Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
My mum is ill
Twoapenny:
Thank you, Phoenix. I completely agree with everything you've said there, particularly the bit about feeling lower than a worm. My reaction in myself when I say no to someone (or even just don't respond immediately) is terrible - i don't know why I haven't noticed it before!
Today, for example, we've battled through the snow to get some groceries in so it's taken much longer to do than it normally would. When I got home there was a message from a friend asking if she could pop round. I had some stuff I wanted to do, phone calls I wanted to make and so on but I found it so hard to resist the urge to text her and say yes, come over. Then she turned up anyway with another friend (again, no boundaries on my part) and I didn't say anything, just let them in and felt moany and resentful. They left, and then later she texted wanted to come back over and I felt guilty for saying no and made an excuse about not feeling well. I want to be able to either just ignore it (but if I do that people turn up anyway sometimes and I find that difficult to cope with) or say honestly, no, I fancy a quiet night in on my own. Something to work on!
I do need to make more effort to reach out and make new friends, and to do more things for me, for no reason other than I like them. I've thought about voluntary work some more as well. I do genuinely enjoy helping people and caring for them, but it would be better to help those who genuinely need it, homeless people maybe, or the elderly. That way I'd get my fix of helping out whilst genuinely doing some good for someone in a difficult situation. I'd just need to make sure not to over commit myself. Thank you for all the thoughts and feedback.
Bonesie - I'm sorry that you can relate! Sometimes the board is bittersweet - having people understand is amazing but knowing they understand because they've been hurt badly as well makes me sad :( Bad things happening to nice people, it's not right. Thank you for the hug (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
BonesMS:
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hopalong:
Hi ((((Tupp))))
I was talking to my T today and he pointed out how the "original wound" just
keeps getting re-enacted and processed over and over in life, and how normal
that is, and how everyone as they work through their own life story, is reaching
for that point where they actually can change the script.
I hear your "original hurt" when you are not appreciated, or taken for granted,
or feel unable to assert yourself without anguish.
I LOVE that you are such a durable soul that you keep conjuring up new ideas,
and new ways that you might meet your needs for connection, in scenarios
that might NOT bang on those same old emotional bruises.
I think you're very positive, and full of life, and so so so full of light and
possibility.
I would never give up on the idea of you flowering into happiness.
Old bruises may always ache from time to time, in some interactions,
but I have a very strong vision of Tupp learning how to carry herself
kindly.
Be patient with yourself. You've come SO much farther than you
probably see, or give yourself credit for.
Really, you are remarkable.
lots of love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hopsie, thank you, you are so kind :) I don't feel remarkable, I feel knackered and worn out from the constant thinking - my brain feels like it's always working on ten things at once :)
I am trying to take better care of myself, physically as well as emotionally. I saw the doctor who feels a lot of my health problems are stress related. He was very kind and understanding. He's organising some tests just to rule certain things out but it's pretty much the first time I've ever seen a 'professional' and felt they've heard what I'm saying. I usually feel that I'm being dismissed for wasting people's time.
I've noticed a few things recently and I wonder if anyone else finds the same in their life?:
I don't expect to be listened to. If I'm talking to someone and they don't interrupt or talk over me I start to feel anxious. I'm not used to talking about myself for long periods of time (more than a minute or so). I'm not used to giving detail, or explaining things in depth. I think possibly because my whole life has been spent listening to other people talk and being around people who aren't interested in what I have to say. It feels odd to me that someone might actually want to hear me?
I've realised that I can pick out the good bits of a friendship and ignore the bad bits (as long as it's not abusive etc). For example - I've tried to explain to my sister how I feel about her calling with her problems and issues. I love her and she is capable of great kindness, but she can also be very thoughtless and I find her very tiring. I realised yesterday that I can meet her for a coffee every now and again (which I like doing) and I can ask for the odd favour but I don't have to listen to the problems - I can ignore the call, not respond to the text, tell her I'm too busy if she turns up on the door step. I think I've felt that if I'm someone's 'friend' then I have to be available at all times, whenever it suits them, for whatever reason, otherwise I don't have a right to ask for a favour or to pay them a visit to say hi and spend some time with them. I'm starting to realise that's not the case. It still feels a bit odd but I want to work at it.
I also very much want to start going out without my son a bit more and making more effort to spend time getting to know people better. There are people I know casually who I would like to spend more time with but I feel afraid of asking them 'out'. I want to try and work on that (but there's so much snow at the minute that I do have a valid reason for putting it off because I can't get anywhere for now!).
I've also decided to cut short the calls with 'friends' who talk about themselves too much. I'm going to give it eight minutes and if in that time they haven't asked me a question or given me any kind of chance to speak I'm going to make an excuse to get off the phone and go and do something else. They can talk someone else's ears off :)
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote ---I think I've felt that if I'm someone's 'friend' then I have to be available at all times, whenever it suits them, for whatever reason, otherwise I don't have a right to ask for a favour or to pay them a visit to say hi and spend some time with them.
--- End quote ---
Now, did you really hear what you said here? LOL... this is IT. This is what N-moms think relationships are all about: having us available to them at all times, for whatever reason... and since they claim control of us... we don't have the right to ask for a favour or anything else... unless THEIR NEEDS are satisfied FIRST.
That was perfectly said.
I still struggle with this too, btw. It gets better, but it's so deep down and (subtly) instinctive the only way I know to "edit" the reflex response - is with present moment awareness... combined with a quick "meeting" with my prim and disapproving inner scheduling director and wild-child whims.
OH... and I think that under the circumstances, it's probably healthy for you to wish your mom wasn't around anymore. Understandably, you want it all to STOP. The trick is, I think, to completely remove the power of "the mom" in your mind... just mentally go through taking back your own power and making her powerless -- and if there's anger lingering around looking for a target, just have a teenaged, total melt-down anger fantasy. This is almost a physically painful part of separating oneself from an "enmeshed" type of relationship... but a very healthy step along the way to just being you and making it all "stop".
Man, I'm for real, stealing that description of relationships... it was that perfect!! ;)
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