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Gaining Strength:
Twoapenny - "odd how it feels wrong f me...."
Going out on a limb here and dipping into my own experience to wonder out loud if it feels wrong because you were trained to put everyone else first above yourself at all costs to yourself? So that it would feel "wrong" to protect yourself from leeching others who don't give back?l give and take is a vital life process but there must be an exchange for it to be life giving - right.?
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on July 21, 2014, 09:13:14 AM ---
--- Quote ---I think what I need to do is to stop waiting for someone else to come and get me.
--- End quote ---
This is such a powerful realization, Tupp. I'm excited for you and inspired too.
I think you got it. I've been thinking/working on the same issues in my life.
I think I trained myself to experience despair at the idea of being alone, and now,
I'm intentionally re-embracing it. I've always loved solitude but over the years of
caretaking, I lost some of that joy. Now I'm working to delight in my own company again.
There's a difference between solitude with purpose and isolation.
I find the latter is an enemy, but embracing the former means when I do
"go forth" I find company more easily. Maybe it's because when I tend to my own
needs, I am subtly telegraphing something different in company, or about company.
Dunno if that makes sense but I like your sense of purpose about making
your life happier.
And I'm very very sorry your son is having a rough time. I know that means
you are too.
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hops, for you kind and knowledgeable words. It really means a lot.
I don't mind my own company; in fact I'm the sort of person that needs a bit of quiet and downtime in my life. I think the thing that bothers me is that I've got myself out of kilter and filled my life with people that call when I can be of use to them but don't ring just for a chat or help out when my situation's difficult. I find that hard, but I'm trying to focus on doing more things for myself and focusing on the people who aren't like that - saying no a lot until I do have some free time (and energy!) and then choosing who I want to spend that time with. It's all learning, isn't it? On the right path and all that.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on July 21, 2014, 10:56:27 AM ---Twoapenny - "odd how it feels wrong f me...."
Going out on a limb here and dipping into my own experience to wonder out loud if it feels wrong because you were trained to put everyone else first above yourself at all costs to yourself? So that it would feel "wrong" to protect yourself from leeching others who don't give back?l give and take is a vital life process but there must be an exchange for it to be life giving - right.?
--- End quote ---
Oh gosh, GS, absolutely, I still find it very difficult to even vaguely consider myself before anyone else. It feels like driving the car on the wrong side of the road! But I am trying.
I rang a gardener today and asked him to come over and sort my very untidy garden out for me. That is quite a big deal for me. 1 - I'm admitting I need help and I can't do anything on my own (very scary) 2 - I'm spending money on 'non-essential' items - also very scary. 3 I want the garden looking nice so that I can sit out in and and relax - me, me, me! 4 I'm risking someone coming over and then going away saying a hundred bad things about me being lazy, not coping, sitting on my arse all day. That's not true but I know so many people who would say that if they knew I was getting someone in to do the work. Crazy but I still find this hard to deal with.
I also bought a book on sewing projects yesterday (non-essential spending again). I really want to learn how to sew but never get round to doing anything because I'm always running around after other people. It's a nice little book, it starts with easy projects like cushion covers and bags and works up to dresses and skirts. I really want to find something I can do at home that gives me something nice at the end of it, you know? So they're my two big steps so far this week :)
Twoapenny:
Another thought has occurred to me today. My old group of friends are all heavy drinkers and/or focused on having a good time. I have found it very hard to extricate myself from them, or to be myself around them.
When we were kids, the only hobby my mum and step-dad has was drinking. I don't ever remember a time when my mum wasn't drunk on a regular basis, and it got a lot worse after he moved in. The only thing either of them ever seemed genuinely pleased about and proud of was the amount I could drink. There was never any encouragement re school or hobbies, but drinking was definitely part of the fabric of our family.
I was a very heavy drinker and drug user for years, only really stopping completely when I got pregnant with my son. I've pretty much stayed off it all since; I've had a few drunken nights over the years but even those don't happen any more.
I think the old me was a fake - just a pretend personality who was there to deal with the abuse and try and avoid any hassle. I think the real me is very different - much more conventional and home loving, happy baking, preferring conversation to getting drunk and falling over. What I find hard is leaving behind the old me friends. I feel like I don't want them any more. I also feel like I don't want my 'circumstantial' friends - people I only know because our kids do similar things, but who I have nothing in common with.
It's funny but it feels like a lonely place, but also an exciting one, because things might change now?
Gaining Strength:
Perhaps it is lonely because you are aware that you moving on, leaving behind the old with no vision of what the new will be. That takes such courage but it is necessary in order to leave the broken behind and allow the whole in.
So glad that you are turning the corner on doing something's for yourself. I venture to suggest that the gardening and sewing are grander than just yourself, they are creating and at minimal those creations benefit those who encounter them, especially the garden. Please let us know how the experience with the gardener goes.
(Taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it is grounding and it is necessary. It will all, at minimum, give life anew to you and your child.)
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