Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
My mum is ill
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on January 26, 2013, 07:16:52 AM ---Thanks, Bonesie,
That's probably similar to what's happened to me. I remember sitting in a car smoking weed after a particularly heavy night out - all sorts of drugs - and thinking "there must be more to life than this". And that was a long time ago now, the booze took a lot longer to get rid of completely - probably another ten years and, like you, I don't crave either of those things now. But I sort of don't crave anything else either? I feel an almost constant sense of just getting through the day and being kept sane by simple pleasures like a film or a book and some chocolate. I find interacting with people tiring and, a lot of the time, boring? I don't think that's normal? It's different online, the face to face stuff isn't there, it doesn't feel like you have to think about anything other than what you are saying, particularly when it's in an anonymous way like this (I know a lot of us know each other well online but in the real world we could walk past each other in the street and not have a clue). So forums I can cope with, I like to read, I have a whole wonderful life inside my head of how I'd like it to be and what I imagine 'life' should or could be like, but the reality is I've done the housework this morning, we'll go and do some shopping after lunch, I'll log on again after dinner and then I'll watch a film after my son has gone to bed. I can't even think of anyone I'd like to see or speak to, or anything I'd really like to do? I seem to have fallen in love with my pyjamas! They're very cute and snuggly :)
(((((((((((((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))))))))
--- End quote ---
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I can relate to that. Not having a professional, who gets it, to talk to makes things difficult on my side of the Pond.
What I've started to do is some creative writing based on my imagination within the Star Trek Universe. I'm not planning on sharing it at this time....just writing for my own entertainment.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: BonesMS on January 27, 2013, 02:42:49 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on January 26, 2013, 07:16:52 AM ---Thanks, Bonesie,
That's probably similar to what's happened to me. I remember sitting in a car smoking weed after a particularly heavy night out - all sorts of drugs - and thinking "there must be more to life than this". And that was a long time ago now, the booze took a lot longer to get rid of completely - probably another ten years and, like you, I don't crave either of those things now. But I sort of don't crave anything else either? I feel an almost constant sense of just getting through the day and being kept sane by simple pleasures like a film or a book and some chocolate. I find interacting with people tiring and, a lot of the time, boring? I don't think that's normal? It's different online, the face to face stuff isn't there, it doesn't feel like you have to think about anything other than what you are saying, particularly when it's in an anonymous way like this (I know a lot of us know each other well online but in the real world we could walk past each other in the street and not have a clue). So forums I can cope with, I like to read, I have a whole wonderful life inside my head of how I'd like it to be and what I imagine 'life' should or could be like, but the reality is I've done the housework this morning, we'll go and do some shopping after lunch, I'll log on again after dinner and then I'll watch a film after my son has gone to bed. I can't even think of anyone I'd like to see or speak to, or anything I'd really like to do? I seem to have fallen in love with my pyjamas! They're very cute and snuggly :)
(((((((((((((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))))))))
--- End quote ---
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I can relate to that. Not having a professional, who gets it, to talk to makes things difficult on my side of the Pond.
What I've started to do is some creative writing based on my imagination within the Star Trek Universe. I'm not planning on sharing it at this time....just writing for my own entertainment.
--- End quote ---
I think that's it, it's not being able to talk to people who understand - not just about the big things like this, but about other aspects of my life - my son's disability, being lonely, finding it hard to trust people, finding TV boring, not caring who wins X Factor - big things and small things. Sometimes I try and open up and I'm met with blank looks or silences - or those complete change of topics that people do when they really haven't a clue what to say next.
I love the idea of creative writing. I find I never finish anything - I feel incredibly enthusiastic for a couple of days and do loads and then leave it. I like the sound od something within Star Trek, though, I think it's nice to be writing just for your own sake without the pressure of trying to get it published or asking others to read it - just something for you to enjoy for yourself and not have to share :)
((((((((((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
sKePTiKal:
Well, yes... I felt the same re: my purpose in life; my reason for being was to "be there" for others 24/7. And I felt that "who I was" would even morph into what it was someone else wanted to be... and that if I failed; well... I guess there are different levels of toxic shame.
I didn't DARE be or dream or like something that was "just for me" either. That was simply "bad" when it conflicted with "the plan" set out for me by NM. It "hurt" her too, when one of the things on the list - that I was supposed to be - was something SHE really wished she could do, and lo and behold, I could do it better. And then, she would ruin it for me, one way or another, with her jealousy and envy.
So me, I simply shrank myself down as small, un-noticeable (but still eagerly hoping to serve & please) as I could possibly be. I was able to not have needs - the normal human needs of a healthy connection to others, my own autonomy, a confident belief in my ability to do things and succeed at them. The only thing I "liked" - that was "approved" - that I stood up for myself was my art/creative stuff. And it served me well for a long time - as a way for me to express that crouched, hiding, feeling like I didn't deserve to breathe... "me" - without using those hurtful words. All the things I liked, that were like my Dad (mechanical things; competitive things) were verboten... unless I wanted to be "bad" just like him.
SIGH. I had to learn to give myself permission to do those things, even. And I'm still working on it when I have the energy; when I don't I hibernate. What I still have trouble with is recognizing when I have a real need; and engaging with others or directly asking to have that need met. I still have that huge discrepency on my emotional balance sheet: I've taken care of X number of people for so long... when is it going to be my turn? Can't people SEE... doesn't anyone KNOW... that I am in need: of a hug, some silly laughter or good times, knowing someone is there for me -- who's looking out for me? I'll be blunt: I get damn TIRED... trying to do/be "all that" for others and because the feelings and needs don't come out of my mouth as words (because of the taboo - I might offend, or "hurt" someone which is code for evoke their abuse at a more intense level)... well, the "normals" really don't know; aren't aware of the agony I'm in or that I'm about to collapse into a weepy, wimpering blob of abandonment. I had to LEARN and MASTER the ability to not telegraph my feelings to protect myself. I am extremely good at this now -- and it's a problem. Go figure.
For me to express a true emotionally charged feeling or to state a need -- was to wake up the "momster"... stealing attention away from HER feelings, HER entitlement, HER needs... and trust me, the way I was dealt with, only made me feel worse.
A lot of what I did in T, involved getting it through my thick head that I didn't have to "play by those rules" anymore. That I was allowed, entitled to the human nutrients that come from healthy relationships - connection, autonomy and competence. I did have to overcome my reluctance -- and extreme awkwardness -- about learning to ask to have my needs met.
Still a major work in progress -- but there IS progress. Just like you! Look how far you've come. So, it's your turn to need to be taken care of... OK. You're allowed. I said so.
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on January 27, 2013, 04:06:54 AM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on January 27, 2013, 02:42:49 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on January 26, 2013, 07:16:52 AM ---Thanks, Bonesie,
That's probably similar to what's happened to me. I remember sitting in a car smoking weed after a particularly heavy night out - all sorts of drugs - and thinking "there must be more to life than this". And that was a long time ago now, the booze took a lot longer to get rid of completely - probably another ten years and, like you, I don't crave either of those things now. But I sort of don't crave anything else either? I feel an almost constant sense of just getting through the day and being kept sane by simple pleasures like a film or a book and some chocolate. I find interacting with people tiring and, a lot of the time, boring? I don't think that's normal? It's different online, the face to face stuff isn't there, it doesn't feel like you have to think about anything other than what you are saying, particularly when it's in an anonymous way like this (I know a lot of us know each other well online but in the real world we could walk past each other in the street and not have a clue). So forums I can cope with, I like to read, I have a whole wonderful life inside my head of how I'd like it to be and what I imagine 'life' should or could be like, but the reality is I've done the housework this morning, we'll go and do some shopping after lunch, I'll log on again after dinner and then I'll watch a film after my son has gone to bed. I can't even think of anyone I'd like to see or speak to, or anything I'd really like to do? I seem to have fallen in love with my pyjamas! They're very cute and snuggly :)
(((((((((((((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))))))))
--- End quote ---
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I can relate to that. Not having a professional, who gets it, to talk to makes things difficult on my side of the Pond.
What I've started to do is some creative writing based on my imagination within the Star Trek Universe. I'm not planning on sharing it at this time....just writing for my own entertainment.
--- End quote ---
I think that's it, it's not being able to talk to people who understand - not just about the big things like this, but about other aspects of my life - my son's disability, being lonely, finding it hard to trust people, finding TV boring, not caring who wins X Factor - big things and small things. Sometimes I try and open up and I'm met with blank looks or silences - or those complete change of topics that people do when they really haven't a clue what to say next.
I love the idea of creative writing. I find I never finish anything - I feel incredibly enthusiastic for a couple of days and do loads and then leave it. I like the sound od something within Star Trek, though, I think it's nice to be writing just for your own sake without the pressure of trying to get it published or asking others to read it - just something for you to enjoy for yourself and not have to share :)
((((((((((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
--- End quote ---
Thanks, (((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))).
I have to admit, that I am lonely because no one around here GETS it.
With creative writing, the beauty of it is that I can write at my own pace.....let the story percolate for awhile, then go back to it when my imagination starts thinking of more details to add. I started writing my story back in June 2012 and just started dumping my issues into it.....it feels therapeutic. I don't know if there is any such thing as therapeutic creative writing.
BTW, I borrowed a FUN idea from Tribbles author, David Gerrold.....WRITERS REVENGE!!! Include your enemy in the story and treat them like a RED SHIRT or any way that feels right to you!!!! You could set your phaser on heavy stun or vaporize the !@#$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bones
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: PhoenixRising on January 27, 2013, 07:34:49 AM ---Well, yes... I felt the same re: my purpose in life; my reason for being was to "be there" for others 24/7. And I felt that "who I was" would even morph into what it was someone else wanted to be... and that if I failed; well... I guess there are different levels of toxic shame.
I didn't DARE be or dream or like something that was "just for me" either. That was simply "bad" when it conflicted with "the plan" set out for me by NM. It "hurt" her too, when one of the things on the list - that I was supposed to be - was something SHE really wished she could do, and lo and behold, I could do it better. And then, she would ruin it for me, one way or another, with her jealousy and envy.
So me, I simply shrank myself down as small, un-noticeable (but still eagerly hoping to serve & please) as I could possibly be. I was able to not have needs - the normal human needs of a healthy connection to others, my own autonomy, a confident belief in my ability to do things and succeed at them. The only thing I "liked" - that was "approved" - that I stood up for myself was my art/creative stuff. And it served me well for a long time - as a way for me to express that crouched, hiding, feeling like I didn't deserve to breathe... "me" - without using those hurtful words. All the things I liked, that were like my Dad (mechanical things; competitive things) were verboten... unless I wanted to be "bad" just like him.
SIGH. I had to learn to give myself permission to do those things, even. And I'm still working on it when I have the energy; when I don't I hibernate. What I still have trouble with is recognizing when I have a real need; and engaging with others or directly asking to have that need met. I still have that huge discrepency on my emotional balance sheet: I've taken care of X number of people for so long... when is it going to be my turn? Can't people SEE... doesn't anyone KNOW... that I am in need: of a hug, some silly laughter or good times, knowing someone is there for me -- who's looking out for me? I'll be blunt: I get damn TIRED... trying to do/be "all that" for others and because the feelings and needs don't come out of my mouth as words (because of the taboo - I might offend, or "hurt" someone which is code for evoke their abuse at a more intense level)... well, the "normals" really don't know; aren't aware of the agony I'm in or that I'm about to collapse into a weepy, wimpering blob of abandonment. I had to LEARN and MASTER the ability to not telegraph my feelings to protect myself. I am extremely good at this now -- and it's a problem. Go figure.
For me to express a true emotionally charged feeling or to state a need -- was to wake up the "momster"... stealing attention away from HER feelings, HER entitlement, HER needs... and trust me, the way I was dealt with, only made me feel worse.
A lot of what I did in T, involved getting it through my thick head that I didn't have to "play by those rules" anymore. That I was allowed, entitled to the human nutrients that come from healthy relationships - connection, autonomy and competence. I did have to overcome my reluctance -- and extreme awkwardness -- about learning to ask to have my needs met.
Still a major work in progress -- but there IS progress. Just like you! Look how far you've come. So, it's your turn to need to be taken care of... OK. You're allowed. I said so.
--- End quote ---
All of that sounds like you're writing about me, Phoenix! That's exactly how I feel, I just existed for the benefit of other people and getting them out of my life was a good thing, but I've not replaced the toxicity with much else, yet. A couple of things I've been thinking about over the weekend are my lack of creative hobbies - even though I've wanted for years to knit, sew, make jewellery, work for myself, travel - I've never really done anything like that. And I have a terrible anxiety in the mornings about the things that I haven't done and that I should have done - I seem to feel that the house should always be spotless, the jobs all done and sorted out, nothing left on show, meals prepared, everything organised.
What I realised this morning was that my mum was always very admiring of people who could do craft type stuff - it was something she was always terrible at (by her own admission) and something she wanted to be able to do. I'm wondering if that's why I've never gone down that free spirit, creative road - it would have been 'rubbing her nose in it' (as she would have seen it) and she's always been so critical of my myriad faults re tidiness, organisational skills etc.
As far as the house goes she always ran it like a military operation. The fridge and freezer were always full (to the point of hoarding, from my perspective), the house was always spotless, jobs were always completed, errands were organised in blocks so that she only went out once a day, saved on petrol, got everything done in one go and so on.
I'm looking around my house and it looks like no-one lives here. It's bland and drab, there's no colour, there's nothing of my personality in it. My clothes are the same, I yearn for bright, zingy, crazy clothes that say "look at me!". But of course I don't wear them.
So. My options are a well run efficient home, lacking in warmth, love, vitality and acceptance or a colourful world of trial and error, a place to relax, be safe from the world, let in the lovely people and keep out the not so lovely. I need, need, need to really push against her and let myself out. The little me inside feels so utterly abandoned and rejected - you're not good enough, Penny - you're a bad, ugly, evil girl and you deserve everything that happens to you. I'm the only person who can make that better, I'm starting to see that now.
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