Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Making New Friends
Meh:
I haven't been able to read through this whole thread yet but I want to. I identify with the very first post where you said that people tend to select you rather than you deciding who you want to select as friends. Putting more purpose into friendship building sounds like a good idea to me.
A random quote: "The truth is everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to decide who is worth the pain".... not sure if it's true or not, just felt like putting a quote somewhere
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Green Bean on August 09, 2013, 01:42:02 AM ---I haven't been able to read through this whole thread yet but I want to. I identify with the very first post where you said that people tend to select you rather than you deciding who you want to select as friends. Putting more purpose into friendship building sounds like a good idea to me.
A random quote: "The truth is everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to decide who is worth the pain".... not sure if it's true or not, just felt like putting a quote somewhere
--- End quote ---
Hi Green,
It was something that I realised, that I was very passive when it came to friendships. I wondered if it was the reason that people seemed to be very into me for a time and then dropped me - almost like I was serving a purpose rather than being part of a friendship. So I have tried to cultivate getting to know people now, just spending a bit more time with people who are on my wavelength and taking it as it is. I've initiated get togethers which I find really hard - I worry about rejection, I worry that people feel obliged to say yes and don't really want to be there and I worry that I'm boring/pushy/needy etc. But those are all old things that I need to get rid of and stop worrying about so I am trying! Even though it felt uncomfortable at the start it is getting easier now :)
That quote you mention is interesting, although I hope not everyone hurts! But I do feel I've needed to decide who is worth my time, my energy, my soul, in a way? That does sound quite egotistical which I don't mean it too but I realised that a lot of people took up my time and just left me feeling tired/bored/or just wishing I'd done something practical with that time so I could relax in the evening rather than spending an afternoon with someone I didn't want to and then having to spend the evening doing the stuff I should have done in the afternoon! Silly the things we put ourselves through sometimes. HOpe you're doing okay xx
lighter:
Oh, Tupp:
Kudos to not calling those people who didn't check on you when you were ill.
One of the ways we KNOW who are friends are......
they're the ones who feed us.
Yes, with food, but also with their time, and care.
It's time you were less passive about friendships, and more selective/focused on the relationships you want in your life going forward.
I say.....
yes: )
::sending cyber gluten free cookies, with a beautiful gluten free lasagna/meat free if you choose::
Light
Twoapenny:
Ah, Lighter, the gluten free goodies are gratefully received :) Bless you.
I think I've felt for so long that I've no right to expect anything from anyone that in the past I've disregarded my feelings of disappointment and sadness when people haven't done much (anything) and told myself I'm being silly. But I just feel stronger, somehow, and I can see that, yes, constant demands are draining and too much but that, not just a friend but any decent human being ought to offer to help someone in a difficult situation if they can. And the prospect of admitting to myself that I really had very few friends (which to me signifies that I am unlikeable and unworthy of someone's friendship) was a real toughie. Plus I had to face up to my role in it - I still find that the hardest thing to do in any situation - but for years I have failed to set boundaries, I've not been honest about my feelings and I've put up with all sorts in friendships rather than being alone. And I still struggle a bit with all of it but it's getting better and I really feel I'm heading in the right direction. And I'm starting to see that the people I'm choosing to form friendships with are good, kind, thoughtful people - I have good taste! And that's not something I thought about before.
I think it's one of the things that amazes me about this board and others like it. You have people who have been through such terrible experiences but they are kind, loving and giving and willing to share their time and experience with complete strangers, whilst people like Dr G set up and run boards like this for no reason other than to help people. There is so much good out there, I suppose it's just a question of thinking enough of yourself to think that nothing less will do?
lighter:
I'm paraphrasing here, but the saying that comes to mind is.....
"People accept the love they believe they deserve."
I think most of us are in similar boats as you Tupp.
Most of us have boundary work to do.
Most of us need to become aware of the decisions we're making so we can determine to make mindful (different) choices in our lives, or continue getting what we've been getting.
I'm with you.....
I want something else, though I'm not entirely sure what "something else" will be.
I've only determined what it won't be, which is a good place to start: )
::nodding::
Light
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