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Re-introduction

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Dreamedeeri:
Hi, I joined this site back in 2009 after another online forum blew up, and then after a lot of reaching out I kind of hit a wall and have done a lot of holing up!

My story is here:

http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=8960.0

I'm getting over a round of back pain after dealing with a raging narcissist at work (guess who she reminds me of!) and realize I need to do some more work to be able to move on.

I am looking into EFT (which, in a roundabout way, reminded me of why I fled the other forum) and am also interested in using EMDR, dipping my toe into the water of really making some changes this time. :)

I'm still no contact with my NM. I still cashed the checks she sent me for holidays because I'm always broke, but then I learned she was using this against me: "She won't talk to me, but she cashes my checks!" (Then don't send me checks, Ma!) So this Christmas I kept her card but returned the check.

Twoapenny:
Hi Kathleen,

Welcome, and good for you on returning the cheque!  Personally I don't think people can be NC if they're accepting money, for most N's it's just another way they control you.  I think the thing that infuriated my mum the most was that she couldn't control me with cash.  It's a very freeing experience so well done for doing that!

fraidycat:
Welcome back Kathleen!

Good for you returning the check, my n-mom pulled the same crap. At first I felt like it was the least she could do to make up for the things she had done and being a terrible parent, like you I needed the money. I later realized there was a price in accepting and no amount of money was worth my sanity so I made the final cut. In some strange way my accepting her money was enabling me and holding me back. I agree with twoapenny it's all done as a means of control, growth stunting too!

I hope this site helps you in your journey, it has been so helpful for me.

Fraidy

Dreamedeeri:
Thanks twoapenny and fraidycat.

Fraidy, I used to feel the same way you did--that the money was the least she could to after the way she treated me. But though I don't feel it's wrong to take her money, I don't want to give her any ammunition. It's true I took her money and don't talk to her. Is it wrong? I don't think so, but if she is using that truth against me, I need to take it away from her. She has enough ammunition by saying things about me that aren't true (though in her mind she must think they are). Luckily most of family believes me (that I'm not the spawn of Satan my mother makes me out to be), I think, though I still cringe a bit around my relatives wondering what they have heard about me.

Hopalong:
Hi Kathleen,
Glad you're back!

I am in my 60s and my D is estranged.
I don't think it's been "wrong" of her to take my money but refuse to speak to me.
I know she's been absolutely desperate, and genuinely needed the help.

But if it's worth hearing the other side of the coin, though all situations vary...it really does hurt that she does not say "thank you." Ever. Years back, she did...but over time, it became more like--gimme the money and f**k you. More or less.

I try not to think about it and when I do feel a flash of resentment, I know that underneath that feeling is the real one. It hurts. Not because it IS MONEY, but because in giving her money I was trying to say, "I love you." "I wish I knew what else to do." "I am so sorry I have failed you." "I would give anything to roll back time and undo my mistakes." "I want you to be all right." "I feel helpless and heartbroken."

All of those things, I have said in different ways. But when it just boiled down to her need, what she wanted most was money. And I gave until I couldn't give any more. And when I stopped, she dropped me.

It doesn't mean "right" or "wrong" but fwiw, from the failed-parent side...it hurts. Because it feels as though all the love, including all the mistakes, you ever tried to give...has been devalued by your child. "If you don't give money, you have no value to me. And even when you do give me money, I won't even acknowledge that human exchange with even a scrap of gratitude. I spit on you -- with my hand out."

That's how much a child can hate a parent.

I think what they don't realize, or may not realize until many years later, is how much they can hurt them.

(None of this moaning probably likely has any resemblance to what you've experienced or what your own reasoning might be.)

But I've found in the last couple years that while I spent decades roaring in my pain at being the child of a very-N mother...lately, it's been a whole new pain I never expected. Being rejected by my own child.

I just didn't see it coming. Money was one way it played out. Maybe, one way to see it other than "control" (unless in your case, "control" is the absolutely only way to interpret the situation, and that could be true) ... but if there's a crack of light for any other view, is that giving money is also a language. For a parent who has failed, it can be a kind of desperate, sad way to try to still be allowed to love.

It doesn't work, either. But I think sometimes that could be what even a "bad parent" is trying to say.

Hops

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