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Voiceless at Work No More---Made A Change

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sunblue:
Hello All:

Been a little while since I've checked in....been going through a difficult time which I needed to address.  For the last 2 years (when I had to report to a new boss), I have been seriously bullied at work.  My new boss stole my job literally, spent every day marginalizing me personally and publicly, took credit for my work, went behind my back to urge my staff to bully me, diminished my abilities and experience at every turn and insulted me regularly.  3/4 of my staff walked out the door because of her behavior.  Co-workers who I counted  as close friends chose to shun and betray me as well.  In short, my boss made sure I had no voice whatsoever...this after 3 years of having a very strong voice in the company.  I had been told regularly by others that she was threatened by me...and she, in fact, made sure others who were very bright and knowledgeable were forced out of the company.

This situation had made me really sick and was destroying any shred of self-worth I had left.  I had been interviewing and job searching aggressively.  I was recently made an offer.  It's not an ideal situation in terms of the kind of work I hoped to do....but it offers some good elements.  I agonized over the decision because the job I held (at least on paper) was perfect for me.  However, I had to come to terms that my new boss had stolen that job for me.  So I accepted the new job and just left the company.  In the end, I just couldn't put up being treated so bad.  They were using me to get a major project done (unrelated to my real job) while my real job was taken from me. 

I feel like I've been the victim of domestic abuse---feeling battered, betrayed, bullied.  The fact that my co-workers contributed to the bullying hurt me as well.  A few of them immediately unfriended me on facebook.

Anyway, what I realized, is that my general voicelessness issues emanating from my family contributed to this.  I invested too much in this job and this toxic company.  I did everything and then some for them...at great sacrifice to me.  I took on new projects, tasks,, whole other jobs ...working up to 100 hours a week.  Meanwhile, others refused to perform that work load until new staff were hired for them which they got.  I guess I was afraid to set boundaries because I knew that they were take away from me the portion of my job I loved.  I stayed too long and did not see coming what they were about to do.  Granted, this was all during the time of our recession so there were very few jobs available. 

Anyway, I feel like a real loser at this point.....I feel stepped on and diminished....just like my N family has always made me feel.

I'm trying to maintain some sense of hope...that my new job won't turn out to be as bad as I might think.  Anyway, just thought I'd provide an udpate.

Hopalong:
WOW, Sun. I am so impressed.
Awful and toxic as it was, you still managed to HOLD ON there until you had an exit plan.
This is huge. Really, don't overlook how important and mature that decision was.

I can relate to your suffering at work.

I wonder what you might do to ensure that in your new job, you will have a work experience, and not a re-enacted FOO one?

I have so many times re-enacted my original wounding and voicelessness, taking everything personally, not establishing
adult professional boundaries in a calm way...working to death and in misery even away from the office because I let a JOB
take up residence in my head, right next to the original N-family damages.

I have a friend I used to whine and moan and vent to, about psychodynamic things that happened at work (short of outright abuse, in my case,
but still very triggering). One day, she looked at me and said matter-of-factly, That's why they call it work.

Oh! I realized I'd been thinking (or less than thinking, more like...behaving) as though because I was so deep into the work, was there every day,
and was doing really valuable things really well, I could expect...JUSTICE! RESPECT! UNDERSTANDING! And the killer: APPROPRIATE COMPENSATION
and APPRECIATION!

That sounds sarcastic but I realized I really, really did "expect" it. My friend's remark, plus a whole lot of inner work and therapy...
was a signpost.

Just the other day I said to my T, who laughed...I've realized that "My job is to do my work and then go home."

That's it. I'm breathing much easier.

Could you possibly go see a T right now, and tell that person that your specific goal is to begin your new post with boundaries and
have an ongoing reality check to help you stay UN-triggered and less HOPEFUL about those FOO feelings/needs, and succeed with realistic
perspective?

That's kind of garbled but I am so hopeful for you. You never know what just "Doing your work and going home" might do.

One last thing -- I have urged MANY younger colleagues to set appropriate expectations in their employers' minds from
the GET-GO. Not by verbalizing it, but simply by calmly shutting off the computer and walking out of the office at the
end of the day. Same time every day. If there's an unusual event that everybody needs to do overtime about, that's
different, but be sure not to set yourself up as someone who's accustomed to being exploited (and who will eagerly
exploit herself).

I hope you can reclaim your life.

love to you,
Hops

debkor:
WOW, Sun. I am so impressed.
Awful and toxic as it was, you still managed to HOLD ON there until you had an exit plan.
This is huge. Really, don't overlook how important and mature that decision was.


I'm with Hops!!  Ditto!!

Love
Deb

sunblue:
Thanks so much Hops and Debkor.

Hops, I could really identify with what you said.  In fact, I had been toying with the idea with searching for a therapist....haven't been for a very long while.  But I'd like to learn what I had been doing wrong and how I could make sure this didn't happen to me again.  You are so right.  I worked really hard.  Invested tons of hours.  Did a great job and always went out of my way to help everyone.  I thought that would be appreciated and recognized.  It wasn't...not really anyway. Thrown under the bus when a bully came after me because she was threatened by my and others.

But, I also know my problem has been that my whole identity has been built around what I do..my job and career.  In my family, everything centered around studying hard and working hard (never anything socially-minded).  You were measured by the status of your job or career and how much money you made.  I was already deemed a failure when I selected a career that wasnt known for earning you tons of money (at least not compared to the "lawyer" or "doctor").  So my whole life has been my job.  Now, when that job was taken from me, I'm left with nothing.....I never put in a normal day's work and then went home to a life.  I always worked tons of overtime and really had no life outside of work.  So hard to create an identity that's not based on your work.

Plus, I hungered for justice.....but just the opposite occurred.  No justice when someone is allowed to bully you and steal your  job...just simply because they wanted it and was threatened by you.  So, when I gave notice to the CEO, I was shocked by his rude reaction.  No justice.  And feeling really stupid and a failure.

So thanks for your remarks.  It really rang true with me.  I really wish I could take a sabattical...feel like I've been through WWIII.  LOL

One thing for sure.  I want to learn from this and establish realistic boundaries with the new job.  Somehow I have to create an identity for myself that is not solely focused on my job.  Somehow, I have to find something worthy about myself that doesn't have to do with how much value I create in my job.  Not easy for sure :)

lighter:
Sun:

I'm so proud of you.

Congrats on getting yourself out of that toxic situation.  I know it was difficult.

The upswing of navigating these last couple of years.....

you've been focused outside your FOO, experiencing growth through the pain, and you're moving ahead to something new.

Interesting to think about the different boundary choices you'll be making in this new job.....

taking care of yourself, not people pleasing automatically, and making sure you identify and enforce healthier boundaries I think.

I guess the goal is to stop making the same mistakes, and make some new ones. 

We never stop growing and learning  ((Sun.))

Lighter

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