Making New Friends

[Gaining Strength]

Twoapenny - "odd how it feels wrong f me...."

Going out on a limb here and dipping into my own experience to wonder out loud if  it feels wrong because you were trained to put everyone else first above yourself at all costs to yourself?  So that it would feel "wrong" to protect yourself from leeching others who don't give back?l give and take is a vital life process but there must be an exchange for it to be life giving - right.?

[Twoapenny]

I think what I need to do is to stop waiting for someone else to come and get me.

This is such a powerful realization, Tupp. I'm excited for you and inspired too.

I think you got it. I've been thinking/working on the same issues in my life.
I think I trained myself to experience despair at the idea of being alone, and now,
I'm intentionally re-embracing it. I've always loved solitude but over the years of
caretaking, I lost some of that joy. Now I'm working to delight in my own company again.

There's a difference between solitude with purpose and isolation.
I find the latter is an enemy, but embracing the former means when I do
"go forth" I find company more easily. Maybe it's because when I tend to my own
needs, I am subtly telegraphing something different in company, or about company.

Dunno if that makes sense but I like your sense of purpose about making
your life happier.

And I'm very very sorry your son is having a rough time. I know that means
you are too.

hugs
Hops

Thanks, Hops, for you kind and knowledgeable words.  It really means a lot.

I don't mind my own company; in fact I'm the sort of person that needs a bit of quiet and downtime in my life.  I think the thing that bothers me is that I've got myself out of kilter and filled my life with people that call when I can be of use to them but don't ring just for a chat or help out when my situation's difficult.  I find that hard, but I'm trying to focus on doing more things for myself and focusing on the people who aren't like that - saying no a lot until I do have some free time (and energy!) and then choosing who I want to spend that time with.  It's all learning, isn't it?  On the right path and all that.

[Twoapenny]

Twoapenny - "odd how it feels wrong f me...."

Going out on a limb here and dipping into my own experience to wonder out loud if  it feels wrong because you were trained to put everyone else first above yourself at all costs to yourself?  So that it would feel "wrong" to protect yourself from leeching others who don't give back?l give and take is a vital life process but there must be an exchange for it to be life giving - right.?

Oh gosh, GS, absolutely, I still find it very difficult to even vaguely consider myself before anyone else.  It feels like driving the car on the wrong side of the road!  But I am trying.

I rang a gardener today and asked him to come over and sort my very untidy garden out for me.  That is quite a big deal for me.  1 - I'm admitting I need help and I can't do anything on my own (very scary) 2 - I'm spending money on 'non-essential' items - also very scary.  3  I want the garden looking nice so that I can sit out in and and relax - me, me, me!  4  I'm risking someone coming over and then going away saying a hundred bad things about me being lazy, not coping, sitting on my arse all day.  That's not true but I know so many people who would say that if they knew I was getting someone in to do the work.  Crazy but I still find this hard to deal with.

I also bought a book on sewing projects yesterday (non-essential spending again).  I really want to learn how to sew but never get round to doing anything because I'm always running around after other people.  It's a nice little book, it starts with easy projects like cushion covers and bags and works up to dresses and skirts.  I really want to find something I can do at home that gives me something nice at the end of it, you know?  So they're my two big steps so far this week

[Twoapenny]

Another thought has occurred to me today.  My old group of friends are all heavy drinkers and/or focused on having a good time.  I have found it very hard to extricate myself from them, or to be myself around them.

When we were kids, the only hobby my mum and step-dad has was drinking.  I don't ever remember a time when my mum wasn't drunk on a regular basis, and it got a lot worse after he moved in.  The only thing either of them ever seemed genuinely pleased about and proud of was the amount I could drink.  There was never any encouragement re school or hobbies, but drinking was definitely part of the fabric of our family.

I was a very heavy drinker and drug user for years, only really stopping completely when I got pregnant with my son.  I've pretty much stayed off it all since; I've had a few drunken nights over the years but even those don't happen any more.

I think the old me was a fake - just a pretend personality who was there to deal with the abuse and try and avoid any hassle.  I think the real me is very different - much more conventional and home loving, happy baking, preferring conversation to getting drunk and falling over.  What I find hard is leaving behind the old me friends.  I feel like I don't want them any more.  I also feel like I don't want my 'circumstantial' friends - people I only know because our kids do similar things, but who I have nothing in common with.

It's funny but it feels like a lonely place, but also an exciting one, because things might change now?

[Gaining Strength]

Perhaps it is lonely because you are aware that you  moving on, leaving behind the old with no vision of what the new will be. That takes such courage but it is necessary in order to leave the broken behind and allow the whole in.

So glad that you are turning the corner on doing something's for yourself. I venture to suggest that the gardening and sewing are grander than just yourself, they are creating and at minimal those creations benefit those who encounter them, especially the garden.  Please let us know how the experience with the gardener goes.

(Taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it is grounding and it is necessary. It will all, at minimum, give life anew to you and your child.)

[Twoapenny]

Perhaps it is lonely because you are aware that you  moving on, leaving behind the old with no vision of what the new will be. That takes such courage but it is necessary in order to leave the broken behind and allow the whole in.

So glad that you are turning the corner on doing something's for yourself. I venture to suggest that the gardening and seeing are grander than just yourself, they are creating and at minimal those creations benefit those who encounter them, especially the garden.  Please let us know how the experience with the gardener goes.

(Taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it is grounding and it is necessary. It will all, at minimum, give life anew to you and your child.)

Thanks, GS.  The gardener came to have a look at the work.  He was quite rude and I wasn't impressed with him, to be honest.  But I only need a morning's work doing - it's a small garden and it just needs a good tidy up.  So he's coming one day next week to get it done, if I need anything doing again I'll get someone else in to do it!  But the main thing is it's some help, it's one less thing for me to have to do.  I've also called a window cleaner and a handy man to get a few other jobs done.  Once I'm on top of the situation it should be easier to keep things ticking over better.

[Gaining Strength]

So glad for you.  It is much easier to maintain when things are brought up to snuff.  I hope the rude gardener is good and fast and maybe even has a change of attitude.

[Twoapenny]

So glad for you.  It is much easier to maintain when things are brought up to snuff.  I hope the rude gardener is good and fast and maybe even has a change of attitude.

Hi GS, thanks!  I'm starting to think getting help in wasn't such a good idea!  Waited in for a window cleaner on Friday who never showed up and hasn't returned my call, the gardener has changed the day and time four times now and each time seems to want to spend half an hour on the phone talking about it.  I am getting the chance to practise my new assertiveness skills!

[Twoapenny]

So glad for you.  It is much easier to maintain when things are brought up to snuff.  I hope the rude gardener is good and fast and maybe even has a change of attitude.

Hi GS, thanks!  I'm starting to think getting help in wasn't such a good idea!  Waited in for a window cleaner on Friday who never showed up and hasn't returned my call, the gardener has changed the day and time four times now and each time seems to want to spend half an hour on the phone talking about it.  I am getting the chance to practise my new assertiveness skills!

Well what a nightmare day it's been!  Message to Twoapenny - trust your instincts, say no and don't think 'oh this will do for now'!  Things I have said to myself so many times already but I still don't follow my own advice!

Gardener turned up 40 minutes late after changing arrangements four times.  Then proceeded to spend half an hour unloading his van, telling me all about his weekend and drinking coffee - bear in mind he's on an hourly rate.  I checked the time for when he actually started working and left him to it.

My garden is small - less than ten feet square front and back.  It is just overgrown - grass needed cutting, weeds needed removing, some things needed pruning.  He'd been round to have a look last week and I'd said I just wanted it tidy and it was just a one off job.  I didn't want it redesigning or landscaping or anything like that.

He kept offering to do other jobs that I hadn't asked for, I kept saying no, he kept arguing saying it would help me more (love how he knows what would help me better than I do).  I kept hearing him talking on his phone, would look into the garden to see he wasn't there and after two hours I went to see how much he'd done.  I couldn't believe how little he'd managed; he'd cut about six square feet of grass and weeded one flower bed.

I didn't have the nerve to go and send him on his way then; with hindsight I should have.  I did go out and tell him that we were going out and that I'd need him to stop just after 5pm, thereby capping him at four hours.  I told him I didn't have any more money to pay him for more than four hours work so he knew if he stayed longer (as we really were going out; if he'd been on time he'd have finished before we left) that he wouldn't get paid.

He started pressing for a date to come and do the rest of the work; again I should have told him no way but I just said I'd be in touch and left it at that.  I kept checking on him for the rest of the time and he carried on chatting on his phone, stopped to eat a sandwich and was doing things that really weren't necessary, like redigging a bed that was weed free or straightening edges that didn't need straightening (whilst the back garden was completely untouched and still looked like a jungle).

Locked the house up at five; he was loading all the rubbish into his vehicle.  I'd said several times that I could take it to the dump myself (it's just up the road) but he kept insisting that he'd save me the bother.  I went out to his car to pay him; he took the money and then told me it was extra to take the rubbish to the dump and that he needed petrol money for turning up!

I was calm initially; I said that wasn't what we'd agreed and that I'd said several times I was happy to clear the rubbish myself.  He'd said he'd told me it would cost extra and that I couldn't take the rubbish myself because they were his bags.  He then said the hourly rate was just for labour and that petrol and rubbish disposal were extra and tried to fleece me for another £15!  Bearing in mind he'd only worked three of the four hours he was there, he lost an hour in faffing around on the phone and stopping for lunch.

I told him he was a very rude man and walked away and left him to it.  Fortunately the house was already locked up and my son was already in the car so I could just get in and drive off.  I felt sick and was almost crying; as much through anger as through anything else.  He'd blatantly tried to rip me off and then tried to pretend I was the one doing him over.

We were out for about three hours and I was worried that I'd get home and find all the rubbish dumped in the garden or a horrible message on my answerphone.  All was clear, though, he's taken it away and left me alone so that was a relief.

What a horrible little man and why on earth do people just try to get money they haven't earnt?!