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Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on July 14, 2014, 06:54:12 PM ---Hi Tupp--
I just have this to offer, fwiw--

It's absolutely totally NORMAL to repeat patterns learned in childhood. Normal normal normal!

The great thing is that as you spot them, you can "set it on the table and back away slowly..."

Sure, it's aggravating to spot yourself tripping over the same log. But really, you're young, and you have lots of years of nimble dancing ahead. Eventually it'll just be "how you walk."

I believe you'll wind up just automatically steering past the familiar force fields with people that are toxic, and it won't be effortful to choose people and be drawn to them--who are wholesome and positive for you. Like any new positive thing, it just takes repeated exposure and practice.

That is does feel effortful and difficult now does not mean it won't become easier. It will!

That's all I wanted to say...I heard your discouragement.

love,
Hops



--- End quote ---

Thanks, Hops, I hear ya!  I know what you mean, it's just sometimes the enormity of it all still really gets me.  It was a bit like finding out someone had been cheating on me and I'd had absolutely no idea, you know?  Complete shock.  But it's fine, adjusting, settling down now.  All good.  Thank you :)

Twoapenny:
Well I've had a very 'at home' week this week, I just needed (and still need) time to think and get myself together at the minute.

Something I have been thinking about is my need to be rescued from my life.  I seem to have spent my whole life trapped in situations that are made by other people, hoping and praying that someone will notice and come and lift me out of it.  I used to sit by the side of the road after my dad died (I was about 8), hoping to see his car come round the corner and find out it was all a bit mistake.  I feel a bit like I'm still doing that now.

I think what I need to do is to stop waiting for someone else to come and get me.  I want to try and develop myself creatively - through music, writing and books, and to spend time making my surroundings at home more pleasant and comfortable.  I also want to be a bit more laid back about money and to start spending it on paying people to help with the garden and jobs around the house, rather than trying (and failing) to do it all myself.  I really do need to rest more, but also have more fun and spend more time doing things I enjoy and find fulfilling.

My son is not doing too well at the minute and the response has been what I expected - one friend (who I do appreciate enormously) has offered to help out and has been checking in every day to see how we're doing, everyone else has run for the hills.  So I really want to focus now on building myself up, rather than hoping that other people will help plug some of the holes that are in me.

Gaining Strength:
My thoughts are with you. I so know the feeling of looking and hoping for help to come. I hope you find the strength and courage to carry forward but I am also glad that you will rest as well. I think I'll share so more thoughts a bit later on.

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on July 20, 2014, 08:35:34 AM ---My thoughts are with you. I so know the feeling of looking and hoping for help to come. I hope you find the strength and courage to carry forward but I am also glad that you will rest as well. I think I'll share so more thoughts a bit later on.

--- End quote ---

Thanks, GS.  Just realised a typo in my post, the bit about my dad should have read that I was about 8, not sure how I managed to get a smiley face in there instead!

Nearly time for bed, and I've got through my first weekend of trying to focus on me and not fret about everyone else.  I haven't called anyone or been out anywhere, we've stayed home and I've been cleaning out cupboards and getting organised for next week.  Have rejigged my money a bit and freed up enough to get a gardener in to sort my overgrown jungle out and to pay a babysitter so I can go to a meditation class next week.  A couple of people texted wanting to come round but they fall into the 'don't do anything to help and only call when they want something' camp that I am trying to break away from now so I told them both we were busy.  Odd how it feels wrong of me not to be available but I want to stick to this and make some changes now.

Hopalong:

--- Quote ---I think what I need to do is to stop waiting for someone else to come and get me.
--- End quote ---

This is such a powerful realization, Tupp. I'm excited for you and inspired too.

I think you got it. I've been thinking/working on the same issues in my life.
I think I trained myself to experience despair at the idea of being alone, and now,
I'm intentionally re-embracing it. I've always loved solitude but over the years of
caretaking, I lost some of that joy. Now I'm working to delight in my own company again.

There's a difference between solitude with purpose and isolation.
I find the latter is an enemy, but embracing the former means when I do
"go forth" I find company more easily. Maybe it's because when I tend to my own
needs, I am subtly telegraphing something different in company, or about company.

Dunno if that makes sense but I like your sense of purpose about making
your life happier.

And I'm very very sorry your son is having a rough time. I know that means
you are too.

hugs
Hops

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