Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Making New Friends

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debkor:
Hi Two,

How an whom are the people that live around you?  The best friendships I have are here right in my neighborhood.  Most of the time we meet on days (on the decks or porch) and not planned.  A phone call we are outside if your not busy.  Sometimes just a step into out side.  And in cold weather (we do meet somehow) even if 2 months have one by.

In reality I'm with my friends (that are like family) more then I'm with family....because they live right here.  People are so busy working and then doing the things they have to do when they are off..it's hard to get together with family. 

My cousin lives right across the street and I see her less then I see other's here because she works so long and so hard she is very short on time. 

My kids best friends are from when they were little and they established them themselves.  I don't even know some of their parents (with exceptions) of through sports.

And Us friend's all have Other friend's that we have met with something we have been interested in, such as, my sister/yoga friends, my friends training for *hospice* new friends there.....

And it just happen's.

Just find something that interest you local...art classes, yoga, anything, that you can attend. You will make friends.

You'll be surprised.

And the best ones might be right in your neighborhood.

Your sure would be sitting on our porches....being dialed on the phone....eating (we do a lot of eating) and your son would be like one of our own kids.

That's the people you need to find and the ones your around the most..........And you will.

Chin up kid.   Better day's are coming!!

Love
Deb

Twoapenny:
Ah Deb, thank you!  My neighbours are pretty grim!  The lady one side of me screams and swears at her kids all the time.  The man the other side is nice enough to me but knocks his kids about.  Two doors up are nice people but a bit too nice - they offer to help you out but then start telling you what to do and asking very personal questions so I keep them at arms length.  It's quite a rough estate, a lot of drug and alcohol problems and lots of people that I don't really want to spend too much time with, to be honest (we are saving up to move!).  But I hear what you are saying and yes, that's the sort of path I want to go down.  My son is hopefully starting a youth club soon so I'm looking around for something I can do while he's off doing that. It's getting easier as he gets older!  Thank you xx

BonesMS:
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Twoapenny:
Thank you Bonesie, your hugs make me smile :)

I'm rambling a bit as things are just occuring to me now and then.  I've already mentioned that no-one spends time with my son.  I home educate him because of his disability (it's much easier for him in a quiet, one to one environment) and I love it.  He's doing brilliantly and really enjoys himself, I've learnt loads since I started doing it and I just love being with him.  He's good company, very funny and still has that child's view of looking at things.  I think I've relived my own (crappy) childhood through him and it's really helped.  We're close and he's the only bit of my life that works - my personal relationships are not great with other people but with him I think I've got the balance right and he's turning into a really polite, well balanced young man - I just need to be able to say the same about myself (although if I start turning into a man that will be a whole other thread but you know what I mean).

Anyway - whenever I complain about being ill or tired the response I get from most people is that I should put him in school.  They just don't seem to understand that apart from school not being the best option for me, I love teaching him at home and I'd hate to stop doing it.  If he wanted to then of course I would but he loves it and I do ask him frequently if he wants to go to school and so far the answer has always been no.  So I never really understand why people think me stopping doing the one thing in my life that I love would make my life better.

But having just got off the phone with a friend, who has again suggested I put him in school (in the past she's suggested I send him to a residential school) the penny dropped - none of my friends actually like spending time with their kids.  I don't know why I haven't twigged this before, but it suddenly seemed really obvious.  Which perhaps does make more sense that I am liking spending time with these mums at activity groups; they at least are interested enough in their kids to take them to clubs and stay and help out.  So yes, I think I am starting to see where I've been going wrong, these are just people who are very different to me so can't understand why I like spending time with him.  Sorry for rambling on, it just helps to get it down while I'm thinking of it, thank you for reading xx

Hopalong:
Hi ((((Tupp))))

Wish I could cheer you and meet that fine boy in person.

From my (stunned) perspective -- with a now-estranged D I loved being with more than anything, and adored throughout her childhood -- I have come to understand that SHE was my best friend. And it wasn't good for her. (I did not know I was harming her, with my over-doting. And now I do.) You have a very different situation with your boy because of his autism (my D has mild Asperger's and not-mild bipolar disorder), but I hear faint echoes of your close relationship with him taking the place of friendships with your peers.

It has probably been essential, so far. There've been a hundred reasons it has been RIGHT (and even, no choice about it) for you to be so cocooned with him. But I wonder if you might be sensing the inevitability of change. He will become an older boy, then a young man, then a middle aged man, etc...and living with you, and you orbiting around him, may not always be the right thing for you both.

I think of you and friendships as about you (and your boy) breaking out, slowly and gently, of your closed cocoon together. He will always love and need you, and vice versa. He needs others, to reach all the potential he can. You need others for the same reason, though your paths are different.

I love the idea that you are saving to move to a more peaceful place to live. I so hope you can pull it off. And your yearnings for him to find friends and meaning and purpose of his own touch my heart. You want it for him. And you deserve it for yourself, too.

I loathe the idea of you feeling bleak, bitter, and lonely. You've walked a really hard road, on your own, for a very long time. I hope you can find some 3-D situations where there will be positive connections you can build on, for both of you. But separately, if that is workable for you and him.

Miserable as it is to feel uncared-for, by the people you've been friendly with for a long while -- it's very common. Sometimes people are afraid of too much sorrow. They just don't know what to do with it, even if it an ideal world, they would. Other people's pain always bangs up against our own helplessness. That's why I have found the UU church (in my case) absolutely essential to my mental health. Knowing that there is always someone, in that community, makes a huge difference.

The thing is, I no longer expect social friends (people whose main focus in getting together is to just laugh and drink or "play" -- even though those are great things too) to be the core source of comfort and strength in my life. I have learned to "spread it around." There are Covenant Groups (I'm in 2) for serious, heartfelt sharing of anything, no matter how painful, with no fear of rejection. There are playful "buddies" for showers and receptions and activities that are "lighter." There are a couple very close friends I could call any time, but I talk to them about once a week. There are pastoral counselors, one can call when one feels that without a caring ear one will break in two. There is a minister (two). There are adult faith classes that range all over the place, and friendships often come out of those. There are service auctions and potluck suppers just for gathering at tables and feeling a sense of "village." There are a zillion service oriented things to do (once a year or once a wee--you pick what you can and want to do)...helping the homeless, serving at a soup kitchen, working with kids, gathering for social justice causes (environment, peace, etc.).

This way, intentionally bonding with that larger community and identifying myself as belonging, a welcome part of it (I am) -- my situation hasn't overwhelmed any one friend, and in recent years, I've benefitted so much from the feeling of being an embraced member of a whole big group. I don't think I could ever have created that on my own. So that's why, in addition to my agnostic spirituality, I needed to turn to an organized, institutional community. Within it, in various overlapping circles, I did find a PHamily that cares.

Friends tried. Some could hold on during my worst times. Some faded away. But I still have some old friends, and continue to make new ones. And years back, I felt just as lost and isolated and lonely and unloved as you do right now.

It really can change. I hope you can find a community to belong to. They are around you. None of them perfect fits but all of them, full of people, enough of whom can care. Live can be worth living and even have its joys.

Love and comfort,
Hops

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