Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
My mum is ill
Twoapenny:
Hi again,
I think I've messed this up. I've woken up this morning feeling completely different. I should have waited until I replied to that card. Or ignored it. Lesson learnt for the future. Never mind. Will try and forget all about it now. Don't think anything will come of it anyway but will be more cautious in future. Argh!
teartracks:
Hi Twoapenny,
You know, upon rereading your original post, it is clear you didn't ask for advice. So what did I do? Spout unsolicited advice. I apologize, and ask for your forgiveness. I will try to be more aware of what my part, if any, is where future posts are concerned.
Sincerely,
tt
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: teartracks on January 11, 2013, 11:21:07 AM ---
Hi Twoapenny,
You know, upon rereading your original post, it is clear you didn't ask for advice. So what did I do? Spout unsolicited advice. I apologize, and ask for your forgiveness. I will try to be more aware of what my part, if any, is where future posts are concerned.
Sincerely,
tt
TT, absolutely no need to apologise, the thoughts, responses, advice of everyone on here is always helpful to me and in this case everyone has been spot on, I should have sat on this for a few days before responding. I went with my instinct which was to leap to attention when my family tell me to. I've resisted for a long time but something about this just made me jump. I should have thought it through, talked it over, responded with my intellect, not my reflex. It's a lesson learnt for the future. If she wants to meet my answer will be no and they can slag me off and call me selfish, it's not like they haven't been doing it for years already. What I've realised is I'm still incredibly angry with her; if we meet I will just be screaming and shouting at a 70 year old woman with heart problems. That's not a situation I want to put myself into.
Please don't apologise, I welcome everyone's comments here and trust your opinions xx
--- End quote ---
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote --- I went with my instinct which was to leap to attention when my family tell me to.
--- End quote ---
Wow. This jumped off the page at me. First because it's rather subtle to "see" - and good on you for that. And secondly, I just went through this yesterday. My mom'll be having rather complicated surgery to remove several large kidney stones - she's 80 - next Friday. (And yes, I'm still sorting through all the stuff with my girls, too). So I was on the phone with Mom... when my brother called on the cell.
Long story short - the surgery conflicts with a track team trip and he's got to make a choice about which is more important to him. He wanted me to drive up - I'd have to do this alone; about 800 miles one way - just so he wouldn't have to make a decision.
I told him, I was sure he could pick which decision would make him feel the most comfortable... but that nope; I wasn't going to BE there.
And in some ways... I should've seen this happening in the situation with my girls, too. But my mom-reflex kicked in and yup! I just jumped into action before I thought it through. I took the bait to play out the old script.
I understand the anger you still might hold, Penny. There are just some "crimes against our souls" that just can't be wished away; like a lump of coal. Because I've stayed LC with my mom, even throughout my own healing process, my relationship with her has changed over time. Softened might be a good word. That wound I suffered is still there -- and it still dictates that I keep my distance, to do "right" by my own self -- but I've stopped expecting her to change; to do her part to heal my wound; and my inner little girl isn't demanding anymore that she do so. It's been a messy process -- and subject to the "broken record" that is my mother's personality mess... lots of the same old ground, over & over... her kind of implying I "fix" it for her... me knowing I can't - it'll never be good enough... and me just shrugging my shoulders and finally able to say: oh well. That doesn't make me a bad person - I can only do so much within the structure of the relationship that includes what SHE can do. I still cry over my MIL passing; I miss her. The other people - mom and MIL - are different people and the relationships were different sizes; there was a lot more room for feelings (for me) with MIL. No old wounds, maybe.
So, what "passes" for a relationship with my mom, even though it's a meager buffet and repetitive, is after all this time... the relationship; period. It is what it is. And within that - I make my own decisions about how I will act, I feel what I feel (and that's still a cluster; a ball of tangled yarn emotions), and it no longer occupies so much time or space in my life. I'm not afraid of future "regrets"... I trust myself, that I'm doing the right thing for me... and it matters a whole lot less to me, if anyone understands or likes my decisions. I explain it better than I used to. But no one can feel what I feel about - no one else lives with my particular lump of coal. The coal wears down; wears away over time. It's not the 16-ton weight it used to be.
I know that, as you process what you're feeling and think it through... you'll pick your right path with confidence. You're allowed to change your mind, too !! Up to a point, life does allow some do-overs...
You're still a very wise, warm, caring person as you've demonstrated to me over the years we've chatted back & forth. Thank you for your response on my thread. Big hugs!!!
Amber
Hopalong:
Tupp, I can imagine the triggering you've been through over this.
No beating yourself up. Two steps forward and one back still equals forward.
(One of my brainless but to me helpful, little epiphanies.)
And TT, I'd like to thank you for the notion: Taking on the offenses of others.
That's really a helpful thing to think about.
love
Hops
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