Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Making New Friends
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on April 06, 2013, 06:00:51 AM ---Agree, Bonesie!
I thought I'd update this as there are a couple of people I have been trying to get to know better and it seems to be heading in the right direction. I'm also trying to go into things with an open mind and just 'get to know' people rather than trying to force friendships. I have been thinking about Hopsie's "Oh" advice on the other thread and I'm trying to take that approach and just see how things go and let them be what they will be.
Something else I've been thinking about - and it's very jumbled in my head so no idea how it's going to come across here - is how I think I've been putting my own dysfunctional blueprint of what a relationship constitutes onto other people in my life. To try and give one example:
I've mentioned a friend who took four months to return my call. I felt very hurt by this but didn't feel able to say anything. I felt very resentful, felt that our friendship didn't mean anything (or at least didn't mean anything to her) and that no-one cared, no-one loved me, I'm so grim that no-one wants to spend time with me.
So - I know my mum's friendships are very black and white, very all or nothing. I know that in order to be part of my mums inner circle you have to conform to a particular set of rules about what she considers okay. There is no space for okay some of the time but a bit crap every now and then. She can and does drop people (including her own children) at the drop of a hat. She also blows friendships/relationships into much more than they are (my stepdad for example, love of her life whose love for her was so strong that they were forced to have an affair because they couldn't withstand the strength of the love, that sort of thing, complete nonsense, he screwed anything that moved and she was the only one daft enough to put up with it, his other wives threw him out. More disgustingly, my T once suggested that a certain kind of man is more interested in the kids than the mum and that's a thought that I'd like to be able to say doesn't apply to him but can't). She would always give anecdotes that showed how much people liked her, great stories about their times together, give big parties that everyone came to, yet when I 'came out' and started telling people that we no longer talk I was amazed at the number of people who told me they'd never liked her and were simply sociable in order to be polite.
Anyway, I can see now how I'm applying elements of all of this to my own relationships and friendships. To use the four month delay friend example, if I'm honest about our contact over the years it has always been of a getting together for coffee nature. We are not close friends, we haven't shared intimate secrets or spend huge amounts of time together, we don't know each other terribly well even though we've known each other for a long time. I am realising that this is okay :) I can have coffee buddies that are just that - a couple of hours every now and again for a chat and a catch up - it doesn't need to be any more than that. I think she sees this in our friendship and I haven't.
I've also realised that my response to anyone's demand on my time is always to jump. I put returning phone calls, emails, letters, visits, lunches etc ahead of everything else I need to do. As a result of that I get more stressed (because stuff I need doesn't get done) I feel more resentful (because I'm putting other people's needs before my own) and I don't spend time with people I'd really like to because I am reactive more than I am proactive. So I am realising that it is okay to be too busy for something and someone and I'm realising it is okay to spend time with people I really like rather than people I feel obliged to.
I think the other thing I need to work on is my response to rejection - seeing an unreturned call or letter as a massive slap in the face and reiteration of 'you're so bad your own family don't want you' and being more realiistic about other people's time and lifestyles (as being a factor in whether or not they ring) whilst of course keeping an eye out for those people who do only ring when they want something - more practise needed at saying no!
Anyway that's all kind of jumbling around in my head at the moment, I think things are clearing slowly and I'm moving in the right direction.
Thank you everyone as always for your thoughts and insights and just giving me the space to get all of this out of my head and down on paper (screen!). Thank you xx
--- End quote ---
((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm having difficulty finding words to express right now. Many thoughts jumbling around in my own head at the moment. I'll probably be posting a rant in the other thread as soon as I can work through what I'm thinking.
Twoapenny:
Thank you everyone, Bonesie I hope that guy drops out of your life soon! He seems to be a real a**e. Sorry half of that post was in bold, I only meant to do the one sentence and obviously didn't switch it off again.
I've started re-reading Susan Peabody's Addicted to Love. I read it before (I think someone on here recommended it) and it definitely applied to my male/female relationships. There was a little quiz at the end to see how ready you were for a relationship and when I took it it basically said don't even think about it! That was a while ago now, I took the test again and things have improved :)
I think I apply those things to all of my relationships, though. I can see that my fear of abandonment is strong (she talks about projecting it on to others, so when someone doesn't respond to your call it blows up into this huge thing instead of being kept in perspective - that's me to a T). She talks about fantasising in order to escape from reality - I do that a lot, more than is healthy (she talks about constructive steps to change reality instead of thinking about it) and she also mentions the matryr complex, which I think I do have with my son.
It's difficult with him. On the one hand he genuinely does need someone with him 24 hours a day. He does need a lot of down time (ie at home, quiet activities, not out and about having fun). He does have a lot of trouble sleeping and all sorts of problems with food, noise, lighting, other people etc. He is very sensitive and gets upset/worried about things (the cat, in particular). So he does have a lot of genuine needs. I have cut a lot of people out of his life because I felt they were abusive and not good people to be around. I've been thinking about whether I've over done that and will keep thinking, but at the minute I'm thinking those people needed to be told they needed to modify their behaviour and shown the door when they didn't. Equally none of them have ever tried to see him since which makes me think I did the right thing but I will keep mulling it over, perhaps I have been too harsh.
It does mean I have left him with no-one who spends any time with him. I have felt very disappointed in friends who don't do anything with him, and my sister who no longer seems to bother with him. I think I need to think about my role in this. What I find difficult is that the people who are happy to look after him from time to time are people that I don't particularly want to be friends with. So I feel it is wrong of me to take advantage of them in this way. It feels quite a selfish thing to do. Will keep thinking on this one.
A lot of my friends from 'the old days' drink, smoke and take drugs. It's not something I mind in other people but it's also not something I want as part of my life. I find this one tricky.
I've been in contact with a couple of mums I know through an activity my son goes to. They are nice people, have children with similar problems, live reasonably nearby. So here's my stupid question of the day:
How do you make friends? Is it just a question of hanging out, chatting and seeing how that pans out? I've realised I've always had a 'special' best friend. Eventually this turns to nothing and then I get a new one. Peabody mentions all or nothing thinking - I think I have done this a lot. So if you just want to be 'normal', do you just spend time together, see what happens and accept it as it is? Sorry, I know that sounds ridiculous, I am approaching friendships from what I hope is a healthier place but I've realised I've never done it before and I don't know how to do it without all the drama and all the bells and whistles?!
BonesMS:
Thanks, ((((((Tupp))))))))))).
With this particular individual, it's a bit more complicated since we are both involved with the same volunteer organization and I have no intention of being forced out. To add to the complication, we have known each other for nearly 50 years because, at one time, he used to be my high school teacher when I was only 15 years old! He was somewhat like this back during the 1960's. He has become more obstinate with age! (*shaking my head*) From my perspective, this impacts not just me, it has a ripple affect and impacts MANY people in a negative way...which upsets me.
Bones
Hopalong:
Hi Tupp,
I think it's amazing, and so hopeful, that you've figured out that some of the patterns that apply to dysfunctional romantic relationships can also haunt people trying to make healthier friendships. That is really huge.
So...for that reason, I'd recommend a book I often mention here, because it had a big impact for me, and I can see how it could translate to friendships, too. It's A Fine Romance by Judith Sills.
The thing that was a revelation to me was the idea of "practice" -- and I wonder if it'd be helpful to you.
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on April 08, 2013, 03:50:07 PM ---Hi Tupp,
I think it's amazing, and so hopeful, that you've figured out that some of the patterns that apply to dysfunctional romantic relationships can also haunt people trying to make healthier friendships. That is really huge.
So...for that reason, I'd recommend a book I often mention here, because it had a big impact for me, and I can see how it could translate to friendships, too. It's A Fine Romance by Judith Sills.
The thing that was a revelation to me was the idea of "practice" -- and I wonder if it'd be helpful to you.
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks Hopsie, will reread, I have due to an earlier recommendation from you and it is a great book. It's funny the way self help books can say different things to you at different points in your life. I'm re-reading a few at the minute and getting very different things from them now compared to what I got when reading a couple of years ago. The things I'm working on at the minute (in terms of friendhsips) are
Being okay to have a different opinion. I am so used to swallowing my thoughts and comments that I then get resentful that I didn't speak (particularly if I found what the person said offensive). Equally I feel that if someone doesn't agree with me they 'don't like me', so I'm working on it being okay to be friends without having to agree on everything.
Letting the other person take responsibility for the relationship. This is something Peabody mentions in her book and it really rang a bell this time, it's not down to me to do all the phoning, arranging, organising, other people can do this for themselves. Another revelation for me!
Being real. Something else that Peabody mentions, having to always look/sound/come across the best way. I feel like that very much, if I'm having a crap time I tend to stay home rather than let people see me when things are bad. I want to work on that - it's okay to be grumpy/sad/angry/bored/excited/lonely/vulnerable/whatever. Gulp! That's a big one!
Living in reality. I spend huge amounts of time day dreaming about things being different, far more than I spend actually doing things to make life different. I hadn't realised how much until recently. So I'm working on that one, too.
Thank you, again! xx
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