Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Re-introduction

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Dreamedeeri:
Oh Hopalong, that is so sad, thank you for letting me hear it from the other side.

I would desparately love to hear "I love you." "I wish I knew what else to do." "I am so sorry I have failed you." "I would give anything to roll back time and undo my mistakes." "I want you to be all right." or "I feel helpless and heartbroken." from my mother instead of getting a check at Christmast and my birthday. She can keep her money, those words would be priceless.

In her own way she is trying to be "fair". If she sends my brother money, she sends me the same amount. Because that is how things are done. (Nevermind all other forms of unfairness she takes part in, I don't think she sees those.) I think it's true that it is one of the few ways she knows to show that she cares (that is certainly the case with my father) but there are too many strings attached. And I'm not entirely sure she really cares. Cares what other people think maybe--e.g. "I can't not give my kids something for holidays, what would people say?" Personally if I were her, I would stop sending me money, but then she wouldn't have something to hold over my head.

I'm struggling to find a way to explain that my mother really is a bad parent (it certainly doesn't sound like you are!) without getting defensive--that's why I'm on this board, right? Because she is a raging narcissist without a shred of empathy for me, using me for day one as somebody to be "better than", though deep down maybe with some brand of "love". Thought I've had to give up thinking "she loves me in her own way" for my own sanity.

Anyway I get what you are saying, but I'm taking the money out the equation. Like I said, she can find something else to use against me (when she's telling other people what a bad person* I am, like she has my entire life) instead of money that isn't as fraught with baggage. It may not be 100% about control, but it is certainly a large component. I may be hurting her feelings, but after 40 years of my trying desparately to get her to love me and find me acceptable, she can darn well consider my feelings too. Unfortunately I think she is so mentally ill that she is incapable of that, which is why I have gone no contact.

*For the record I am and always have been employed, haven't caused any public scandals, am not addicted to anything illegal, have never been in prison, am not whoring myself on the street, and am kind to animals (small children on a case-by-case basis)!  :D

Hopalong:
I hear you. It sounds to me as though you are doing exactly what you have to do, to stay sane and have a chance of maintaining your own serenity.

Your mom is so ill. I am really sorry she's so emotionally handicapped you haven't felt loved. I believe you. Either she does love you in some primitive way but is so mentally ill that it will never come out of her with any clarity at all, or she actually does not love you (because her wiring or illness makes her incapable).

I re-read your story. I recall how sad I felt for the children of hoarders when I watched those shows. I would see in their faces how utterly "left behind" they felt. Hopeless, but also resigned. (Some, angry.)

I don't fault you at all for how you feel about her.

Maybe you could tear up her checks rather than return them. I imagine she doesn't balance her bank statements. That way you aren't enabling her false delusion of caring, and you're not delivering new hurt.

(But if you need to make that statement, I'd understand that too. You're a human being and she hurt you. You didn't deserve it.)

Hops

JustKathy:
Welcome back Kathleen.  :D

Dreamedeeri:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on March 17, 2013, 08:16:36 PM ---I re-read your story. I recall how sad I felt for the children of hoarders when I watched those shows. I would see in their faces how utterly "left behind" they felt. Hopeless, but also resigned. (Some, angry.)

Maybe you could tear up her checks rather than return them. I imagine she doesn't balance her bank statements. That way you aren't enabling her false delusion of caring, and you're not delivering new hurt.

Hops

--- End quote ---

Hi Hops, I've been thinking about what you said about delivering new hurt, and I understand your personal experience with this situation, but in the interest of not being voiceless, I'm going to have to say that her feelings are her problem at this poiint. In other words, if her feelings are hurt, she can use her words to tell me about it, rather than complain to anyone who will listen.

Now as a child of a narcissist, I can tell you that I spent hours and days thinking about whether I was doing something hurtful, like I do with anything I get negative feedback on, examining it from every angle to figure out if I was going something "wrong". As I learned from therapist or another in the past, "normal" people don't agonize quite so much about "mistakes" and noted that "some people are just jerks" who aren't going to be happy no matter what you do.

By the way, I don't know if she balances her checkbook, but she does know if checks haven't been cashed. I did not receive the last one when she thought I should have because I moved and she a) put it in the mail anyway to my old address and b) spaced out and didn't even put the street number to the old address so it was returned to her. So she called around and somehow found out my new address but in the meantime, before the check came back from the postal service, she called people to "find out if I was OK". Believe me when I say this really isn't a question about my welfare.

And yes, the hoarding thing. Long long long story, but basically my brother and I learned that things are more important to her than people, and that the people in her life are treated as things. So the caring my mother exhibits is more like the caring one would show if one is obssesed with a possession, not the caring she would show towards a human being. I'm one of her possessions. It upsets her to have "lost" me. I should be hers to use as she sees fit. Does it being to make sense now?

Hopalong:
Indeed it does.
I get it.
And good for you for saying that her feelings are hers to deal with.

Wow.
I never quite got there with my Nmother. My inner Cinderella hung
in until the end but I'm going to the ball anyway. Years later.

It's just a very small ball. And you don't have to dress up.

Hops

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