC-sis' history of getting volatile and violent when she's protecting my parents.  The last time she played NM's attack dog, she tried to hit me.

I wonder if subtracting myself from the family drama has just made them all feel deeply unsettled, angry and scared.  And the worst part is, likely, now that I'm ignoring them/keeping to myself, they don't even know who to take those uncomfortable emotions out on.  Gonna try to hold my distance and store up some strength.  Because I'm really ready to NC definitively, in no uncertain terms, for good, and I fear this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

[BonesMS]

Old gloves and scarves! Why do Ns think so highly of their cast-offs and secondhand trash?  My NM has spent the past couple of years doing the same.  Dumping all sorts of crap off here because she wants to "downsize" (i.e. make room in her house so she can compulsively overspend on all new stuff), and DH and I are supposed to be, like, so honored and grateful.  It's like NM thinks the fact that she once owned it increases its beauty and value.

Whew... Thanks for understanding, Butterfly.  My rational mind knows that they're the ones behaving crazy.  I mean, it is batshit insane to tell someone you're going to drive up to their house, dump a bunch of stuff on their driveway and peel away into the night.  But, it all feels like such a set-up--such a game to make me appear difficult and crazy--that occasionally, at times, it's really hard not to succumb to feeling like I'm to blame.

GC-sis has always needed instant gratification.  And in the past five years or so, it's only gotten worse.  She's seriously chaotic.  She only calls when she's in a manic state, foaming at the mouth with grandiose plans or demanding things.  I'm gonna try not to take it too personally.  Seems like the thing she really desperately wants (to be my NM's protector and hero) has very little to do with Christmas, my kids or me.  

I'm not sure GC-sis realizes the way NM is using and gaslighting her.  This all still seems like it's in reaction to that time, all those months ago, when I told NM she was not allowed to show up at my house uninvited.  Feels like NM has created this scenario where now GC-sis (who has barely said two words to me in five years, let alone accepted any invitation to come visit) is now charging down my door to see me, leading me to turn her away, leading her to complain about me to NM and, voile, in NM's mind she still doesn't have to admit to herself that I'm a separate person with separate priorities and boundaries or that she's done anything wrong.  The only thing that makes me really uncomfortable is GC-sis' history of getting volatile and violent when she's protecting my parents.  The last time she played NM's attack dog, she tried to hit me.

I wonder if subtracting myself from the family drama has just made them all feel deeply unsettled, angry and scared.  And the worst part is, likely, now that I'm ignoring them/keeping to myself, they don't even know who to take those uncomfortable emotions out on.  Gonna try to hold my distance and store up some strength.  Because I'm really ready to NC definitively, in no uncertain terms, for good, and I fear this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

Morning, (((((((((((((((((((((((Kay Zee)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).

As I was reading the last paragraph regarding the N's unsettled reactions to your going NC, the image that came to my mind was a large mobile that John Bradshaw used to illustrate one of his talks.  He describes this scenario in his book:  "John Bradshaw On:  The Family - A Revolutionary Way of Self-Discovery".  He used this mobile as an analogy for the family as a system and how, within a dysfunctional family, the dysfunctional ones will go to any length to maintain the status quo when one member starts recovering from the dysfunction and abuse.  (When I was watching this lecture on PBS several years ago, a light bulb went on.  When I was able to attend one of his workshops 20 years ago, I finally began to understand why I was self-medicating.  All of this before I understood N's and NPD.)

I'll have to look and see if this book is still available through Amazon or not.


Edit in:  Amazon still has this book along with an updated edition of it.

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

I wonder if subtracting myself from the family drama has just made them all feel deeply unsettled, angry and scared.  And the worst part is, likely, now that I'm ignoring them/keeping to myself, they don't even know who to take those uncomfortable emotions out on.

This is deeply insightful, kiddo.
The fact is, they're used to having you as a target, someone to pick on and at, someone to put down... to help them pretend they are "superior". It always seems to me, this is their raison d'etre.

So, when I suggest simply not playing their game - just stopping, no drama (which deprives them of another finger-point gloat) - this is why. Yep, it's true - they're beside themselves looking for a new target. My mom picked my sis-in-law... and GC-bro... while he tries to "make nice words" at his wife... is still completely under mom's thumb. So he can't take the stress and has arranged his life so that he's seldom home. Which leaves everyone else in a tense, with lots of explosive undercurrents, stalemate. Mom doesn't even call me to re-run her complaining, victim tape -- unless there's no one home... and I can only imagine, it's because she'd be called on her lies, right then and there. There are patterns that run through these situations that are predictable, sure. There's always some unique environmental and interpersonal details, too.

What you need is a total sensory cone of N-silence!! Where it's not even in your brain... not even a passing thought. I'm gonna prescribe something off the wall - fantasy island! Imagine yourself a place that your family can't intrude on -- whether it's a fortress or on another planet -- or they just can't find you. Invest some time in the details of the place: smells, touch, the works. Populate it with people you like. You have carte blanche -- so if you need a hunky looking pool boy to wait on you hand and foot - so be it! Or a pony... or whatever it might be that satisfies your whim of the moment - a mountain of chocolate??  (lol...) This is now your "happy place". Twice a day, drop in and see what's going on in your happy place... and hang out there. Even if it's only a couple minutes - since little ones have their own inner schedules - even that couple minutes will become part of your "normal" waking consciousness. And that helps to balance out -- and turn the binoculars around so that these N-things now look smaller and less important to you -- than when they proved the car mirror warning:

"objects may appear larger than in reality". Or something like that! hahaha!

[Twoapenny]

Aw, Kay, if it helps at all what you describe is pretty much word for word what my lot did to me over the years and I am so much happier and healthier now that I'm not around them - I'm hoping that will give you hope for the future?

They probably will up the ante, as you quite rightly notice, they will be looking for a new target if you no longer take on that role.  My mum went through the roof when I stopped talking to her.  She hassled people that knew me outside school gates, went up to friends of mine at their place of work, got my younger sister to her dirty work for her, bad mouthed me to anyone that would listen (I've heard some incredibly stories about things I'm supposed to have done) and completely alienated me from the entire family and lots of family friends and so on.  It was so, so hard and I can't tell you how many times I've cried, sobbed, wailed, wanted to punch things and just gone round and round in my head because of the whole thing.  But eventually she just gave up, I think because she basically ran out of things to do because she just didn't get a reaction.  I've focused on my own life and just tried as hard as I can to ignore her, and slowly my life grew and got stronger and it's like they all got weaker and weaker.  There's something almost vampirific about the relationship, as if they get their life blood from sapping yours?  You're doing the right thing, just keep practising those boundaries, it honestly does get easier over time xx