Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
My mum is ill
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: JustKathy on January 23, 2013, 04:58:11 PM ---
--- Quote ---OH... and I think that under the circumstances, it's probably healthy for you to wish your mom wasn't around anymore.
--- End quote ---
I think so too. It just takes time to accept that it's okay for us to wish them gone. I believe the reason we struggle with feelings of guilt for having those thoughts is because we're .... normal! We have normal, functioning human brains. We have the basic human instinct to care for and nurture others, so we feel that there's something wrong with us when we wish that our NM's would die. What we have to remember is that we aren't wishing death on some random person. We aren't plotting murder. Only someone with a defective brain would do that. We simply want their lives to end naturally so that we may be released from our own suffering, suffering that they inflicted on us. It also doesn't help that society tells us that we're to love our parents unconditionally. Only another victim of an NM can truly understand. Thank goodness we have boards like this one where we can meet others in the same situation. A few decades ago, that wouldn't have been possible. So at least we have that.
I also wanted to tell you that I, too, have a very difficult time saying no, probably because I was raised to put NM before myself, always. I was not allowed to assert myself or say no to anything. I was taught to be weak. Things that we are taught as children stay with us, and we really have to work hard to learn how to change those behaviours. I would guess that most children of Ns have a very difficult time asserting themselves. I had to learn to be tougher when I got a job in management, and I felt guilty every time I had to reprimand someone. I was being paid to do what my mother would punish me for. Who wouldn't be confused in a case like that? Trying to unlearn what they drilled into our brains is very difficult. It's like trying to learn to write with the other hand. It doesn't feel natural. It CAN be done, but it takes a lot of work.
Ehhhh .... it sucks. :?
--- End quote ---
I think weak is a good way to describe it, I feel like I have no personality of my own? I'm always defined by other people, what they want, what they need, not by who I am or what I enjoy. People keep asking me what I enjoy and in all honesty it's just comfort - a big, squishy sofa, a film and some chocolate, a comfy bed, a cup of tea and a good book, a hot bath and lots of bubbles. It's comfort and security, not people or activities. I go for acupuncture and the lady asked me this week what I used to enjoy doing before I had my son. The only honest answer I could give her was things that were self-destructive and numbed me out - smoking, drinking, taking drugs. I've never really done 'things' I enjoy, I just do things that make how I feel more bearable. That just feels so wrong and such a disgusting thing to say - life has been so bad that the only way I endure it is to smooth it out in some way? Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop fighting it and go to the doc and let him pump me full of enough pharmeceuticals that I just don't care anymore.
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on January 26, 2013, 02:20:44 AM ---
--- Quote from: JustKathy on January 23, 2013, 04:58:11 PM ---
--- Quote ---OH... and I think that under the circumstances, it's probably healthy for you to wish your mom wasn't around anymore.
--- End quote ---
I think so too. It just takes time to accept that it's okay for us to wish them gone. I believe the reason we struggle with feelings of guilt for having those thoughts is because we're .... normal! We have normal, functioning human brains. We have the basic human instinct to care for and nurture others, so we feel that there's something wrong with us when we wish that our NM's would die. What we have to remember is that we aren't wishing death on some random person. We aren't plotting murder. Only someone with a defective brain would do that. We simply want their lives to end naturally so that we may be released from our own suffering, suffering that they inflicted on us. It also doesn't help that society tells us that we're to love our parents unconditionally. Only another victim of an NM can truly understand. Thank goodness we have boards like this one where we can meet others in the same situation. A few decades ago, that wouldn't have been possible. So at least we have that.
I also wanted to tell you that I, too, have a very difficult time saying no, probably because I was raised to put NM before myself, always. I was not allowed to assert myself or say no to anything. I was taught to be weak. Things that we are taught as children stay with us, and we really have to work hard to learn how to change those behaviours. I would guess that most children of Ns have a very difficult time asserting themselves. I had to learn to be tougher when I got a job in management, and I felt guilty every time I had to reprimand someone. I was being paid to do what my mother would punish me for. Who wouldn't be confused in a case like that? Trying to unlearn what they drilled into our brains is very difficult. It's like trying to learn to write with the other hand. It doesn't feel natural. It CAN be done, but it takes a lot of work.
Ehhhh .... it sucks. :?
--- End quote ---
I think weak is a good way to describe it, I feel like I have no personality of my own? I'm always defined by other people, what they want, what they need, not by who I am or what I enjoy. People keep asking me what I enjoy and in all honesty it's just comfort - a big, squishy sofa, a film and some chocolate, a comfy bed, a cup of tea and a good book, a hot bath and lots of bubbles. It's comfort and security, not people or activities. I go for acupuncture and the lady asked me this week what I used to enjoy doing before I had my son. The only honest answer I could give her was things that were self-destructive and numbed me out - smoking, drinking, taking drugs. I've never really done 'things' I enjoy, I just do things that make how I feel more bearable. That just feels so wrong and such a disgusting thing to say - life has been so bad that the only way I endure it is to smooth it out in some way? Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop fighting it and go to the doc and let him pump me full of enough pharmaceuticals that I just don't care anymore.
--- End quote ---
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I hear what you're saying and I can say that you are not alone! When I was younger, the only way I knew how to get through each day was to be self-destructive and numb out on legal and illegal drugs plus alcohol. I finally hit bottom on March 16, 1985 when I realized I wanted to live more than I wanted to die. When I was talking to a counselor, one day, regarding the sexual abuse I had endured at the hands of Womb-Donor and her pedophile boyfriend, it suddenly hit me what I was drinking at drugging at......why I was self-medicating. Once that clarity hit my brain cells, the cravings for alcohol and drugs evaporated. That's when the healing started.
Bones
Twoapenny:
Thanks, Bonesie,
That's probably similar to what's happened to me. I remember sitting in a car smoking weed after a particularly heavy night out - all sorts of drugs - and thinking "there must be more to life than this". And that was a long time ago now, the booze took a lot longer to get rid of completely - probably another ten years and, like you, I don't crave either of those things now. But I sort of don't crave anything else either? I feel an almost constant sense of just getting through the day and being kept sane by simple pleasures like a film or a book and some chocolate. I find interacting with people tiring and, a lot of the time, boring? I don't think that's normal? It's different online, the face to face stuff isn't there, it doesn't feel like you have to think about anything other than what you are saying, particularly when it's in an anonymous way like this (I know a lot of us know each other well online but in the real world we could walk past each other in the street and not have a clue). So forums I can cope with, I like to read, I have a whole wonderful life inside my head of how I'd like it to be and what I imagine 'life' should or could be like, but the reality is I've done the housework this morning, we'll go and do some shopping after lunch, I'll log on again after dinner and then I'll watch a film after my son has gone to bed. I can't even think of anyone I'd like to see or speak to, or anything I'd really like to do? I seem to have fallen in love with my pyjamas! They're very cute and snuggly :)
(((((((((((((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hopalong:
Maybe one small commitment per week, Tupp, that would work against social isolation.
Or even every two weeks. Just an hour or two each time.
Something that takes you into positive contact with others.
But not something that adds big stress to your schedule.
Something that might take effort to go do, but not so much effort that you can't start the habit.
I think it'd be good for you. As a hedge against long-term isolation.
Meanwhile, any time you wanna talk about relationships w/pyjamas...YES!
:)
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on January 26, 2013, 08:07:09 AM ---Maybe one small commitment per week, Tupp, that would work against social isolation.
Or even every two weeks. Just an hour or two each time.
Something that takes you into positive contact with others.
But not something that adds big stress to your schedule.
Something that might take effort to go do, but not so much effort that you can't start the habit.
I think it'd be good for you. As a hedge against long-term isolation.
Meanwhile, any time you wanna talk about relationships w/pyjamas...YES!
:)
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hopsie, I like that suggestion very much and think it's a good one to work with. As for the PJs - mine are calling to me right now! Sleep tight xxx
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