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Bullying Email from N-stepdaughter to DH
Butterfly:
Every year, same old tired attempts to control. DH's abusive N ex-wife tries to control his access to his grown children and uses those same grown children to do the dirty work. (DH divorced her over thirty years ago.) DH emailed grown children to invite them to visit us while they were in town during the holidays, offering to have them over for a meal, etc. Both grown children are over age 35 and are financially successful and physically healthy. Co-D stepson did not respond to the invitation at all. And, instead of responding to our invitation, here is whate N-stepdaughter wrote:
"So Dad can you come over to our house [meaning DH's ex-wife's house which is about a fifteen-minute drive away from our home] on the 26th? Mom said she would leave, no problem, if you don't feel like visiting with her. It would really help us out, since [Co-D stepson] and I both are traveling to get to [your state], we hoped you could travel to our neck of the woods! We'll have snacks for the kiddos and we can all just hang out and catch up. Let me know what time works for you guys.
I'll see you in 2 weeks! Can't wait. Been way too long."
Here is what I see:
- Ignored our invitation; wants to control where, when; no consideration for me, DH or my kids;
- Paints ex-wife as the martyr, the one who will sacrifice home, hearth and comfort, so that DH can see his kids without ex-wife being there;
- N step-daughter calls her mom's house "our house" as if she and stepson are little children and DH is the dad who abandoned them (which was not the case)
- laying on the guilt trip by saying "it would really help us out" - How would it help them out? They can't drive for fifteen minutes to see their father and siblings?
Or perhaps drive to a nearby restaurant to have a meal with us? Does the visit have to be at ex-wife's house?
- and the final straw - does not even ask us if this suits or if the date suits but simply wants to know what time we will be there.
Egad! Okay, I told you what I see in the email. Please, oh wise ones, tell me what you see? I would be so grateful.
Butterfly
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Butterfly on December 13, 2012, 10:24:00 PM ---Every year, same old tired attempts to control. DH's abusive N ex-wife tries to control his access to his grown children and uses those same grown children to do the dirty work. (DH divorced her over thirty years ago.) DH emailed grown children to invite them to visit us while they were in town during the holidays, offering to have them over for a meal, etc. Both grown children are over age 35 and are financially successful and physically healthy. Co-D stepson did not respond to the invitation at all. And, instead of responding to our invitation, here is whate N-stepdaughter wrote:
"So Dad can you come over to our house [meaning DH's ex-wife's house which is about a fifteen-minute drive away from our home] on the 26th? Mom said she would leave, no problem, if you don't feel like visiting with her. It would really help us out, since [Co-D stepson] and I both are traveling to get to [your state], we hoped you could travel to our neck of the woods! We'll have snacks for the kiddos and we can all just hang out and catch up. Let me know what time works for you guys.
I'll see you in 2 weeks! Can't wait. Been way too long."
Here is what I see:
- Ignored our invitation; wants to control where, when; no consideration for me, DH or my kids;
- Paints ex-wife as the martyr, the one who will sacrifice home, hearth and comfort, so that DH can see his kids without ex-wife being there;
- N step-daughter calls her mom's house "our house" as if she and stepson are little children and DH is the dad who abandoned them (which was not the case)
- laying on the guilt trip by saying "it would really help us out" - How would it help them out? They can't drive for fifteen minutes to see their father and siblings?
Or perhaps drive to a nearby restaurant to have a meal with us? Does the visit have to be at ex-wife's house?
- and the final straw - does not even ask us if this suits or if the date suits but simply wants to know what time we will be there.
Egad! Okay, I told you what I see in the email. Please, oh wise ones, tell me what you see? I would be so grateful.
Butterfly
--- End quote ---
I see the same things you do.....control, manipulation, with the EX pulling the strings of the puppets that she is using as extensions of herself.
Bones
mudpuppy:
--- Quote ---Please, oh wise ones, tell me what you see?
--- End quote ---
I didn't have any wise ones handy, so I'll take a crack at it instead;
I see a couple of spiders inviting a couple of flies over to their web.
I'm figuring you two are the "snacks" she refers to.
mud
lighter:
B:
I think you and your h could respond with something like this without causing big problems, and allowing yourself options:
"Dear Daughter:
We'd love to see you on the 26th, and have made reservations at (Insert acceptable restaurant around corner from Mother's house.) Please let your mother know it was very kind of her to offer her home for the visit, but we've solved the issue of travel time, and she's off the hook.
See you on the 26th!
Love,
Dad and stepmom"
I don't think visiting with them at step mom's would be comfortable for anyone....... what can they say if they only have to travel around the corner to visit with you at another location?
Lighter
Butterfly:
Thank you, all!
Bones - you are so right. They are puppets. So even if N ex-wife is not going to be there, her cohorts will do the same amount of damage.
Mud - That is exactly how I feel - as if I am walking into the lair of evil and I will either have to leave quickly or be prepared to be chewed up.
Lighter - Thank you for the suggestion!!! We are copying it almost verbatim. (It was much more diplomatic than my own response.) And, DH feels comfortable with your words.
Now for the hard part - not letting this upset my family's peace and dealing with the result of not capitulating in a positive way. I think I can do it, but I worry about DH . . .
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